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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit sad at Christmas

25 replies

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 21/12/2013 06:45

DH is very much a live for today person and can't understand my occasional Christmas tears.

We're in our 60s now and have lost so many friends and family members that used to make Christmas so magical.

I miss the huge family Christmases of my childhood with grandparents, parents, aunts, uncle and cousins all singing carols around the piano in my grandparents' "parlour". I miss the Boxing Day walk along the beach with Dad and Granddad.

I miss the Christmases when our DCs were little and still believed in Santa and we were with my parents at their home or ours.

I miss the friends we used to see who sadly died too young.

I will enjoy Christmas and seeing grown DCs and their partners and remaining friends and family but I will always find somewhere quiet to have a few tears of nostalgia on Christmas morning that DH finds hard to understand.

OP posts:

chuckeyegg · 21/12/2013 07:04

Christmas stirs up a lot of emotion. Happy and sad, you often feel the absence of people you've lost and as a result experiences you had with them.

I think it's okay to allow yourself to feel sad for a bit and then as you say enjoy the day with your remaining family and friends and make some more good memories.

Merry Christmas. x

Original poster

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 21/12/2013 07:07

Thank you. Merry Christmas to you.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 21/12/2013 07:15

I am a "live for the day" type of person, but now my youngest is 16, I miss a lot of what Christmas used to be about. I haven't plucked up the courage to go to a Grotto without a child. My DH died from Cancer.

Since my Mums (85) two last remaining best friends died, I have seen a big change in her, which is understandable.

Personally I am excited about the next child free phase if my life, but there are parts that I miss and I do miss some if the excitement that goes as you get older, around nights out and what to wear etc.

I think that it's fine to allow yourself moments if reflection and mourn a little.

I agree with "Chucky", I tell myself "that's enough, pack it in and get enjoying your day".

Original poster

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 21/12/2013 07:20

That's how I am. But DH hates to see me upset and it brings him down because he can't "fix" it. He lost both of his parents at a young age so maybe doesn't get it.

OP posts:

threebats · 21/12/2013 08:00

Merry Christmas smorgause I relate to how you feel - we have had tears here already from youngest dd as she misses her stepfather who died 3 years ago at Christmas. I tell her its absolutely okay to have a cry then remember that we are here and love her and to pick herself up after it and carry on. Its all we can do. There is nothing wrong with a good cry my love.

Cheesy123 · 21/12/2013 17:41

:( sorry you feel down about Christmas but I hope it turns out to be ok.

NewGirlInTown · 21/12/2013 17:47

Yes, OP, I totally empathise with you. I miss so many people at this time of year, even though nice things happen still.
My mother was the heart of Christmas for me and since losing her four years ago I have struggled.
I think your feelings are completely natural and show you as a person of depth and compassion with an awareness of the true spirit of Christmas.

BohemianGirl · 21/12/2013 17:49

I'm with you there. We used to both have enormous extended families, many aunts, uncles, cousins and various "hangers on", but as each generation starts to pass away, the links fall away too.

I miss my mothers cousins so very much, we had such big family do's. although I talk to and am very good friends with what would be the next generation (so 3rd cousins to me) and we talk very frequently, we aren't going to hightail it and have a marvellous christmas with them as each have their own families.

I miss my parents so much and DH misses his. It is a moot point really that our children never saw/cant remember any grandparents

cupofteaplease · 21/12/2013 17:57

I feel the same way, OP.

I used to love Christmas with my parents and grandmother and was looking forward to my children having the same experiences. But then I lost my Nan and Dad close together and Christmas never felt quite the same.

Now my youngest dd has died, I really struggle to muster up any enthusiasm for the season, but I don't want to feel this way. I want the excitement and joy that Christmas used to bring.

Original poster

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 21/12/2013 18:20

So sorry for your loss cupofteaplease.

I know we will all make the effort and there will be good times for all of us over Christmas but I think it's a good thing to spend a while thinking of Christmases past and those we loved. It shows that they mattered to us.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 21/12/2013 18:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EvaBeaversProtege · 21/12/2013 18:32

Do you have any grand children op?

My mil used to feel like you before they came along.

We lost gran a few months ago & this will be our first without her. It's going to be tough, I know.

Original poster

SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 21/12/2013 18:50

No grandchildren yet. Neither DC or their partners seem bothered about having kids. I'll be bit disappointed if they don't.

I do, however have my niece's girls to spoil and they live nearby.

