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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel sad for dd

17 replies

Canthaveitall · 20/12/2013 00:26

Perhaps pfb. But I was out with dd's class mums and went to the loo. On returning I overheard two parents who I am friendly with talking about a party recently and how the whole class went. Dd was not invited . They must have know this. I know I shouldn't care but I do. Dd is 8 and has not been invited to a party for ages. To me she is a friendly and lovely girl. It's awful to think she was left out.

OP posts:

RunRabbit · 20/12/2013 01:21

Not nice at all. Do you have any idea why they might have done this?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/12/2013 01:23

That sounds really unfair. Was DD definitely left out; could the invitation have gone astray? Or perhaps it wasn't a whole class thing and the other mums were mistaken?

MiniMonty · 20/12/2013 03:26

Don't sweat it - this stuff comes and goes all the time somewhere between 7 and 17. Politics has kicked in - look forward to ignoring more of it for the next ten years. Trying to get involved causes more trouble for the kids at school than it resolves your sense of fair play or injustice. This is a fight you can only lose so leave well alone. You know who your friends are.

The trouble with people is - they're shits.

I GUARANTEE that within a week, a month or a year, you'll be chatting away with some schooly Mum when someone will overhear you talking about a party their child wasn't invited to. This may have already happened... (have you though of that)?

Don't sweat the small stuff (which sometimes - for a second - can feel like big stuff).

Reading and maths is the big stuff.
Everything else is fluff and frippery.

ChristmasJumperWearer · 20/12/2013 03:48

Sounds daft but are you sure she wasn't invited? Does she definitely empty her tray at school every day? A school-mum-friend realised she hadn't received a few letters and invites, asked to go into class and found them all sitting in her DC's tray!

Original poster

Canthaveitall · 20/12/2013 04:18

Def not left the invite as I happened to check her tray yesterday. I know your right mini monty. I guess I am also upset my 'friends' were talking about it and saying the whole class was invited when my daughter wasn't. The conversation stopped as I sat down and there was an awkwardness. Arrrrggghhh. I hate this nonsense.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 20/12/2013 04:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Canthaveitall · 20/12/2013 05:00

They were friends before children but I know what you mean. I Feel a bit better now thanks to you all.

Don't sweat the small stuff is right.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 20/12/2013 08:57

My dd was rarely invited in her younger years because invites were mostly done by mums and bore little relationship to class friendships, only the friendships of the adults. I felt badly for my dd but even so, nothing would induce me to become a coffee morning mum.

Tiredemma · 20/12/2013 09:07

This is why I never socialised with DD‘s classmates' mums

^^ this.

Ive always kept my distance from school mums. Ive generally found that the large majority have too much time on their hands and seem to relish in sitting around gossiping.

Why would they not mention to you that they hadnt noticed your daughetr at the party??

formerbabe · 20/12/2013 10:18

This happened to my son...I felt really sad for him.

IMO, you either invite a handful of kids (less than 15) or you invite every child. To invite the whole class except one or two kids is just downright nasty and petty. I am always shocked that other mothers do this... Don't they think how their own child would feel in that situation?

Feminine · 20/12/2013 10:25

I agree that (when they are small) say up to yr5 all the class must be invited. If that is not possible that half as formerbabe said.

If you must have a party with less, then learn to do it discreetly.

Strangely enough, some parents don't even bother responding to invitations. That is a bit shit also.

My DD (turning 5) had one this week. I realized that a couple of the mums didn't even bother to let me know I was going to let it ride, then it pissed me off a bit!

I asked one of the Mums if her DD got our invitation? yep, she had they had put it on the fridge ...then forgot

I hold grudges

Not particularly helpful to you op , but another example of the hell that is children's Birthday parties!

Original poster

Canthaveitall · 20/12/2013 11:01

Tiredemma They didn't say they hadn't noticed my daughter. We had been sitting at a table, I got up to go to the loo and as I returned they were on the tail end of the conversation saying X had a party and the whole class had been invited. No they hadn't because my DD was not there which they would have known. There was then a slightly awkward silence as I sat down. I was perhaps being paranoid but it felt like they had been discussing it and I wasn't meant to hear particularly as it all happened whilst I was away from the table.

Anyway, I feel better now. It's not the end of the world and my daughter is unaware or at least hasn't said anything. Also I don't know for sure if the whole class was invited or if our invite got lost some how. I think I was more upset about the way my friends were talking about it.

I can't bear this playground stuff. If it's not the not so subtle digs about reading levels, it's trying to find out what SATs levels someone is on or whether they are popular. Arrrgghhhh.

I get myself worked up over silly things sometimes. My DD doesn't get invited to many places so I guess that's why. But I suspect there are just fewer big parties in year 3.

I am going to enjoy my lovely little daughter today as they finished for the holidays yesterday. Happy Christmas to you all

OP posts:

Original poster

Canthaveitall · 20/12/2013 11:02

I know what you mean Feminine . Why do people do that?Grrr.

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SirRaymondClench · 20/12/2013 11:14

I was your DD when I was little Op.
I can remember a couple of parties in my class at Primary that I wasn't invited to. Actually I don't remember the not being invited bit too much, more that my mum actually said to me:
"Why don't you ever get invited to parties?"
That was when the penny dropped that I hadn't been invited.
I don't know why I wasn't invited.
I suppose my point is that lives move on fast for kids and they probably aren't even thinking or talking about that party any more in your DD class and she probably isn't even aware of it as such.
Don't make a big deal out of it to her.
It still reasonates with me what my mum said.
I always had big parties and I always invited everyone and now I have DC I make sure I invite everyone because I would never want another child to feel like I did
x

Original poster

Canthaveitall · 20/12/2013 11:38

Thanks SirRaymondClench. I haven't said anything to her.

There was another party recently where only half the class was invited but unfortunately that was all but two of the girls. One of whom was my daughter. To make it worse all her immediate friends went. It was straight after school and all the girls were lined up to go off somewhere so DD saw the whole thing. She had a little cry in the car and I explained only half the class was going and she wasn't to see it as all the girls except her and another going. Also she has small parties (only 5) so she hadn't invited the party girl to hers. She soon bounced back.

Maybe you are right about big parties. I only ever did one in reception but maybe I should do that.

OP posts:

Fakebook · 20/12/2013 11:45

Don't worry about it. Some people are weird. Dd was left out from a party last month, when all the other girls from her old class were invited. Definitely not forgotten as dd (unfortunately) apparently asked the girl why she wasn't invited and was told her mum said "x isn't coming". . Tbh her mum has always been a bit strange with me (doesn't say hello) but I can't be bothered to get worked up about it. Dd didn't get affected by not being invited so it was okay.

Just thinking, have you ever had a party for your own dd and invited them? I did a whole class party last year, but nothing this year. I think a lot of people reciprocate invites.

MammaTJ · 20/12/2013 11:56

MN helped me through my own DDs party, where 7 or 8 were invited and only one turned up!

My DD has only been to one party in the last school year and none so far this year. It makes me so sad as she is a lovely little girl but can be loud and overbearing. She has ADHD and has lovely lady working with her on friendships and what to do and not to do. She goes up to middle school next year, and we are hopeful she wil develop friendships there, with people who haven't known her or been victim of her controlling behaviours.

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