Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to want to get engaged to my partner of 12 years?

49 replies

strongagain1985 · 19/12/2013 22:28

Been together 12 years and have two kids. I want to take the next step but he's not so keen. AIBU? How long do I wait? What would you do?

OP posts:

firesidechat · 19/12/2013 22:50

I going to sound a bit mean now, but what's the point of an engagement if there's no wedding at the end?

Have you always known that he didn't want to marry you?

RedLondonBus · 19/12/2013 22:51

He doesn't give a shit? Divorce him.... Oh, wait...

Seriously, I'd be re considering wasting more years with someone who doesn't care

Original poster

strongagain1985 · 19/12/2013 22:51

I don't know why he won't. Maybe he just doesn't love me enough but will never tell me straight. What do I do??

OP posts:

lessonsintightropes · 19/12/2013 22:52

Erm [dons tin hat] I married my DH after 5 years together, having told him after 3.5 that he had always known that to me, marriage was important, and as he clearly had no intention of asking [was negative about and down on marriage] then maybe it'd be better to go our separate ways. The thing is, I genuinely meant it, although I adore him and he's made me happier than anyone else ever could. It's a pretty fundamental thing for me. Coincidentally (!) he proposed shortly afterwards. I'm not saying this is the right course of action for everyone, but it was right for us.

firesidechat · 19/12/2013 22:54

You sit down together and have a calm and mature discussion about each others views on marriage, your relationship and where you both stand. The fact that he won't tell you why he won't get married doesn't leave you much to work with however.

Sallyingforth · 19/12/2013 22:59

Why on earth would you want to get engaged now? It would have no meaning whatever. You've been living together for 12 years.
If you both want to get married, just do it. If you don't agree to marry, either stay as you are or split.

EBearhug · 19/12/2013 22:59

If you don't marry, do you have all the other legal stuff in place? If one of you dies, do you know what will happen with the children? Who will inherit? What about all the financial stuff? Marriage is a legal short cut to sort a lot of those things out - you could suggest if he won't marry you, you need to do all that anyway, and work out the cost of that, compared with a basic wedding (register office with no frills).

But it would certainly help to know why he objects to it.

rabbitlady · 19/12/2013 23:15

He doesn't want to get married
i'm sorry.

EBearhug · 19/12/2013 23:46

He might not want to get married, but there are two children, so he has responsibilities to the relationship whether he likes it or not (after 12 years, he would have, even without children), and it's not unreasonable to want to have some financial and legal protection in place for them, in case something terrible happens.

leftkidney · 20/12/2013 00:07

Marriage upsets him, no marriage upsets you. There's no right and wrong here but you can't force him to get married and its no more unreasonable for him to not want to get married than it is for you to insist on marriage. You'll just have to come to an agreement or learn to live with it.

Thants · 20/12/2013 00:22

I think this attitude that if someone doesn't want to marry then they don't care. He has committed 12 years already to you, he clearly does! That's not wasting time. Being married won't actually make any difference to your relationship.
It sounds like he has assumed you don't want to get married if you haven't brought this up before. If you want to get married why haven't you proposed?

Thants · 20/12/2013 00:23

I meant to say I hate or don't like this attitude

Lj8893 · 20/12/2013 01:13

Yeah I don't get the whole engagement thing tbh.

Me and my dp have only been together 2 years but now we have our dp, I don't see the need to be engaged! We both want to get married, why do we need an engagement??

However, my dp feels differently to me and wants me to have a ring on my finger to show the world (although he's not going to do a fancy proposal!)

You need to sit down, and have a calm conversation about it, maybe once he realises that your not fussed about a big do, he will come round to the idea.

Lj8893 · 20/12/2013 01:14

*dd not dp!

cariboo · 20/12/2013 01:23

You say he "doesn't give a shit". I would understand that as he doesn't give a shit about you, your feelings or your relationship.

Are you sure you want to marry this person?

BohemianGirl · 20/12/2013 06:44

If the OP wants to get married but her partner doesnt, no one can force him to marry her. He does have a say in this.

