BIL, children, presents - I really don't know if AIBU? (Long)

[CoolaSchmoola]

I have posted before about my ILs treating my DD differently, but I can't find it to link.

Background info: At Christmas and birthdays my DNephews and DNieces get lots of presents from their GP and DH's siblings. Our DD usually gets one, from SIL (DHs DSis) and GP together. Last Christmas Day we visited the ILs, and SIL was there with her children. They were surrounded by mountains of presents - and in the middle of all that was one present for DD, not wrapped. Don't get me wrong, it was a nice present, but the disparity was glaringly obvious.

DH has had words in the past as DD is treated differently regularly - ie DN's are bought sweets/toys weekly - DD doesn't get them. We live ten minutes away and they haven't been to our house since September, despite them driving past. Anyway - back to the point of this thread

BIL (DH's DB) has two boys aged 6 and 3 who live with his ex, but he has them every other weekend.

We have a DD aged 2.

Since DN's (4 in total) were born DH and I have bought them birthday presents and Christmas presents every year without fail.

BIL has NEVER bought her a present, or contributed to the present she does get. He and his boys came to her Christening and both her birthday parties.

He works, and earns a good wage, so I don't think it's financial.

I am not normally one to begrudge any child a present, but we have had a really shit year financially this year, culminating in DH losing his job, so we are pretty damn skint.

Despite this I have saved carefully for months and bought all four DN's a good present, plus a gift each for MIL and FIL, and although I know you don't give to receive I'm feeling pissed that DD will get one present from her entire paternal family, and I am 100% certain a big fat nothing from BIL. (We don't get anything from them, DH doesn't even get a present from his parents even though all his siblings do - but that's a whole other can of worms!)

The main thing isn't the money - in previous years we've been financially FAR better off and I've still been seriously pissed that DD is treated differently.

The other day I got annoyed thinking about it and said to DH that if BIL didn't bother to buy DD a Christmas present this year then maybe we should stop buying for his boys. DH said that IWBU as it's unfair to punish the children.

And this is where my dilemma comes in....

I do agree with him, and would never normally do something like this, but:

His kids get mountains of presents from the ILs and DH's siblings at Christmas and birthdays, so I don't think it would be a case of them noticing. DD doesn't so part of me would like to stop buying for BIL's children and use the money to buy DD an extra gift or two.

We very rarely see them, so we don't have a relationship with them.

We don't get a thank you for them.

We are actually struggling financially - and BIL isn't, so if there is only one set of gifts to be bought I'd rather give them to my DD, than to DN's whilst DD goes without.

And the one that worries me the most - at some point DD will notice this disparity and I don't want her being made to feel second best by anyone, least of all family members.

So - I can see why I might be being U - they are kids, it's not their fault their Dad's an arse etc, and I can see why I feel the way I do. I just don't know which side to come down on. I don't want to punish the kids - but I don't want my DD to feel like she's being punished by being treated differently.

All thoughts welcome.

I would not take my children to spend time with people who treated them like that.

why on earth are you so involved with these toxic people?

yANBU with regards to the disparity but one thing I'd like to know is do you get/give thank you letters.in my house no thank you letter = no gift the year after. BIL sounds like the kind of person who wouldn't give thank you letters. I'd use that as an excuse. Your kids are the most important people in this. If you want to spending your money on them do it.

Don't go. Have your own Christmas in your own house. Or have Christmas with people who like you.

Just don't get them anything. You haven't got money to waste.

Let's face it, these kids don't know you and have every material item they could possibly want.

You not buying them a gift is barely going to feature on their radar. It is definitely not going to be any form of punishment.

MummySantaHoHoHo - DD and I haven't been to their house since the summer, and last year was the first time we went on Christmas Day. We won't be doing that again. I'm thinking Christmas Eve this year so no presents will be on show.

QueenQueenie - we aren't actually that involved, we don't see them very much at all and that's fine with me, but we have always bought presents for the children (eldest 12). It's only since DD was born that this has annoyed me. It's bothered me that DH never gets anything from them, but I couldn't care whether I do or not. I do care about DD feeling left out though.

