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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think DP's parents were mean about new job?

20 replies

ThePartyArtist · 20/12/2013 12:07

DP and I both work but due to insecure jobs / wanting career development have been looking for new jobs for over a year. I have told his parents several times (when they've asked) how stressful and unsettling it's been, and how hard we are job hunting. Recently, DP got a promotion at work - I was absolutely over the moon, brought home champagne, friends phoned to congratulate, my parents emailed etc. etc. I suggested he should let his parents (who live overseas) know so he skyped them and their response really made me wish we hadn't bothered! I was not part of the conversation however could overhear and am wondering if I'm being unreasonable to think they were out of order.

They did not say congratulations or similar, and instead quizzed him on whether it was really a promotion, whether his employer was taking him for a ride, whether it would fall through etc. etc. They have no reason to think any of these things would be the case. In the same conversation he told them that before this promotion he had an interview in Scotland, and rather than sympathising that he didn't get it they were very rude about Scotland, the possibility of moving somewhere colder etc. etc. and actually laughed at him, or at least that was the impression he was left with.

My only explanation is that they really do not understand the sector we work in, or what work in the UK is like (they're somewhere where it's who you know and promises of opportunities can fall through because nothing's done by the book). However I think it was really mean of them to respond in this way. It completely brought the mood down as he was left feeling they were unsupportive and didn't think it was anything to celebrate, and I was left feeling extremely annoyed at them!

Am I being unreasonable to think this was really mean, rude and disrespectful of them? Or is there another explanation? Any suggestions for appropriate way to respond in future incidents of this kind?

OP posts:

AlwaysDancing1234 · 20/12/2013 12:19

I think that sounds really unfair of them to rain on his parade, they could have offered their congratulations then maybe called a few days later and quietly discussed any concerns they may have had. I can sympathise as my mother does the same thing, always points put every negative. Congrats to your DH on the promotion!

ROARmeow · 20/12/2013 12:26

I think you could be my SIL, as my DH's parents are total killjoys too, especially about jobs/money.

YANBU.

Your DH seems to have a good support network, and you're a good support, so his parents can get stuffed.

LifeofPo · 20/12/2013 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DIYapprentice · 20/12/2013 12:30

Are they glass half empty type of people generally? It certainly sounds like it from this situation.

A glass half empty person will always look at the negatives first, and have to be persuaded to look at the positives of any situation. So a promotion, probably isn't genuine, or will bring more problems that it is worth, etc.

SantanaLopez · 20/12/2013 12:30

Could it possibly be their way of worrying? Grasping at straws there admittedly.

WilsonFrickett · 20/12/2013 12:31

Some people are just killjoys, you know? They quite literally can't see the woods (the good stuff) for the trees (the 'might go wrongs' 'are you sure' 'are you being taken for a ride son' 'Scotland is very cold you know, and you never liked the cold').

So while YANBU and it is mean and dispiriting, I don't think there's much you can do about it apart from a bright smile and a brief, firm rebuttal of each objection (yes dad, it might go wrong but nothing ventured nothing gained, I'm convinced this the perfect opportunity, of course I'm not being taken for a ride, I'm 35 now and quite a catch for an employer, Scotland's beautiful and I'll wear my vest).

And then you do what you're doing and celebrate every achievement. My DH's parents are/were very similar and until he met me he had no idea that you could quite literally throw a party just because the sun happened to shine on a Friday (we actually do live in Scotland and yes it is very cold so when it's sunny down tools and go nuts ). I think it's one of the reasons my DH loves me tbh (pass the sick bucket!) - because I think he's amazing and never miss an opportunity to celebrate our good fortune.

WilsonFrickett · 20/12/2013 12:32

Bluergh that sounded smug ^^ but hopefully you know what I'm getting at

Original poster

ThePartyArtist · 20/12/2013 12:37

Thank you for your kind messages! This is the first time I have posted and I didn't realise people would reply so quickly.

If I were being charitable I'd say that because they don't understand our sector, and don't work in the UK, they don't know how to say anything constructive. Or it might be their personalities, eg. not big showy people? However you don't really need to know anything about the job to congratulate someone on a promotion. I think I just took it rather personally because I know how hard he's worked for it, and what a stressful, long slog of a job hunt we're both in.

Maybe it's just as well I wasn't part of the conversation as it would have been very tempting to say ''I think the word you're looking for is congratulations''!

I don't want to fall out with them, but any ideas on coping with future situations of this kind? It does seem to be a pattern, eg. every time we meet up they don't ask about his job, his Master's that he's just completed, or anything about his life really. And if I steer conversation (eg. so he can tell them about his fantastic mark in his latest Master's assignment, or something he's done at work), they immediately turn conversation round to THEIR careers, or THEIR interests even though these are totally unrelated!

