About MIL after looking after DD

[audreyandrustygriswold]

About once every 6 weeks or so I ask PIL to look after DD (3) or pick her up from nursery, if I have something on. Usually they only need to look after her for an hour or two at the most. She is the only grandchild.

MIL is always gushing about how wonderful DD is, both to us and DD. It is a bit OTT actually. But they actually make very little effort to see DD of their own accord, even though they live approx 10 minutes away. That is fine, I have no real bones with that, it is their choice. BUT, when we do see them MIL always makes comments like 'oh DD it has been sooooo long since I saw you', 'DD I have missed you so much' etc etc etc. Which, to me, doesn't really add up with the fact they make so little effort to see her. They only really see her when I ask them to help out, or DH and I arrange to do something with them.

I have noticed a pattern though. Each time after I have asked them to look after DD MIL texts or emails saying something like 'I know we were helping you out, but we really enjoyed our time with DD" or "Even thought you needed our help, we really enjoyed time with DD'. These messages fuck me right off to be honest.

AIBU to want to email her back saying "Well, yes, I am so glad you enjoyed spending time with your grandaughter, despite the fact you were helping me out. Please feel free to ask to see her, don't wait until I need your help you daft boot". I won't send that, but AIBU to find these texts a little irritating?

You sound unpleasant. Sorry.

Maybe its because they want more time with your DD? Seems that way if they email you each time to say they enjoyed it and maybe for them its like they only get that time when you need help?

Email her back saying that you appreciate their help & that they are welcome to have DG over to visit more often, they just need to let you know & you can arrange it.

Hard to tell from your post if they are just a bit lazy about initiating contact or are scared of you. Either way YABU.

Sorry to hear I come across as unpleasant, although I may be slightly biased, I really don't think I am!

Perhaps they do want more time with DD, but as I said, it is always me or DH that suggests doing things or asks them to look after her. I cannot remember the last time they suggested something. Honestly. And they are not backwards in coming forwards. They only have to ask! And they know that.

I like that they enjoy spending time with her and it is nice that they tell me that, it is the fact that every fucking time they it is 'even though we were helping you...'.

My ILs are similar; they're happy to help out once in a while, and always love seeing the kids, but only once in a blue moon would they actually leave their own house to do so!

It actually caused quite an atmosphere for the first year after DC1 was born, as the difference between them and my parents was so striking - but I've learned now that that's just the way it is. And actually, if they wanted to come round all the time, it would do my head in!

Best of all worlds really, when you think about it.

Maybe they don't really want to do more in reality.

But they don't want you to know that so they start with "even though we were helping you out..."

Who on earth does that anyway?

A normal person with no agenda would just text "Lovely to see gd and you all today. Happy to help. Hope to see you soon."

Right?

I would be irritated too because it suggests you're not willing to let them spend more time with your dd which is cobblers and instant victim status for them.

You don't sound unpleasant at all btw.

I agree that they are probably just trying not to be pushy or don't want to make you or your daughter feel as though they are overstepping the mark with regard to contact but why is it up to you to manage their relationship with your daughter? Can't your husband speak to them and make arrangements?

Sounds to me like the hold back not wanting to push you for more visits in case you think they are pushy? They might not want to spoil that you all get along just fine.

I don't think you sound unpleasant!

We have had similar experience here, like foxy I know if they were round all the time it would do my head in so I just let them get on with it.

winky is spot on, anyone without an agenda would just say lovely to see DD. Or how about "lovely to see DGD today. Would love to do it more often, could we take her out on Sat?"

I believe if someone wants to do something they will arrange it, if you are offering for them to take her out they may them feel an obligation.

Sounds a strange way to word something. I'd reply that they are welcome to see her whenever they want.

Doo they only see her when you ask them to look after her?
Do you see them as a family?

Mumaa you have got something there. PIL are retired but are very busy with golf and tennis etc. And they tell us that. I used to get in touch on my days off and ask them if we could pop round, but it was always me doing the asking and I actually stopped in the end as I sometimes felt like I was imposing and me offering was making them feel obligated. Which I don't want.

If they really wanted to help out or see more of her surely they could easily text or email and suggest a meet up, or taking gd out-it's not like that could be overstepping the mark. Sounds odd to me that they put such emphasis on the fact they are helping you out.