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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feel like such a bad mum ( Christmas related)

32 replies

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/12/2013 21:55

sorry for the 2nd post of this evening.

DS said that my job is more important than him. That if I loved him I would be home for Christmas.

I have to work Christmas day, I am also in Christmas eve and boxing day.

I will leaving for work at 6:15am and home at 3pm.

I can not just turn up or phone in sick, I wouldn't do that. I work in a NHS hospital.

OP posts:
SPsWantsCliffInHerStocking · 19/12/2013 21:59

Don't feel like a bad mum. He is upset that you have to work those days.

How old is he?

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 19/12/2013 22:00

How old is he? Can you explain to him why you have to work?

RubyrooUK · 19/12/2013 22:01

Can't you have a special early or late Christmas? I always sell it to my children as them being lucky and getting lots of Christmases as we tend to celebrate with family when they can make it to us (or us to them) rather than on the 25th.

We are off to have our second Christmas of December with my inlaws this weekend. We had it with my dad last weekend.

I know it's rubbish working Christmas but hopefully you can still have a good time.

RubyrooUK · 19/12/2013 22:03

Oh and you could also work round your hours. Why not do your DS' stocking at 6am? Then you go to work. Then do late Xmas lunch when you get home. Is there someone to cook? We don't normally eat till the afternoon anyway.....

HermioneWeasley · 19/12/2013 22:04

Aargh, the guilt!

You are not a bad mum (obviously) and lots of parents work Christmas. As Ruby says, just have your Christmas another day. Maybe open presents Xmas Eve as they do in scandi countries if you're home by 3?

My kids know I have to go to work to earn money to buy food - it's that simple!

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/12/2013 22:05

He is 7.

I have tried to tell him I have to work, he is not getting it.

OP posts:
doggydaft · 19/12/2013 22:06

What age is your DS? Is he old enough to understand that people who are sick don't get the choice of where they are over Christmas?
I have worked plenty of festive seasons (NHS too) and when they were very little we did Santa ridiculously early before I went to work and DH spent the days with family/friends.
Now they are older they understand but love it when I'm off. We've developed a family tradition of going into town for a meal, Christmas lights, mulled wine etc on the 23/24 Dec, whichever day I can get off and we have almost grown to prefer it as it's become our special family time.

LaurieFairyCake · 19/12/2013 22:08

3pm is early enough to have the majority of the day

Have you explained how important your job is for the sick people?

Ubik1 · 19/12/2013 22:09

Oh it's rotten isn't it. I'm working x3 nightshifts then back shift xmas day and boxing day

Can you make him promises for after xmas? Special treats with you?

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/12/2013 22:10

I have been really lucky this is the first year i have to work since having children. This has hit me so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/12/2013 22:11

Ubik1 that sound a good idea.

sorry for the drip feed, but he has ASD so takes everything literal

OP posts:
Ubik1 · 19/12/2013 22:11

What about a slap up xmas dinner when you come home from work and promise to bring him a present?

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/12/2013 22:13

the Plan is to open sant present when they get up ( stocking) then wait till i get home

OP posts:
Ubik1 · 19/12/2013 22:16

As he has ASD I would make some definite plans with him to do some nice things, tell him you are really, really looking forward to these things and you love him very much.

Hopefully you won't have to do it next year...

Original poster
FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/12/2013 22:17

I do :(

but then the next 3-4 year i am off.

OP posts:
ovenbun · 19/12/2013 22:20

Ouch, all three days is pretty harsh on you. I don't know if it would help but perhaps you could talk to him about situations where he doesn't have a choice, going to school, Etc and see if he can link this situation with yours? I hope you have a lovely Christmas when you are able to celebrate x

Ubik1 · 19/12/2013 22:22

It's utterly rubbish

But also kids try to push your buttons sometimes. The excitement of christmas day will cancel out all the upset at you working and they will be desperate to see you when you come home. And when they are older they will be proud of you too

uselessinformation · 19/12/2013 22:23

I would recommend letting him open all of his presents even if you're not there. They're his presents so he shouldn't have to wait. He will then have lots to keep busy with until you return for Christmas dinner. I do know you would like to see him open them but it's about making the day easier for him.

Punkatheart · 19/12/2013 22:23

You sound like a lovely person and your work is important.

Not a bad mum AT ALL.

TreaterAnita · 19/12/2013 22:52

I misread your OP and thought you said DH, I'm so glad that I didn't post LTB!

I can only second the advice to sit him down and tell him what a really important job you do and the poorly people need you there to look after them and unfortunately all the mummies and daddies that you work with have to take it in turns to do that, even on days when they would much rather be at home having fun. I don't know if that's more difficult though if he has ASD, but I guess that he's used to you shift working weekends. Do you think someone at school has made a comment and he's taken it to heart.

Is he an early riser and likely to be even more so due to Xmas excitement? If so, then why not open the presents at the crack of dawn before you go to work, but hold one big present back for you to give to him when you get home, and tell him it's a special present for being such a kind boy who let you go and look after the sick people on Xmas day? You could maybe even trail this in advance?

And clearly, no, you're not a bad mum, don't even think it.

DoJo · 19/12/2013 23:22

I would agree with explaining how important it is to have people like you to work over Christmas. Has he ever been in hospital or had a friend who has had an accident that you might be able to relate it to? Can you explain to him how lucky he is to have a mum who can help make other people feel better and how him sharing you at Christmas is like a present that he is giving to someone who might be sad or scared and need help? Could you maybe take one of his presents to work with you and bring it home as a special treat for him because he's had to share you?

Guitargirl · 20/12/2013 07:30

I really feel for you and that must be very hard.

My parents (also NHS hospital workers) had to work a few Christmases when I was a child and I know how much my Mum hated it. They had a system though where they both used to swap their Christmas shifts for someone else's New Year shifts for a number of years. There were some people who worked in the department, in their 20s no kids for whom going out over New Year was a bigger deal than being at home for Christmas Day. So they would swap and it was a bit of a win-win.
My Dad especially hates NYE so he would put himself down to work that every year. This was probably about 30 years ago now though and obviously too late for this year I don't know if it would be possible to look into that for next year?

On the Christmases that they did work we always used to wait until we were all together again before opening presents. It didn't feel right to go ahead and open without my parents being there as I knew, even from a very young age, that they liked to watch me.

We do the Great Ormond Street Hospital Christmas stocking appeal every year where I get the DCs to think about messages to write inside the stocking cards for the children who are in hospital over Christmas. Maybe you could ask your son to do that, involve him in a small way in the work you do?

Kundry · 20/12/2013 07:57

Every child hates something their mum does sometimes, even ones with SAHMs. They also are experts in knowing how to make their mums feel bad. My mum worked in the NHS and often had to work on Christmas day, it may be harder for yours as you've avoided it before.

But we had great Christmases - firstly remember it's a season, not a day. Plan things for the days before and after. Can you open 1 or 2 presents on Christmas Eve and then save the rest until you are home?

And can you involve him in your work at all? My mum used to take me carol-singing at her hospital every year, I loved it and felt desperately important cheering up the sick people!

By the time you get to 4pm Christmas he will have forgotten this and moved on to finding something else to make you feel guilty about.

jigsawlady · 20/12/2013 08:29

This may sound ridiculous and ive got a 10 week old so dont know how clever a 7 yr old would be about this but after a few days off school after the weekend is there any chance he might lose track of days/date. I know I do when im off on mat leave. Could you just tell him xmas day is on Friday? ?

MusicalEndorphins · 20/12/2013 08:45

We have celebrated on the day before, or day after many a time, but always the kids opened their presents in the morning. Who will your ds be spending the day with while you are working? Can the festivities carry on, with playing with toys and having music ect,? You will be home before you know at 3!