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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think MIL should be grateful and non-arsey?

24 replies

lessonsintightropes · 21/12/2013 01:52

Backstory: MIL is actually a step Mum in law. She doesn't like my DH very much - married his DF when DH was was 8 after his DM passed away. Fast forward 28 years - she has 3 DSs of her own from before her marriage to DFIL with DH aged 8 attached. She does not have a great relationship with any of her DIL or DSs and so doesn't spend the holiday season with them.

Whilst I like both DFIL and DStepMIL, they don't do any of Christmas the way my family do i.e. tree, presents, traditional meal. There are no decs or anything. For the last 6 years, we've spent one Christmas with them as they don't really seem to want to celebrate it. One year we did spend it at theirs, she produced a lamb stew for two people with five around the table, and when people ran out of food heated up some frankfurters anf gave us crackers and cheese. DStepMIL is just not very keen on the whole thing, I am, and here in lies the issue.

This year, I said we'd love to see them for the holidays but know that DSMIL finds cooking for us, them and our step BIL a chore. So I asked if it would be a good solution for us to come with all food and organise everything as she knows I love to cook.

She was happy with it and bragged to friends that her DIL was cooking; I emailed her a couple of days ago to make sure she had the basics of a couple of sieves etc and then she tells me that I am making too much fuss, doesn't see the need for yorkshire puddings, gravy, christmas pud etc etc etc. I had emailed her just to let her know what I was planning and wasn't asking for any help! She had offered to make a couple of items for the day and is now saying she thinks I am making too much food for us and so isn't going to make her bits, despite discussions about leftovers.

Should I try and tone it down, or just bring and make everything as planned?

OP posts:

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 21/12/2013 01:58

Just say you've organised everything now. So, you'll carry in as planned and would really appreciate her help. Just take an Xmas pudding etc they keep and produce it if she doesn't do so

Don't get into debate. She's acting rather childishly so just treat her like a child

SeaSickSal · 21/12/2013 02:06

Um, I think that she is trying not too subtley get the message across that her and DFIL don't really want to do the Christmas stuff

Just go to your family's house. Tell them that you will pop round for a couple of hours on Boxing Day to exchange presents. It sounds like that would be more the kind of interaction they want on Christmas day, it also means that you can spend more time with people who actually want you there so it's a win-win situation.

AgentZigzag · 21/12/2013 02:25

It makes me think she's either embarrassed about 'the fuss' of it, or (given that she doesn't get on with anyone) that she doesn't want to give out the wrong impression that she likes/feels anything for anyone (which is why you'd normally go to the trouble of it all, either because you genuinely love the people you're doing it for or you care about how you're portrayed to the wider world what they think).

She's definitely saying something by spreading a meal for two to five, surely nobody would think you wouldn't need more than you'd normally serve normally to yourself/DH as a couple when three extra people come round?

I have to ask, why do you go round every year?

She's not welcoming, doesn't make an effort, tells you not to make an effort, doesn't celebrate Christmas, doesn't like your DH...

Can't understand it.

Stay at home and do what you and your DH like.

Have you got any DC?

DoJo · 21/12/2013 12:03

It sounds like she's happy not to celebrate Christmas and finds your way of doing things too much - not a crime in itself and certainly no reason to be grateful to you if she feels you are imposing your version of Christmas on her. Why are you so keen to go there instead of spending Christmas with people who have a more similar approach to you?

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 21/12/2013 12:56

I think you're trying to force Christmas on to someone who really doesn't give a stuff about it.

MimiSunshine · 21/12/2013 13:15

Maybe she genuinely (how, who knows) believed that the lamb stew for two was enough food. Are they big eaters?
So when you emailed her the details she just sees a mountain of food that is impossible to get through.

It may not be logical but what seems like common sense to us I.e. Enough to feed 7 if you're catering for 5 and anticipate a couple of people wanting second helpings may just completely escape her.

Carry on as planned and put a load of Tupperware in your boot just in case the left overs don't get eaten and take it home with you.

perplexedpirate · 21/12/2013 13:30

I see that your plan is coming from a good place, but I would furious if my dil forced this on me.
She doesn't do Christmas. She's told you that and you ought to respect it. Descending on her and inviting yourself round to cook something she doesn't even like looks condescending and critical.

Tapiocapearl · 21/12/2013 14:04

I think if she really doesn't want to do Xmas, don't spend the day with her. You both want totally different things.

someonestolemynick · 21/12/2013 14:45

I'm saying this as someone who loves Christmas.

You are invading your mother-in-law's home with a Christmas that she doesn't want. I'm sure you have good intentions, but I honestly can't see any reasons for her to be grateful.

You are going to her house, but bringing the christmas YOU want (she doesn't seem to care).

I would suggest either going to her's AFTER X-mas and having yours just the way you want, or suck up the fact that she is a grinch and have a toned down christmas.

someonestolemynick · 21/12/2013 14:47

...or invite them over to yours, where you can have just the christmas you want.

fluffyraggies · 21/12/2013 14:52

Why cant PIL come to you, OP? Then you can do xmas your way and they might even enjoy it!

If that's not possible i really would think twice about trying to 'ship xams' round to her house. I can't see it working. Even if she was 100% about it it would be tricky to get everything right. You'll find she hasn't enough pots and pans etc. and it will more than likely like trying to push a boulder up a mountain to have the day you are used to.

Find an excuse to pull out - and just pop round for a couple of hours in the morning before putting the dinner on or something? (or does she live loads of miles away?)

