Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

30 weeks pregnant with second child and partner staying out all night

21 replies

sophia1980 · 21/12/2013 08:39

Hi- I was looking for some advice, my partner of 6 years (he is 33 as am I ) was very much a party animal when we got together this continued until our first child was around 3, until recently he did not go out all that much maybe once a month and would generally be home around 5ish. Now over the last few months he is going out increasingly more and twice in the last month has just not come home at all and his phone has been off.

He is out now - it is after 8.30am and I have no idea where he is - his phone is off. He used to take a lot of drugs but over the last few years not really, I do think he has started to take drugs again but he lies to me. I also am not very trusting of him as he recently signed up for a social networking site that specialises in sexual hookups, he never actually contacted anyone or used it but it was the fact he even joined.

I am 30 weeks pregnant, I have not really slept all night as I am awake waiting for him to come home dreading that he wont and then he does not - now I am exhausted, upset and wishing he would get in touch.

I really don't know if this is acceptable, am I being too controlling, should he be able to go out and stay out all night without my being annoyed?

Please any advice welcome :)

OP posts:

Lj8893 · 21/12/2013 08:44

Umm, I'd be more concerned about the drug taking and sex website tbh. Add that in with him staying out all night and I think you have a serious problem.
You have a child and another one on the way and he's staying out till 8.30am several times a month with no clue to where he is and no contact?! Disgusting behaviour IMO.

I haven't really got any advice, I would be feeling the same way as you I think, it might be a good idea to post this in relationships, they will have some great advice im sure.

Take care of yourself though, I know its hard but try not to get yourself too stressed.

Finola1step · 21/12/2013 08:48

No, not controlling. I was expecting you to say "DP has gone to staff Xmas do and still isn't back ...." To which I would have replied YABU. But this is not the scenario for you OP is it?

Staying out all night, with increasing frequency and with the phone switched off is far from ok. Especially as he has already shown interest in hook up websites. Sorry, but it does sound like he might be withdrawing from the relationship. Was new baby planned?

livinginawinterwonderland · 21/12/2013 08:57

The staying out wouldn't bother me so long as he'd let me know and it wasn't every weekend (and I got the chance to do the same if I wanted).

The other things are the issue, not the going out. I would not be happy being at home, pregnant, with a toddler and with no way of contacting my DP. He needs to be available in case something happens - not necessarily sober or anything, but you need to be able to get in touch just in case.

I would absolutely not be okay with the drugs or the websites. If DP did either, our relationship would be over. Does this man have any redeeming qualities whatsoever?

Original poster

sophia1980 · 21/12/2013 08:58

Thanks for your responses, yes the drug taking is a huge concern also, I had thought he had stopped but his behaviour of late makes me think otherwise :(

We had an argument before he went out, the argument stemmed from nothing. I swear EVERY time he knows he will be out and all night he creates and argument out of nothing. For example today he texted me to be home at 2.30pm sharp as he had a meeting and needed the car. I left in plenty of time to get home but DS needed to go to the toilet and I had to make a quick detour. Literally added four minutes onto our journey, I was home at 2.31 and he was livid. He said I should have been back well before 2.30! Why ask me to be home at 2.30 when in actual fact you want me back at 2.15.

Anyway at this point I had no idea he was going out, but after the argument I had an idea what was coming.. This is the scenario most times he goes out and does not come home.

Anyway I think I have gone off the point a little! I feel so stressed, tired, anxious and sad that he is behaving like this.

Yes the baby was planned and much wanted by us both, maybe it is me he is withdrawing from :(

OP posts:

Poshnosh · 21/12/2013 09:23

He sounds like a very selfish man. Where the fuck has he been all night? What has he said on previous all nighters?

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2013 09:28

None of it is acceptable (I'll never understand the MN concept that it's okay as long as both of you can do it.)

You are a family. He has family responsibilities and. you would think, a desire to be with his family. I take it he will be absolutely no use to anyone when he comes home? The fact that you are also pregnant and due to give birth within the next two months is also highly relevant. Not to mention, spending family money on drugs.

The websites? A deal breaker for me. I have no concept of men who behave as your partner is doing, thankfully.

When he is home, sober, are you able to talk to him? To ask him what he wants out of your relationship? What he wants for your children?

Do you work, OP? Own your own home or rent? Is it in both your names?

Perhaps ask for this to move to Relationships. Lots of good advice over there.

Original poster

sophia1980 · 21/12/2013 09:37

Yes I do believe he is selfish, the last time he stayed out all night he said he was at a party and had fallen asleep. To be honest I did not believe him, I think he may have been at a party but the reason he didn't come home was as he was taking drugs.

When he gets home I would imagine he will be in bed the entire day that or lying on the couch - if he comes home!

We both work, self employed. I work part time but recently it feels like full time! And he works full time - actually more like two full time jobs!