And at the end of the day they are DH's family. We have limited contact because of other issues, but it's not at the point of cutting them off, just keeping a distance. And it's not the kids fault some of the adults are arses.

Prettykitty111 - yes thank you letters always go out of this house, often accompanied by a photo of their child at the party, or DD playing with said gift. And no, they don't come the other way.

Get them a box of maltesers, £1 each. Spend the remainder on your little girl.

Stay at home and have a lovely day. Sod them. And feel free to cut down what you spend on the DNs

Savoy we only went for a couple of hours in the morning. We're staying at home alllllll day this year, because, this aside, DD is older now and I think it would be unfair to drag her away from exciting new toys to go do an unexciting visit. It also means I can start quaffing the Christmas sherry the minute I put the bird in rather than having to wait until I've driven .

And at the end of the day they are DH's family.

So?

I completely and utterly fail to understand what any of you get out of any kind of contact. They have made their feelings very, very clear.

Why subject your DD to that?

Precious - you're right - as I said in my OP that's the one that worries me most. Noone is going to make my child feel second rate, if that means never going there around Christmas then hooray so be it.

Yep no thank you letter no gift at all. I think it is so rude to not send a thank you letter. And your idea of adding a photo is lovely. How can someone receive that year after year and not think ohh my kids should do that. It's rewarding bad manners, don't bother have a lovely Christmas at home instead.

Nanny0gg - what I meant by And at the end of the day they are DH's family is that it's his decision to cut contact, not mine. He doesn't feel it's at that point yet, but he has reduced contact, as have I. And tbf, it's not all of them.

When they do see DD they are good with her, she likes seeing them and has fun - it's only when presents are happening that it's obvious, so I'm hoping that not going on present giving occasions and only sporadically throughout other times she won't notice. I accept that this may be naïve and will be constantly reviewing.

Doesn't seem worth it at all. It's Christmas and you've had a tough year. If anyone says anything about it, leave it at that.

If they go on about it, then point out the disparity.

Or just don't go Christmas Eve and not bother with the whole thing.

I've already bought the kids presents for this year, and for PIL so we will be going at some point.

What happens this year will be the deciding factor in what happens next year and after.

I don't always give to receive but I do tend to match gifts so spend similar amounts on gifts exchanged. I also don't send gifts if none are forthcoming from family, certain friends etc.

I will give randomly fully expecting nothing back for friends who I perceive as less well off and /or who I want to treat.

Yanbu to stop the exchange of gifts with his family. Suppose its up to your dh. At the end of the day if you could afford it hopefully the girls would appreciate you continuing to think of them

Thanks everyone, that's my decision made I think.

If this year is a repeat of last year then I won't be buying again.

Although if DH wants to he can go out and buy the presents himself instead of leaving it to me. He loathes and detests shopping!

No presents this year. You don't have the cash flow. Simple as that.

On another note, YANBU about your dd being treated differently. I think that if you continue to buy presents for other children where the gesture is always never reciprocated then you are inadvertently contributing to the difference.

Speak to BIL and tell him that you can't buy presents and you're sure he will understand as he doesn't buy presents for your dd. so that makes it all fair and square.

Have you actually had any of this out with any of them?

I'd have to know why?

I think you should (at least) start to get this all out in the open, CoolaSchmoola.

Maybe if you and your DH actually said to your BIL (or emailed/texted)

"Look, we now know from last year that you'd rather not exchange Christmas gifts (for the children). We hadn't realised in time last year and rather overrode your decision, by buying for DNephew's, so just wanted to check that you were still of that mind, this year, and would again prefer not to exchange gifts?"

If you can get this out in the open, in relation to your BIL, perhaps you could then think about also bringing up the difference between the way PILs and SIL are treating your DD in relation to the way they treat the rest of the GCs.

DH had it out with his parents and they apologised, and after when they did occasionally visit they brought her a treat- this Christmas will be the acid test.

He hasn't spoken to his DB, but I get the feeling that it will be happening after Christmas if what I suspect will happen happens.

I'd LOVE to know why, because I really don't get it.