Mollydoggerson · 21/12/2013 15:07

You are saying to her: You don't know how to do Christmas, so therefore I am going to do it for everyone at your house. Hmmm I would find that attitude a little annoying to be honest. Bit late now to back out, maybe just go ahead with the original plan, but keep the fuss to a mimimum as most likely the fuss will be recieved with contempt.This plan seems to be the inverse of the the interfereing MIL coming to stay after a baby is born, because the mother won't know how to look after her own baby and house!

Don't judge her for not approaching Christmas the same way you do. It is an overblown child's dream to some people. I am often amazed at how childish adults are about Christmas. Just stick to your original plan with minimal fuss and expectations. Too many cooks piss each other off, so if you have planned to do it your way, just quietly get on with it!

That's my two cents, hope it is recieved ok.

Pancakeflipper · 21/12/2013 15:15

I don't think she should be grateful. Her idea of Christmas and your idea are just different.

It's lovely of you but she might feel like you are imposing Christmas your way on them.

I think it would be different if they were coming to yours (your home your Christmas type of rules).
I would just get on with it now and not ask her about stuff but just turn up and cook.

My mother hated Christmas (for good reasons) and would have struggled if anyone except my dad (who did Christmas dinner and tried to make it happy for us children) came and put their Christmas into her home.

But do come to mine next year. I have several sieves and will buy you a new roasting tin too.

BonaDea · 21/12/2013 15:27

Just carry on as you were. Some people just like to be out upon.

TheRobberBride · 21/12/2013 16:01

Why not just invite them over for Christmas lunch at your house? Then you can do everything just the way you want to and your MIL can escape home when she's had enough.

It would be a much better solution than what you're suggesting.

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/12/2013 16:18

Did you invite yourselves to theirs OP?

MrsKoala · 21/12/2013 16:57

Sorry, i'm sure you mean well, but i think YABU. It is quite obvious they hate a fuss, so why would you invite yourself over bringing all the fuss with you? You may think that bringing it and doing it yourself is not intrusive, but for me it really would be. I can't imagine anything worse than making it obvious i didn't want to do something then someone turning up and doing it in front of me in my home. I'm afraid you are imposing your opinion of how xmas should be on someone else. Perhaps you mistakenly believe everyone really deep down wants that at xmas but just can't be bothered - but actually some don't want any of it, even if someone else brings it to their house.

So did you tell them you wanted to see them, then bulldozer right in with your plans to bring all the trimmings? If so, she probably was too on the spot to say no. It's flattering on the surface but then when you think about it, it's actually really not.

I did something similar with MIL one year, i offered to bring food and do all the cooking - thinking she would be 'grateful', she politely muttered something and gave me a weak smile and i thought 'well, that's odd/rude' and planned to blunder on and do it - because i knew best. Then i really thought about what she must be hearing. Which was 'i'm going to massively invade your space with stuff i think i can do better than you'. I also thought about how i would feel if someone did that.

I think you either visit someone and take their way on the chin, or you just don't. I don't think there is a compromise to keep everyone happy.

I would say, now it is too close to change it, keep it as low key and as relaxed as you can.

Original poster

lessonsintightropes · 21/12/2013 22:27

Thanks for the responses all. It seems clear I am being unreasonable. We haven't spent Christmas together for some years because we like to do it in different ways. PIL can't/won't come to us as they won't drive down from the Midlands to London. Both have said they'd like us to come; MIL looked stricken and a bit anxious about having to organise it all, I offered as I thought it would be nice. Clearly this wasn't a great idea and we won't repeat it.

OP posts:

friday16 · 22/12/2013 08:52

PIL can't/won't come to us as they won't drive down from the Midlands to London.

That's their problem, not yours, unless they're so infirm they can't use trains either.

MrsKoala · 22/12/2013 09:23

I do know how you feel lessons. PILs have never once visited us (also Midlands to south/1-2hr journey) and they don't 'do' xmas the way we would want to (no tree/decs etc), so we have only ever been to them once. They would love us to come up. But as they wont ever travel to us, i will only go when it suits us. And now we have DS i want to start our own traditions and make it special for any dc we have. We go up after boxing day for a few days.

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 22/12/2013 09:38

I would agree that they probably dont want to 'do' xmas apart from the fact that you say there is not enough food. Even if you dont want to make a big fuss surely the lamb casserole you do do would be enough to feed everyone? you dont have to do turkey and all the trimmings but not making enough of whatever youre having is odd. Thats not anything to do with xmas. I would think, if someone did that to me that either they didnt have enough money to feed us all or they didnt really want me there.
Is it that they dont want xmas in their house or is it that they dont want people in their house or is it that if you do this then you are saying that what they do isnt enough and they fear theyll be obliged to do it in future? Or maybe they feel they cant cope with the mess and disruption? Cant afford the gas or electric?

Tbh id forget cooking in their home since its clear

HECTheHeraldAngelsSing · 22/12/2013 09:39

That for whatever reason they dont want you to.
Maybe book a table somewhere instead.

ovenbun · 22/12/2013 10:30

Perhaps she is just super embarrassed about her lamb stew and frankfurter disaster? She may feel really overwhelmed by your capability to cater and might have never experienced a full on Christmas dinner. I think they probably will really love it on the day as long as it is done with a kindhearted spirit and not with an attitude of assessing how grateful they are at any given point. Perhaps email her back and say how much you are looking forward to spending time with them and how you know it sounds like a lot of food but you would love to make them a really special dinner? My only other thought was that stepmil May have an eating disorder

ovenbun · 22/12/2013 10:31

And find this much focus on food difficult? Hope you have a lovely Christmas whatever you decide. :)

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