To be honest there have been a lot of other issues in the relationship - he has/is abusive both verbally and physically, he has ADD which I think contributes towards it. I know what you will all be thinking what on earth am I doing with him as he is abusive - I honestly never thought I would have stayed under these circumstances. I did leave him about a year ago for 6 months and he did everything in his power to win me back and I had thought he had changed, slowly but surely the old him is creeping back.

OP posts:

maddening · 21/12/2013 09:43

I think you need to think about whether you should continue this relationship - if you want to separate do you have rl support? You want to be settled for when dc2 arrives if separating is what you decide.

Good luck x

pumpkinsweetie · 21/12/2013 09:47

I would start thinking whether i want this relationship to continue, as he has total disregard for you especially being 30wks pregnant.

Taking drugs, being out all night is not a good sign of man to be a stable supportive partner of new father to be.

I do hope you are not having sex with him, because if he is injecting he could pass aids/hiv on to you aswell as your unborn child and i would be seriously concerned about where or whom he is sleeping with too.

So sorry you are with someone like this op x

Joysmum · 21/12/2013 09:54

In my relationship, staying out would be an issue (but with his phone left on). That's not what you want to know though is it?

Reading about your relationship, it seems your trust is shot to threads and with good reason. Is there anyway you can regain that element as it can't be easy to live like that. What we he need to do?

Joysmum · 21/12/2013 09:55

*would NOT be an issue

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/12/2013 10:03

So he's verbally and physically abusive, you suspect he is taking drugs, he stays out all night and you have no idea where he is and he joined a sexual hook ups website.

It's not good OP. why are you in this relationship? None of this behaviour is acceptable.

cjel · 21/12/2013 10:14

I am sorry that you are living this, but I think as he 'won' you back he now thinks he can do what he likes. I'm afraid I'd have to consider going again.

Queenoftheworld · 21/12/2013 10:50

You need to leave. Start planning now how to do it to the best advantage for you and the kids. You and your kids do not need that in their lives. I can't believe you are worried about being controlling when you are being told off for being 1 minute late. I have never known anyone to fundamentally change, and so I think you should get out now. You poor thing.

pianodoodle · 21/12/2013 11:40

Call me old fashioned... I'm the same age as you OP and also pregnant with second.

This would not be acceptable in any way shape or form to me it's totally selfish.

I don't know how you change that unfortunately as it seems he's always been like this :(

YANBU though. There's nothing unusual about a man who comes home, wants to spend time with his family and acts like a responsible adult. It doesn't mean his wife is controlling either.

itsonlyapapermoon · 21/12/2013 11:54

Is your partner my exH?? He used to do exactly the same things-his social life came first. Drugs, women, partying until ridiculous hours and I'd be awake worrying about him. Was worse when I was pregnant (we had 3 small children). When he wanted to go out he would deliberately generate an argument so he could flounce out the door. He too had ADD and was abusive. There is a reason he's an ex. Don't put up with this behaviour, you and you children deserve so much better.

Loopylouu · 21/12/2013 12:05

None of that would be acceptable to me. Take put the sex website and drugs, if dh stayed out all night I would be fuming. I don't care if that makes me controlling, to me it's not the way you be when you commit to a family and have children, that's when you grow up and put other people (your partner and children) first instead of your own fun.

If that was my dh he would have been out the door long ago. I am 25 weeks pregnant and I would not tollerate dh not being contactable incase of emergency or being out all night. If he wanted to act like a single man he could fuck off and be one again.

JohnnyBarthes · 21/12/2013 12:06

Staying out here and there wouldn't be a problem at all for me - we quite like it when he does actually because he's a miserable old fucker sometimes and it means we get full control over the TV to watch zombie movies.

But this is a million miles away from an occasional all night bender, OP. I won't say LTB but you really should consider it, for yours and your children's sakes.

BasicFish · 21/12/2013 13:47

Op ALL of this is awful, any one thing would be bad enough but all of this? Personally I couldn't let anyone who did drugs be around as a parent to my kids. He's also signed up to sex hook up sites? Surely there can be no reasonable explanation for that?

specialsubject · 21/12/2013 14:37

leave before he gives you a disease or kills you through neglect. You also cannot bring your kids up in this environment.

Pixel · 21/12/2013 18:10

Oh dear, when I saw the title it sounded like a one-off of the man staying out and the woman making a meal out of being pregnant, I was going to say you have ages to go yet and it's too soon to be fussing about being left alone!
But this is in a different league altogether, he is being a total git. I'm afraid he doesn't deserve you OP, and sadly, if he is going to be like this you really don't need him. I feel so sorry for you, obviously when you planned this baby you thought everything was going to be so different. But you are not to blame. You are not controlling fgs! You have a right to expect his support.

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread