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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I have a winter wedding AIBU!

24 replies

makemineabacardi · 20/12/2013 15:36

I've been meaning to post about this for a while but figured I was BU and would stop stewing about it. Turns out I havn't so here goes.

Old friend of DH's is getting married on 30th December up north England (near the border with Scotland). We live in the South East. Wedding is in a very beautiful castle in the middle of nowhere. The couple have very good jobs and lots of money. We stay in touch regularly but don't see them much due to distance (to put it in context).

Some time ago we were told that the wedding is child-free. Fine, each to their own I guess. DH still really wants us to go even though (as we have no nearby family) it means my parents will have to do the 3 hr drive from the South West to stay at ours and look after 2 year old DD. I'm not particularly happy since this time of year is 'for family' IMO and we'll be away for 2 days of it and the better part of a day's travelling in both directions. I'm also a bit concerned about what we do if the weather is bad since the venue is in an area that's notorious for getting cut off if there's snow etc.

Then we get the invitation - turns out not child-free wedding after all, but a snotty note in tiny writing added saying 'Due to numbers we will only be inviting children from family.' Pissed me off since to me its saying as our DD isnt their family she's unwelcome. But it's ok for us to travel the long distance and be without her. So they're restricting numbers but money isn't an option - they're loaded and the massive castle can't have been a cheap venue. I get that this is their choice but it's still annoying.

I've sucked it up since it means I can drink on the day (but not too much since we'll be driving home the day after on NYE). Public transport or flying not an option since the venue is so rural and taxis would cost too much.

Invitation also states they want money to pay for their honeymoon - this couple goes abroad several times a year (we havn't been abroad in 3 years and can barely afford an annual holiday in this country). DH thinks I'm BU not to want to fork out cash for their honeymoon and give them an Oxfam goat instead.

So, opinions? And who said weddings were just a summer issue? Xmas Grin

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 20/12/2013 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 15:40

YABU to expect them to pay for non-family people's children to come.

YANBU about their grabby honeymoon gift - I would definitely get them at Oxfam goat!!

nomorecrumbs · 20/12/2013 15:41

I think YAB a bit U. Weddings are a nightmare for all concerned and you've just gotta go with the flow sometimes. Either suck their requests up and try and get into the spirit of things (how often do you get to stay over in a beautiful castle in the middle of nowhere! If it snows it will be like being in a nice version of Game of Thrones) or don't go.

MyNameIsWinkly · 20/12/2013 15:41

YABU for going when you so clearly disapprove of them, their venue, location, date of wedding, guest list and gift list. I wouldn't have wanted guests at my wedding sneering and judging everything about it. Go with good grace and be happy for them, or don't go.

ooerrmissus · 20/12/2013 15:41

The restricted numbers may not be about money but rather about the number of people they can actually fit into the room.

Workberk · 20/12/2013 15:41

Well they might be loaded but their venue could still have limited numbers? I get that it's annoying they've chosen a remote venue but is it near where they live?

I would suck it up, go and enjoy yourself on the day, and only give them a gift you can easily afford. If that's £25 towards their honeymoon, great.

GirlWithTheDirtyShirt · 20/12/2013 15:43

I think the no children except family thing is totally fine, so you're being unreasonable there. We had no children at our wedding (excepting our DD and two very small babies) as if we'd invited everyone's kids it would have been around 40 kids. That's not a wedding, it's a reception class outing. We could have afforded to invite them, we just didn't want to!

I also think you're being unreasonable about the money thing but am in a minority on MN. If you're going to spend money anyway then what difference does it make? If you'd prefer, buy a bottle of fizz instead. However, given the distance you're travelling I'm sure the couple will understand if you just give a nice card.

blackteaplease · 20/12/2013 15:44

I don't have a problem with any of what you have described. In fact, Dh and i are leaving 4 yo and 15mo with gps for 2 nights next week to go to a wedding.

We took dd to a wedding when she was 2 and it was a nightmare. She wouldn't nap, the food was late, we spent most of the wedding breakfast chasing after her.

Original poster
makemineabacardi · 20/12/2013 15:44

Genuinely thank you for the YABU comments - I think I am actually being a bit U as my back is up. I'm sure once I'm there (and DH won't go on his own) I'll enjoy it.

We're not staying in the castle nomore, £250 a night was way beyond our budget. We're staying someone a lot cheaper a few miles away. Xmas Wink

They live in the midlands but both their families come from near the venue.

OP posts:
GirlWithTheDirtyShirt · 20/12/2013 15:45

Oh - apparently I'm not in the minority so far today. Hurrah!

MichaelFinnigan · 20/12/2013 15:45

I don't know why anyone would want to take their child to a wedding anyway. Weddings are for getting drink with your friends and staying up late having fun.

MichaelFinnigan · 20/12/2013 15:46

I'd be a bit miffed if it were my wedding and everyone buggered off at 8pm because it was time to put the kids to bed

Original poster
makemineabacardi · 20/12/2013 15:47

And we took DD to two weddings in the summer both of which were just as far in distance, it was fine. I think I'm comparing.

The weather thing is still a worry though. And I still don't agree with selectively inviting children. Either invite them, or don't. But I'm prepared to be told IABU there too. Xmas Wink

The oxfam goat gift is looking tempting.

OP posts:
HaroldTheGoat · 20/12/2013 15:47

I think it's not unreasonable to have child free weddings but for family, to give you an idea if I had friends children there would be more children than adults at our wedding.

HOWEVER saying this, if you are going to have a child free wedding, then it's not a great time of year to be having it.

When/if me and DP get married I'm going to have to say only family children as well. There is just no other option.

Mabelandrose · 20/12/2013 15:47

I interpret this to mean that rich people don't deserve wedding presents...

HaroldTheGoat · 20/12/2013 15:50

To be honest I have been to loads of child free weddings and always the nieces nephews and the couples own kids are there.

I'd think it more weird if they weren't.

CooEeeEldridge · 20/12/2013 15:53

If you don't want to give a gift then just don't! People on here complain all the time about notes re presents / money, the fact is the majority of wedding guests DO want to give something, and better they gift money for a honeymoon than but a random toast rack or whatever.

KhunZhoop · 20/12/2013 15:55

You sound like you really hate these people, which is a shame. I, too, only had family children at my winter wedding this year, which, as I like quite a few non-family children more than some of the ones I'm related too was a bit tough, but we had limited numbers, and for every friend with a child who wanted to come it meant I had a friend who I actually wanted to be there to cross off the list. Much as I love my friend's children (and I do), there were friends I loved more who it was more important for me to spend my day with. Sorry. Admittedly, my wedding was neither rural, nor over Christmas holidays.

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 15:59

YABU

It's up to the couple marrying, who is invited. When my dad got remarried it was family children only.

As far as their wealth goes, getting married is an additional expense over the top if normal expenditure and I think there's no greater gift than limiting a couples debts going into their married life.

Mabelandrose · 20/12/2013 16:00

Also, there is nothing wrong with a child free wedding. You either see it as a great excuse to get away and really enjoy some couple time or don't go and let them invite someone else who does want to go.

It is difficult being in the festive period, but I'm sure they would understand your reasons if it doesn't suit your family. Feel really grateful they wanted you there to share their special day.

Christelle2207 · 20/12/2013 16:04

Regarding the kids issue there is a good chance they are limited on numbers in the room and 2 kids takes up as much space as 2 adults- so it effectively means they can invite another couple. YANBU re the honeymoon though you're clearly spending enough going there and back

Pootles2010 · 20/12/2013 16:07

So someone's invited you to a lovely free meal/night in a castle in a stunning part of the world and you're pissed off?

Yes yabu! Either go, or don't. Why are you pissed off at being invited? Bit odd.

ThurlHoHoHow · 20/12/2013 16:09

With the kids thing YABU, despite owning a small person myself I do think long days at weddings are not the best places for most children.

However for the long-distance wedding at new year, I'll probably be in a minority but I don't think YABU. If you plan a wedding that is hundreds of miles away from some guests or at a busy time of year, I don't think you should be surprised if some people can't make it because of the cost or the time. Or equally because of the childcare.

annielouisa · 20/12/2013 16:13

I think you are being slightly U as if you are just friends your DD however precious to you is not family to the couple getting married. It is not a personal slight just a statement of fact.

I sure your DD will have super time with GP gone and have a good time.

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