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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give ExH Christmas card from our DS?

16 replies

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 22/12/2013 11:06

Please be kind. Genuinely not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

ExH and I split earlier this year. He was nasty and controlling when were together and has been since. He is also very unreliable and regularly cancels weekly contact with DS (3 years) at short notice and misses pre-arranged phone calls.

ExH has arrived to see DS today and has brought a card and xmas present from DS to me. I thought a little while ago about whether I should get something from DS, couldn't decide, then completely forgot all about it. (I did get a birthday present for ExH from DS earlier this year which he never received as he cancelled contact for 2 months - it was edible and went out of date).

ExH has made it very clear today in front of DS how unhappy he is with me that he does not have a card him.

AIBU?

OP posts:

AntlersInAllOfMyDecorating · 22/12/2013 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DevonFolk · 22/12/2013 11:11

It's a really tricky one, especially when your DS isn't old enough to do anything for himself. DD is also 3 and I've always taken the 'bigger person' approach. She makes a card for him at pre-school and I get a token present for her to give him and he does the same in return. We do both Christmas and birthdays. Part of the reason I do it is so that DD will see the fact that we can be civil to each other and learn from that.

RedLondonBus · 22/12/2013 11:13

He's unhappy over a card? Card giving is dying out.... You could send him an e card instead?

Lonecatwithkitten · 22/12/2013 11:15

I also go down the bigger person route. Also I have seen how awful DD feels when ExH hasn't helped her get something for me ( I always tell her a hug from her is all I need), but there is so much pleasure in giving for children. My Mum helps her now as he is so rubbish.
Your DS is not yet big enough to feel this, but next year he may want a little input into choosing 'Daddy's present'.

Original poster

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 22/12/2013 11:22

Thank you for all your replies and for being kind.

I've been using the preschool cards too. Very useful for Fathers' Day as they wrote it too for me. For some reason they didn't make cards for xmas. DS made a 'My family' picture gift but it only has me and DS on it so can't really give that!

Ecard would be a good idea except he doesn't have a email address- long story.

I will probably write a card out for DS to give when ExH brings him back so DS can see that we are still kind to each other but I think ExH will be complaining about me to DS the whole time he has him today.

OP posts:

freemanbatch · 22/12/2013 11:58

We are currently no contact with my ex due to police and children's services involvement but I sent him a box of presents from the kids via the royal mail. They were all things the kids had done or made at school/nursery that were then turned into gifts but its cost me a fortune!! I've done it because the kids asked to buy things for him not because I wanted to and I'm not sure I would have done it if the kids weren't old enough to ask.

Original poster

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 22/12/2013 12:04

freemanbatch I think I would have sorted card and gifts if DS had asked but he hasn't and I also didn't want to make a big deal out of doing something for Daddy and risk him not turning up to see him today.

Have had some issues since split with ExH being nasty when I don't do what he wants and being very over friendly when I do so it's all a bit of a headache really.

OP posts:

MissWinter01 · 22/12/2013 12:11

Don't think a gift is necessary but I would give him a card.

freemanbatch · 22/12/2013 12:25

Its hard knowing what to do for the best but as far as I'm concerned I'll do what the kids ask me to and he can get lost with his expectations of me ;-)

I am pregnant and was due on Wednesday ex knows this. I got a phone call Wednesday afternoon from a solicitor I used to send a letter to ex a while ago under dv legal aid to tell me that the ex had left a pile of presents for the kids with his solicitor 25 miles away and he expected of to pick them up!! On Friday I got another call to say his solicitor had posted the stuff to mine and they expected me to pick them up on Monday!! I have no family or friends within 100miles, the kids are now on school holidays and I am expecting a baby any time but the ex expects me to run after him rather than him use the postal service!!!

Needless to say I won't be!!

I love Christmas but I hate how idiot ex's see it as a way to have a go!!

Foxeym · 22/12/2013 12:32

I've had this, torn in two, I bought my DC's a card and present for my ExH for his birthday and then got nothing in return for mine so have told them that I am not buying him anything for Xmas because I know it won't be reciprocated. I know my DP has given them money to get me something bless him. They are really worried about going to his on Xmas eve empty handed and I feel really terrible and have told the eldest to let me know if he gets shitty but I also don't think I should be backed into a corner to get him something when he such an arse (I also have had no maintenance from him since we split 18 months ago)

Original poster

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 22/12/2013 12:46

What nightmare. Good luck for your Christmas-time baby freemanbatch

OP posts:

ballstoit · 22/12/2013 12:57

YANBU. Ex-H posts cards 'from my DC' to me for mother's day, birthday and Christmas. My DC (8,6,4) don't know anything about them until they arrive so IMO they are meaningless.

As Ex-h pays fuck all towards his DC, only turns up for contact every couple of months and does nothing towards caring for our DC at all, I can't bring myself to get him cards from the DC. I suggest to my DC that they make cards for special occasions but usually only my middle child does so.

I guess new gets back what he puts in...not much

giantpurplepeopleeater · 22/12/2013 13:02

Firstly - the fact that he raised it in front of DS isn't on - it's an adult conversation that shouldn't be had in front of him, or told to him. You should speak to your ex about that.

Secondly, I don't think it's completely necessary. I didn't do cards from DS to anyone. He can't read, can't write, so it's not him giving it, it's me..

I split with my ex when DS was a few months. He's also 3. We have never done gift buying for each other. We both feel it's like buying gifts for each other, and we no longer have that kind of relationship. We are though, very civil with one another, and attend/ invite each other to gatherings, have each other in our homes etc so feel we are providing a 'normal and respectful' atmosphere and example for DS.

What has tended to happen is that my parents take out DS and chose something with him for me, and his parents do it for him. This is for birthdays, Christmas and mothers/fathers day.

I can see it might change as he gets older and wants to do it for himself, but I guess I don't see it as absolutely necessary to sort gifts for my ex. I don't like him enough to want to spend my money on him!

Original poster

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 22/12/2013 13:25

Thanks purple. ExH frequently raises adult issues at handovers in front of DS and causes tension. He has been told by me and solicitors not to do this however when he kicks off it's always due to me (according to him) so he isn't in the wrong. I try my best to diffuse any tension so that DS doesn't get exposed to this but ExH can be very difficult and changeable in my opinion (though not in his)

I have looked in the present bag that ExH left and it contains several presents labelled from DS to me that DS won't have had anything to do with. There's also cards including a one with a passive-aggressive message from his parents who I haven't had any contact with as they have been hideous

I have written a card from DS and wrapped a token gift for DS to give to ExH when he arrives home. I have also written a card to his parents with as few words as possible. Didn't really want to do this but don't want to provide any more ammunition for them to dislike me (more than they already do) and obviously want to keep things as good as possible for DSs sake.

Grr! Was starting to look forward to Christmas now am just annoyed!!!

OP posts:

zipzap · 23/12/2013 11:40

foxeym could you get your dc to make a card for their dad, then at least they'll have something for them to give him.

DamnBamboo · 23/12/2013 11:57

It depends.
If you make you DS part of the process, i.e. making the card, choosing a small present etc. then it means more than just buying something, wrapping it and saying it's from him.

Children love to wrap, design cards and give gifts, so I guess this means your DS hasn't had a chance to do this for his dad.

This may or may not be a big deal to him, but nonethless, that's how it is.

I view it in the context of the giver, when it's a child and even a token gift like a chocolate bar that they can wrap and hand over with a homemade card is something for them to enjoy doing.

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