I'm not a misery all over Christmas, just have a few quiet tears of remembrance of times past. Hiraeth the welsh call it.

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 21/12/2013 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guitargirl · 21/12/2013 19:03

YANBU

I often feel sad at this time of year for no specific reason really. It is just a very emotional time of year. In the job that I do I see a lot of human misery and then I feel guilty about spending lots of money on making Christmas nice for my family.

WankingInAWinterWonderland · 21/12/2013 19:08

YANBU

MrsLouisTheroux · 21/12/2013 19:09

OP You miss your childhood family. In my case, as in many families, it was the time of year we all got together. I have lost most of my older family members and I miss them.

MrsLouisTheroux · 21/12/2013 19:11

MrsDV xx

Hassled · 21/12/2013 19:17

I find Christmas very sad at times - tbh I've never really felt the same about Christmas since my father died (I lost my mother when I was quite young). And of course not having any DCs young enough to be a believer makes it different again - it's hard to feel that "magic", although they're still very excited.

This will be a good Christmas, though - I've lowered my standards massively, I won't be entertaining hoards of people (as in previous years - the time I had ExH's wife's mother for the day was the time I realised things had gone too far), no-one extra is staying overnight - it will be lovely.

Jbck · 21/12/2013 19:17

OP, we've lost two very important people this year, my Godmother who was also my aunt and Mum's best friend, so she is devestated and my best friend was taken vety suddenly just shortly before.

My friend and my aunt would both be the first to say, enjoy yourselves and don't feel sad that Im not there, just remember all the good times we shared.

We usually have a big New Year, bigger thing here in Scotland and my aunt's house was the hub, even after her hsband died she wanted to make sure we still did Christmas and New Year as it was a time he loved.

My Mum just can't face it this year and I feel sad my DDs aren't going to continue with all the times I remember as a child. My aunt and my friend would both be annoyed if we all moped about but it's too raw yet to say this to my Mum.

I saw friends last week that my BF would have always been with and we had a lovely day out, it was different and we shed a few tears but we will keep our tradition going as we've been friends for over 20 years and it'd be worse not to do it.

Have a little weep but don't wallow (not that it sounds like you do at all) and move forward enjoying each new era.

Explain to your DH that you need this time, maybe its like release that lets you go on and he needs to accept it even if he doesn't understand.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas and look back at your lovely memories with a mix of joy and sadness.

Hassled · 21/12/2013 19:17

Oh Mrs DV

lalamumto3 · 21/12/2013 19:50

MrsDV and Cupcake I will be thinking of you both xxx

MrsWedgeAntilles · 21/12/2013 20:08

OP, I have a little weep every Christmas time. So much so I make time for it in my getting ready for Christmas schedule. I think it might be because Christmas is so ritualistic that its likely you're doing the same things every year and if someone is missing its much more obvious than when you're just pottering about on a Tuesday in July.

For me it centres around cooking and baking. When I was small we always had a massive big family Christmas at my grandparents and I used to love to help my lovely granny in the kitchen preparing for it. Now, I do feel terribly sad when I'm doing these things without her. However, I kind of feel the sadness comes along with the very happy memories and I'll gladly take it to have had the opportunity to have made those memories.

MrsD, I don't know how I would cope in your situation, you sound like you're pretty amazing

SolidGold · 21/12/2013 20:34

I'm so sorry so many of us are struggling with sadness at Christmas and hope you can manage to find a way to enjoy the festive time some of the time.

I too feel very sad and somehow empty. We were never a huge family, but so many are no longer with us and the ones left are scattered around the country and/or barely in touch. My eldest lives abroad and is spending Christmas with her partner's family this year. My Ds is spending Christmas Day at his girlfriend's parents' house. My youngest is 12 and no longer believes and is quite cynical about Christmas and most things tbh. Dh's family live five hours drive away and I struggle to fit in there, they are so different to me, so we rarely travel down. I miss having people around who I love and who love me.

Add to that the fact that dh has been out of work for 6 months and money is tight and the car needs repairing and things just aren't great.

But I'm trying to make things festive for our youngest and help her be as excited as much as possible. For me, I will count my blessings - that we are healthy and have a roof over our heads. for everyone

ilovesooty · 21/12/2013 20:42

I empathise with this. My marriage broke up, my mum's in a home and my sister couldn't care less what I do at Christmas. I'll be on my own and I do find it hard. My thoughts are with those of you who have lost loved ones.

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