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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this odd? MIL and presents

28 replies

APipkinOfPepper · 21/12/2013 07:16

We are not seeing MIL Christmas Day, although we are going to visit over the holidays. Last time she visited us she brought a couple of bags of presents for DS (5) and DD (18 months). I double checked she wouldn't rather keep them so she could see them open them, but she wanted to have them on the day. So far, so good.

Anyway, I looked through the bags and only 3 were named (2 for DS and 1 for DD) so we put them aside to deal with later. DH and I have now opened them to look, and they ALL appear to be for DS - nothing big, clothes and a couple of stocking filler type wooden toys. I was a bit surprised, but DH says DD won't really notice as she's so small. He thinks it might be because both he and his mum were only children and so she doesn't get it. But I think it is a bit odd - how could you sit there wrapping up a pile of 10 or so presents for your grandchildren, of which only one is for one of them, and not realise? And I've not seen an signs of favouritism before, if anything I'd say she favours DD.

So AIBU to think this is a bit odd? I can't say anything to her, DH thinks she'd get upset.

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 21/12/2013 07:21

YANBU. That is distinctly odd. Is there any chance the one present for DD is really fancy/expensive? Could any of the others be meant for her? Perhaps your MIL forgot to drop the rest off?

Even if this is all there is, & TBH your DH is right, DD won't notice, she is only 18m. DS will though, surely? Seems very odd.

coraltoes · 21/12/2013 07:21

I don't get why you opened them?

Birdsgottafly · 21/12/2013 07:25

When you say she favours DD, perhaps she is making up for it, or is unsure about what to buy a girl (perhaps that doesn't apply).

But I agree with your DH, I wouldn't of thought that it doesn't matter because your DD won't see the difference and I wouldn't want to overload someone else's house with unnecessary stuff that the child wouldn't appreciate anyway.

I think that Mothers of Sons are constantly treading in thin ice. Look at the other threads where they are turning up with a shed load of unneeded tat to make up the number if presents.

FamiliesShareGerms · 21/12/2013 07:35

Hang on -5 days before Xmas you are opening your children's presents??

Original poster
APipkinOfPepper · 21/12/2013 07:36

We opened them as there were no names on them so we didn't know which DC they were for.

Maybe she didn't know what to get DD, although she often turns up with a few bits of clothing for both of them when we go round.

My main concern is that DS will notice and wonder why the difference, but hopefully he'll be too busy and excited to really notice. I think we will pretend one or two of the non-clothing ones are for DD (as she won't remember once they are opened) so it doesn't seem so unequal - MIL's presents are probably going to be opened separately from the rest as she wants to Skype to see them open them, so I am worried it will be really obvious?

OP posts:
Lavenderhoney · 21/12/2013 07:37

why open them? Couldn't you wait:)

Call her and ask which present is which if they aren't labelled. Or put them to one side for the day you see her so your dc can open then and she can have the pleasure of giving.

Your dd may not notice but your ds certainly will.

pictish · 21/12/2013 07:37

Yabu imo. Your dd is 18 months...a baby....she does not need or notice the same amount of presents as your older child. I think what your mil has done is perfectly acceptable.
My mil did the same when ours were wee. Ds1 would get a 'bigger' present while ds2 and dd, who are six and seven years younger than ds1 respectively, got more token gesture like presents, as they were only tots and didn't need, or indeed want, anything else.
I never had an issue with that at all - seemed sensible to me!

Why did you open the presents to have a look? What's that all about?

Original poster
APipkinOfPepper · 21/12/2013 07:38

I really want to think the best of her and not stew over this, but my gut reaction when we looked through them was - but what about DD?! So I wanted to get a reality check on here as DH thought I was over reacting!

OP posts:
CuriosityCola · 21/12/2013 07:39

I would wrap your ds's gifts back up as one present. Then they will have one parcel each. Wink

FruOla · 21/12/2013 07:39

I think the OP and her DH opened the presents which didn't have gift tags on them - probably to check what they were so that they could write a gift tag to either DS or DD from granny, and then re-wrap them.