And I agree, LifeofPo, Scotland is a great place to live! And with my surname they should be well aware I'm of Scottish heritage!

OP posts:

redskyatnight · 20/12/2013 12:46

Is this the sort of people they are? When ever I have good news to share, my mother always finds something negative to say about it, so I don't bother these days.

Sounds like DH wasn't exactly rushing to tell them about the new job, so maybe he was expecting a less than complimentary reaction?

SeaSickSal · 20/12/2013 12:49

I think they were just trying to offer practical support and encouraging him to think about all eventualities and make sure he got the best deal. With Scotland it sounds like they were just try to make him feel better about not getting the job.

You sound a bit gushy to be honest. People do have to think about practicalities it's not all champagne and fawning.

Original poster

ThePartyArtist · 20/12/2013 12:54

@DIYapprentice and @santana lopez - I don't think they're particularly negative people or particularly worrying. I think it's more they don't understand his sector and so come across disinterested / not valuing it. For example, his sister has followed the mum in her interests / career and so they always have much more to say about that.

Or perhaps it's because they work somewhere that's very much 'who you know' when it comes to jobs, so perhaps they expect my DP to get screwed over. However I think when someone's telling you about a new job it's pretty obvious they would like your approval / congratulations!

@redskyatnight - yes you're right, he wasn't rushing to tell them really. In fact he's always like that about sharing achievements because he (understandably) expects to be met with either disinterest or criticism. Exceptions to that have been getting his degrees - maybe because his parents never went to uni and he's the first to do so in the family, or because they funded it.

I don't know how to respond to this kind of thing really as my parents would be total opposite and I find it quite upsetting.

OP posts:

MightyMagnificentScarfaceClaw · 20/12/2013 12:55

I agree with ROAR meow (except about her SIL, who I don't know ). In your DH's place I would keep communication very factual and not let the parents know much about hopes and dreams. He has you to root for him, and respond with sensitivity. And me too, now. Well done Mr. PartyArtist

Original poster

ThePartyArtist · 20/12/2013 13:01

@seasicksal - I take your point, and I suppose it may seem that way from what I have written.

It would been ok for them to congratulate and then explore concerns - I'm sure most people would do this. However they didn't say ANY 'well done' or 'congratulations' or similar. It was just bombardment with questions about whether it was a 'real' job offer, was the employer disguising getting him to do more work as an illusion of a promotion, was there a contract etc. I think these concerns probably do reflect what I know of the job market where they live, but they are unfounded here and with this particular employer, and the fact they were not accompanied by any congratulations was a bit mean I thought...

OP posts:

Original poster

ThePartyArtist · 20/12/2013 13:03

@mightymagnificentscarfaceclaw - thank you. I shouldn't let it get to me should I! Anticipating there'll be plenty of this to come with big life decisions in the future, anyway!

OP posts:

brettgirl2 · 20/12/2013 13:04

By definition being employed in the private sector is being taken for a ride. Your employers intend to make more money out of you than you are paid ......

melika · 20/12/2013 13:13

Take no bloody notice, make sure you 'big up' how DH is so so happy and content in his new position.

My FIL is an asshole like this, too.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/12/2013 13:16

I would just stop telling them things.

DH has this with his parents, anything he tells them about our life, they immediately start saying how wonderful his sister/her DH/their kids are.

It means that my parents are much more involved in our life than they are, and we don't care if that means his parents are offended.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 20/12/2013 14:27

my in laws tend to be a bit like this, whenever we have good news they seem to throw a dampner on it every time. we deal with it by expecting them to do it and having a laugh together before we talk to them coming up with all the posible doom and gloom answers we will get, trying to keep a straight face when they say one of the things we predicted is fun. As long as DH is not getting down about it don't worry, just cherish the positives from everyone else.

fairisleknitter · 20/12/2013 14:42

This is why I don't share much work news with people. They may just not get it if it's not their field.

Although tbh I've never cracked open the champagne for a promotion or shared my exam marks with anyone. I'd be a bit bemused at that sort of thing but I'd be happy for you! At least they were happy about the degrees - perhaps because that has meaning to most even if they've not done one themselves.

5Foot5 · 20/12/2013 17:06

I agree with Alibaba. He should just stop sharing any news with them and, if they do happen to find out about some major change in the future and wonder why they hadn't been told, he can just shrug and say "Well I didn't think you would be interested, you have never shown much interest in the past" - let them stew on that miserable sods

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