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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to withold Cheque ds was having for xmas

51 replies

roastchesnutlatte · 19/12/2013 17:59

Ds (16) asked for new playstation thing for xmas, has been told no as too expensive and his school effort has been so poor this year that I cant justify buying a distraction. we had agreed that he would have a cheque for £200 which he wouldnt cash (so as to save it up) and he could then have money for his birthday etc and if he wants to save and buy one then thats his choice.
Today school bill arrives, there is a £164 charge for missed piano lessons (normally we dont pay as he is a music scholar, only pay if he doesnt turn up) and a £70 charge for remarking a classics GCSE which I speciofically asked him not to have rmarked as he got a D and frankly its best forgotten about and remarking to get to a C seems pointless.I dont like taking conflict into xmas but cant see any other way of recouping the money and feel he needs to be responsible for it.
He does have general stocking type presents, cd/dvd/clothes etc.

OP posts:

Creamycoolerwithcream · 19/12/2013 18:56

Is roast chesnut a real flavour of latte? It sounds yummy if it is.

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2013 18:59

Why didn't he go?

Original poster

roastchesnutlatte · 19/12/2013 19:00

yes, cafe nero I think (always get them mixed up) very nice it is too :)

OP posts:

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/12/2013 19:01

Christmas isn't about punishment.

I dislike parents using Santa for when children are being misbehaved and I don't like the whole idea of using presents as weapons on older children.

landrover · 19/12/2013 19:01

But roast, I do think that the school should take some responsibility too, the piano teacher surely should be wondering where their pupil is (ill, injured etc?)

longingforsomesleep · 19/12/2013 19:04

I'd be having a real moan at the school for not letting me know about missed lessons sooner. When ds1 had cello lessons at school his teacher emailed me the same day if he'd failed to turn up (which he only did occasionally because he'd forgotten). She even interrupted a cricket game one day to make him come in for his lesson!!

I think it's outrageous to let the fees mount up and not warn you.

landrover · 19/12/2013 19:06

I agree Longing!

Casmama · 19/12/2013 19:06

I think you are pretty negative about your son- school effort so poor but a/a* in his grades?
He's also a lazy tyke and you try to talk him out of a remark to ensure he gets the grade he deserves?

I would withhold the cheque on the basis it wasn't to be spent now anyway but tell him that you will give him the money at his birthday if he has improved.

Do try to find some positives about him though- it sounds lik you don't even like him!

youarewinning · 19/12/2013 19:12

Is your DS a boarder? I would be arguing with school that if he boards and is in their care whilst he's missing lessons they should have dealt with it or let you know so you could.
DS is in the wrong I agree he must pay. I would be tempted to give him the cheque and a repayment plan for the £169!

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/12/2013 19:13

he had ten other gcse grades a/a*
school effort has been so poor this year

it seems like he has worked very hard, why do you say his school effort has been poor when he has 10 gcse a* and a.

If this was my child I would be over the moon, and probably buy him a PS4 as a reward for doing so well.

livinginawinterwonderland · 19/12/2013 19:16

To answer your original question, I would give him the cheque. Birthday/Christmas presents shouldn't be connected to behaviour imo. But tell him he has to pay you back for the missed music lessons (he can either earn money via chores or give you money from his Christmas cheque). Not going to lessons for a whole term is unnacceptable.

Creamycoolerwithcream · 19/12/2013 19:19

Roast did your son get all A/A*'s in his GCSE's?

Tigerstripes · 19/12/2013 19:29

Does he get pocket money? I'd take the money from that and leave Christmas separate.

Did you not have to sign the form for the re-mark?

friday16 · 19/12/2013 19:45

#middleclassproblems

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/12/2013 19:50

Bohemian yes I understand that. But even at the state 6th form I went to, if you were studying music at A level you were expected to be actively studying 2 or more instruments - which means attending your peripatetic lessons as well as your curriculum time, unless you had private lessons outside of college.

FortyDoors GCSE exams were 7/8 months ago, sounds as if it is what has been going on since September that is giving the OP cause for concern.

FortyDoorsToNowhere · 19/12/2013 19:57

I know that, but he will not lose those GCSE.

LadyBeagleEyes · 19/12/2013 20:04

I agree with Forty, find another punishment. Christmas is about giving and to withdraw the cheque sounds mean.

CrohnicallySick · 19/12/2013 20:23

Attainment does not equal effort. I got all As and A*s at GCSEs. I definitely didn't put much effort in (no revising, truanted some lessons, chatted my way through the rest). I didn't see the point in making an effort when I knew I could get good grades.

The arrogance cost me later though!

specialsubject · 19/12/2013 20:39

the kid is evidently rather clever. Lots of people here should have learnt to leave their jealousy in the playground.

however he has been disobedient and has wasted educational opportunity (didn't turn up for lessons). So consequences needed.

LadyBeagleEyes · 19/12/2013 21:44

Consequences can happen later. Don't punish him at Christmas, it's just one day.

LineRunner · 19/12/2013 22:23

Hi again OP. No, I'm not a secret classics teacher. I just love history and especially classical history.

So why did your son miss the piano lessons? Does he not like them? My DD missed a load of music lessons one year, and I let her drop the instrument, because it turned out that she loathed the teacher.

Original poster

roastchesnutlatte · 19/12/2013 23:58

Thanks all, and yes it may be a middle class problem Friday but it's my problem and I didn't think there was a mums net ban on such matters# mildlypissedoffatinvertedsnobbery.
Yes I think the school should have let me know sooner but they didn't hence big bill now, and I can't really be annoyed as its entirely his fault he hasn't turned up and I have emailed and cancelled all future lessons so the problem will not arise again.
It's not malicious, just a combination of poor organisational skills, forgetting to check where and when lessons are and generally not putting the effort into going if there is something better on offer. But it's my money being thrown down the drain.
Tiger, no I didn't sign anything for the remarks, which surprises me as I would have expected to.
Creamy cooler, yes he did apart from b in further maths and d in Greek.
Chronically sick, spot on and yes I think the arrogance will bite him now as A levels cannot be spoonfed and passed with bluster.
His effort grades in the end of term report put him in the bottom 2% of the entire school, yet his achievement grades were mainly A with a few Bs. It's a big school, bottom two pc for effort is pretty poor really!
Casmama, he is lovely in many ways and I love him to bits and he knows it, it's his behaviour I don't like.
I think unreasonable or not the money will be withheld, have taken on board ideas but £200 is a lot of odd jobs ( and the associated nagging) I think the plan of holding out the carrot of buying the whole thing for birthday at later date is great though,thanks.

OP posts:

AchyFox · 20/12/2013 01:21

I suppose it's a bit mean to withhold everything.

£100 instead of £200 sounds OK.

He has gone behind your back after all.

WooWooOwl · 20/12/2013 08:33

Can't you give him the money but also tell him that he has to pay you back?

Does he have any other money saved from previous Christmases and birthdays? If he does, I'd be tempted to take that now and then let his savings be replenished by the Christmas gift.

WaitingForMe · 20/12/2013 08:53

There'd be no cheque in this house and we'd simply remark it was a strange choice to spend his money on missing music lessons rather than an XBox.

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