FruOla · 21/12/2013 07:40

Ooops - massively X-posted Blush

Rowlers · 21/12/2013 07:40

Can't you ask who she meant them for, seeing as they had no labels on? She'll be able to explain then instead of you second guessing what she's done and why.

Wishfulmakeupping · 21/12/2013 07:41

Thought the same as lego that maybe dd is more expensive

pictish · 21/12/2013 07:42

My mil isn't a meanie bte. It was ds2's 6th birthday yesterday, and as usual she comes along with little token gifts for the other two as well...just so they don't feel left out. I have never asked her to do that of course, it's just her way.
She's very kind, but she is not wasteful. At eighteen months, kids are more than happy with very little.

pictish · 21/12/2013 07:42

I think you are overreacting too.

Original poster
APipkinOfPepper · 21/12/2013 07:50

Thanks for calming me down! To be fair, DH does think it is a bit odd, but that his mum is generally a little odd and it's just one of those things Grin

I hadn't thought that maybe DD's named present might be something "big" and these are to balance it out.. Although not sure how much you can splash out on an 18month old!

OP posts:
pictish · 21/12/2013 07:53

Exactly! She's just a tot, and she doesn't have any concept of money or desire, when it comes to material things. There is no need to worry about it all being equal at this stage.

pictish · 21/12/2013 07:55

And yes...quite likely your dd's gift will have been that wee bit more pricey.
Wait and see. I don't think any of this indicates an attitude from your mil at all.
Chill. Smile

bigTillyMintspie · 21/12/2013 07:56

Well, your DD will want to play with her big brothers toys anyway, so why don't you say they are for both of them to share?

Balaboosta · 21/12/2013 08:18

If you don't want to stew over it -then don't stew over it! Posting about in AIBU is not going to help!

Yamyoid · 21/12/2013 08:19

If you're Skyping when opening the presents, you didn't need to open them, surely mil would've been able to tell you whose were whose.
I really don't think you need to worry about an 18 month old. She won't notice, maybe mil was trying to save a bit of money while she can. That's how we've approached this Christmas with a 7 year-old and 20 month old.

PicaK · 21/12/2013 08:26

Out of interest what were the toys? You say there were more suitable for boys - but perhaps she was being gender neutral and/or gave them stuff to share? I mean 18 months is a great age for a train set - but it's just not very pink...

ViviPru · 21/12/2013 08:38

I was going to ask the same as PicaK, are you saying there are 9 gifts definitely for DS, including 2 labelled and one for DD? If so then YES, this is weird if it's out of the blue with no prior discussion.

In my family, we're totally anal quite careful about ensuring gifts are evenly distributed. However this year, DN1 is 8 and DN2 is 8mo. I have bought the usual stack for DN1, it will probably amount to 5-6 individual wrapped gifts. I have one present wrapped for DN2. But my sister acknowledges that this year we'll end up with quite a bit more under the tree for DN1, and when asked what to buy for DN2, she's said oh don't bother with too much for her, she won't have a clue what's going on and already has everything she could ever really need right now.

So my sister's DCs will have a similar gift imbalance to you OP, but within the context of her having acknowledged and expected it from the start. And to avoid confusion, gifts will be clearly labelled (particularly important this year due to the imbalance.

Original poster
APipkinOfPepper · 21/12/2013 08:51

The toys were little wooden puzzles - not particularly boyish, but too difficult for DD. But I suppose maybe she didn't realise that.

I get that DD won't notice or care. I was more concerned about whether DS would notice. But it seems this is quite normal.

Thinking about it more, I suspect this is a bit of a presents culture clash - large families and one present from each person, necessities like clothes given as and when not as presents, vs smaller family lots of presents from parents including clothes etc wrapped up as presents.

Thanks all for the perspective

OP posts:
Shamoy · 21/12/2013 08:54

I'd get wooden puzzles for an 18 month old!! You tend to get things that little bit older for kids as presents so you don't duplicate what they've already got and also so they don't outgrow then too fast!
I'd message your mil and say you've noticed that only a couple are labelled, are the others to share? And she will clear it up for you!