I'm afraid I remain puzzled why people hook up, have a family together, get financially embroiled and then think a wedding might be a good idea.

OohBridget · 20/12/2013 07:30

See now I can see the point of being engaged ..but it depends on you guys. I loved the excitement of being engaged. Telling everyone etc. Flashing my ring

BUT we are (presumably) much younger.

In the end (a week ago today!) we went on 'holiday' withour toddler and eloped. it was the best thing ever. I wore a huge beautiful gown and we both went all out even though it was just us. We drank champagne and ate lovely food. Our 2yo was a gem the entire time. It felt really special and luxurious but we were without the huge expense of a bigger wedding, stress free and while I thought I might be a bit sad that certain people weren't there, I didn't. I heard that music ..walked downthe stairs with my dd and then I saw him and I don't remember anything else until after! lol I wholeheartedly recommend it. It was for us a compromise. We didn't want to just nip down the registry office, but after two failed attempts were very much over the whole big wedding. Telling everyone after was muchos fun.

I under why your hurt, it became a big issue for me afterthe birth of uunexpected surprise dd. and we've only been together 6. xx tell him what you want and go for it.

OohBridget · 20/12/2013 07:35

I should also say my oh didn't care about getting married either. It was more for me for sure and it took him a while to come around, as others have said- he didn't see the point since we had dc and lived together etc. nothing would change. .still committed etc. But it was important to me and we had to have a frank talk about the fact that it was something I wanted and he needed to decide if it was something he was eventually happy to do..because I didn't want to spend years waiting for something that wasn't going to happen. it turned out almost all of his feelings were based on nerves about the cost and absolutely hating being centre of attention so eloping was the best option. Is it possible that your oh feels the same?

Writerwannabe83 · 20/12/2013 08:10

Me and DH were only engaged for a short while. We booked our wedding date and venue 3 days after he proposed and we were married 5 months later. We still had a 'Big Do' but we just didn't see the point in hanging around. The therm 'Engaged' is just a word, it doesn't mean anything unless it actually leads to a Wedding. My friend has been engaged for 3 years and still no date set. She loves telling people she is engaged but it's just old and pretty boring now news and all everyone thinks is, "but what about the actual marriage, is that ever actually going to happen?"

If you want to get married just tell him that you a rent fussed about the fancy stuff, you just want the commitment,p. Good luck. If however, you are met with a definite no, which is well within his rights, then you need to assess whether that's a deal breaker for you.

As a previous poster has said though, I also find it baffling that relationships gets so deep - longevity, living together, children on the scene etc yet this issue has never come up before or been discussed?

patienceisvirtuous · 20/12/2013 08:19

Agree with others that you need to sit down and talk about this. If he won't change his position will that be a deal breaker for you?

gleekster · 20/12/2013 08:26

OP is this the only area of your relationship where he "doesn't give a shit" about your feelings?
My gut feeling is that you want things in your relationship to change, and you think getting engaged/married will be that change?
Does this man treat you with care, love and respect?
In plain mumsnet speak, is this a communication problem or a bastard problem?

Flatassantassacks · 20/12/2013 09:48

OP do you mean he doesn't give a shit about you in general or marriage? If it's about you then I wouldn't be marrying him anyway...

Fwiw my other half has never been fussed about marriage, he says it's something he's not thought important yada yada yada, but we've been engaged 8 years so he contradicted himself! Suffice to say 2 children later and 10 years were doing the deed next year.

I loved this blog post - maybe worth a read?

sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/

squeakytoy · 20/12/2013 11:52

You know what... If the person I was with didn't want to marry me then I wouldn't have kids with them..

You are tied to each other for life now anyway

80sdrummer · 20/12/2013 12:03

Getting engaged was what was done in the days before people lived together. An engagement was a period of planning a wedding, arranging a home to live in etc so that after the wedding the couple would move in, so in your case an engagement is immaterial.

Why would you want to get engaged to, or marry, someone who doesn't give a shit about you?

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread