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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About mil??

23 replies

louloutheshamed · 19/12/2013 09:42

We were away this week with pils and other family/friends. We have ds1 almost 3 and ds2 15 weeks. Ds2 has had bronchiolitis 2 weeks ago but seems to have had a relapse this week :( we ended up taking him to hospital and coming home early. Now I know mil was only trying to help in a difficult situation but why does she do stuff like...

Other family friend had ds2 and he was getting upset so she got up to pass him back to me. Mil actually intercepted her and said 'no! He can't be hungry again' then got a silly dangly toy from his play gym and was waving it in his face which needless to say had no effect. It wasn't until I took him and fed him that lo and behold he settled, much to her chagrin. Why do some people object so strongly to mothers comforting their babies in the most natural way possible?

Then, as ds1 is an early riser and often up at half 5, pils offered to take him in the mornings, so we could rest and see to ds2. Brilliant. But, mils version of doing this was to suggest that she took the baby monitor so that she could hear him wake up (all four of us in same room), rather than, you know, ds1 just knocking on their door. I was totally creeped out by the thought of mil listening into our bedroom- she seems especially obsessed with how many times ds2 wakes during the night, which given that he is 3 mo and poorly, is quite a lot. So we didn't do that.

I think I have issues about this all stemming from the night we brought ds1 home from hospital and she was staying at ours and she came into our bedroom in the middle of the night and took him from me when he was crying. So my judgement is clouded a little. Is she overbearing or just trying to help?

OP posts:
SMorgauseBordOfChristmasTat · 19/12/2013 09:44

I think she really is trying to help and take the burden off you a bit. But doing it in a clumsy way.

HappyMummyOfOne · 19/12/2013 10:00

Poor MIL's, cant do right for doing wrong.

If they help they are overbearing and if they dont they are selfish Hmm

I dread DS getting older and getting married. Given the general views on MN that MIL dont deserve the same treatment as parents, will be accused of all sorts yet still expected to provide chid care on tap following a list of precise instructions.

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 19/12/2013 10:03

Happy I have 2 ds so I am v aware if this also. But I am also sure I would never deliberately undermine a future dil in the way I feel she sometimes does to me.

OP posts:
rach6122 · 19/12/2013 10:07

Sounds like she really is trying to help but going about it wrong way. I'm not dreading ds getting married because I have learnt from my own mil how not to behave

pictish · 19/12/2013 10:12

I remember your thread about her coming into your room and taking your baby from you in the night.
I can understand why you feel as you do OP - I remember thinking how overbearing and overly familiar that seemed. At the same time though, I couldn't see any actual malice in it. She thought she was helping - she wanted to give you a break.

I think she is less underming you, and more treating you as she would a daughter. I know...I know...you're not her daughter...but she probably thinks she's being loving - hence the over familiarity.

I can totally understand how irritating you find it, as you are being forced to swallow aggravating behaviour. To complain would be to make a 'big deal' out of it, and might cause discord - so you feel backed into a corner and it's making you seethe a bit. I get that.

However, I'm not sure it's worth falling out about. I think her intentions are good.

AmberLeaf · 19/12/2013 10:15

Must be incredibly irritating, but she probably thinks she is 'helping' she does need to follow your lead though. Is she the type to be offended and 'woe is me' if you were to talk about it directly?

peppinagiro · 19/12/2013 10:16

I don't buy the whole 'poor MiLs, it's just because she's MiL and not your mum' line. My mum and dad are both just like this with my baby, and it drives me batty.

AmberLeaf · 19/12/2013 10:17

Good point pictish about her treating the OP like a daughter. Nice in one way, but hard in another.

I wouldn't want to fall out over it either.

AmberLeaf · 19/12/2013 10:19

Ah, a real life example from peppinagiro, that Mums/dads do this too!

Actually I remember my Grandma doing this too, 'helping' by doing things to sooth my baby that I knew wouldn't work. Well intended though, so I let it slide.

pictish · 19/12/2013 10:22

My mum was like that as well you see...
I would just wait patiently until she accepted that my baby needed ME, and then take over with an inner raspberry in her direction.

It was driven by love...pure love.

moanymandy · 19/12/2013 10:35

I can totally relate to this op and I am having similar problems with my mil. just yesterday she did her trick of taking ds 8weeks from me while I was trying to comfort him (he had his jabs so was a little grouchy) and when he proceeded to scream and I went ro take him she walks away from me!!Angry

I'm not precious with either of my ds' (she used to do the same with ds1) but when he id screaming and she is clearly nit having much luck settling him then I naturally want to soothe him!
I have a great relationship with pil and love them dearly but this drives me insane! I am going ro ha e a word with dh later as I cannot cope with this all day Christmas day and want him to intervene when she walks off with my crying baby!! Angry

shw is also obsessed with his feeding (I breastfeed) and is desperate to give him a bottle to the point that u am probably over defensive when it's brought up because I feel like I'm constantly
having to defend my choice to breastfeed my baby!
I don't know why I'm so surprised as it's like history repeating itself!

I really don't think it's a case of being oversensitive as I really tried to not be too sensitive!
do you think your dh will support you and tell his dm to back off a bit?

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 19/12/2013 10:35

Pictish that is v insightful about her treating me as a daughter.

The thing is we don't have a mother daughter relationship at all from my pov. I feel like she hardly knows me even though I have been with dh for 14 years.

The difference is, If my mum acted like that, which she doesn't, I would just tell her, but with mil I feel like I hand to be polite and not tick the boat, do I just don't say anything g and silently seethe with resentment for years!

OP posts:
Original poster
louloutheshamed · 19/12/2013 10:36

Rock the boat!

OP posts:
moanymandy · 19/12/2013 10:37

wow that was one hell of a rant i honestly love her she is great in so many ways! sorry to hijack op!

peppinagiro · 19/12/2013 10:43

Moany - my parents are also obsessed with DD's feeding and desperate to give her a bottle. She's a total bottle refuser, but they're desperate to have her 'for a few days'. When I pointed out it wouldnt work as she's breastfed, my dad said 'oh we'll just get a big tub of SMA and some bottles and she'll eat it if she gets hungry enough. It won't be your problem if she screams a bit cos you wont be there tohear it.'

Absolute fuckwits. They've totally talked themselves out of any babysitting they might have been allowed to do.

moanymandy · 19/12/2013 10:51

I really don't get it peppin, I think this is her agenda too to have him fir a few hours to give me a break. which is wonderful but I'm just not ready he is 8 weeks old!

I bought a pump so I could have a stash in tge freezer fir occasions I could have a little drink she was so excited as she thought I was going to pump and bottle feed all the time and kept going on about it! It's even to the point that when I gave ds a bottle to get him usef to taking it I told dh not to tell her!!

I feel so bad bitching about her as she was such a support to me while pregnant (my dm doesn't li e local) as I had a troublesome pregnancy. which makws it harder to say anything!

peppinagiro · 19/12/2013 11:04

Ha I know what you mean - it's partly a desire to give you a break, but also mainly a selfish desire to want to 'have a proper go' of the baby and have it to themselves. As my DH points out, if my parents genuinely wanted to give me a break then there are plenty of other things they could do, rather than just try and steal the baby off me.

I get where you're coming from on the expressing. I once made the mistake of leaving my parents with DD for an hour, fully fed, and there was 200 ml of expressed milk in the fridge. I had spent days painstakingly expressing it as I had a physio appointment the next day and DH was going to look after her for a few hours. I told them she shouldn't need any food but needed a nap, but if desperate they could use 50ml or so just to calm her down. And I was only 5 min away anyway. Parents are wellaware of how hard it is for me to express anything. I came back and they'd fed her the lot obviously the second I left, pepped her up and not even attempted to get her to sleep. So I had a seriously cranky overtired baby, engorged boobs as she skipped a feed, and had to cancel my physio as I couldn't express enough to replace the milk they used. Thanks, mum and dad. Thankfully she then started refusing bottles so they've never had the chance to do it again :) we're withholding the fact we're starting solids from them though...

moanymandy · 19/12/2013 11:15

oh yes the solids saga! I had forgotten what lies ahead! ds1 didn't have chocolate and cake etc until he was 18 months or so and only water until he was around 2. Again I'm not precious I did it because I wanted to establish his diet eating fruit veg etc first (something I wouldn't ear as a child! ) you would have thought I was starving him the way they all went on at me! Hmm (they as in pil my dm my dgp's siblings etc...)

its going to be harder rhis time as it is with ds1 around!

struggling100 · 19/12/2013 13:02

YANBU. The difference between 'help' and 'interference' isn't the intention behind an action, but how much it actually assists the parent in managing the baby. Your MIL needs to put your needs first, not her desire to 'play' with the baby however she pleases.

I think I would be tempted to sit her down and very gently say 'I know you're really trying to help, and I'm very grateful for that, so I've come up with a list of things that it would be unbelievably wonderful if you could do'. And then present her with them!

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 19/12/2013 15:36

I'm sure she is trying to help but being hamfisted about it. My MIL was the same (we get on loads better these days now that we have found our places in the family) and it drove me mad back in those early days. My own mother is a controlling pain in the arse too, it isnt exclusive to MILs.

YouTheCat · 19/12/2013 15:49

Could you offer her your ds2 when he does just need a bit of a settle (like after a feed)? Make her feel useful and maybe she'll be less intrusive.

AngelaDaviesHair · 19/12/2013 16:06

She is trying to be kind, and I agree with the treating you like a daughter comment. So why not treat her like a mother, and gently put a boundary in place about coming into your room/taking the baby? She'll be a bit hurt but in the longer term your relationship will probably be better as you won't be silently resenting her.

Original poster
louloutheshamed · 19/12/2013 17:42

Yes, that's is what I should do.

I remembered something else that annoyed me! When we took ds2 to hospital I had just been swimming with ds 1 so had no make up on and hair wet. I made a comment about how frightful I looked and mil said 'yes but you're a MUM now". She makes cats bum mouth if I do anything do ridiculously selfish and indulgent as get my nails done/brush my hair and seems to think me looking shite is done kind of sacrificial badge of honour.

I really feel like since I had ds1 I have served my purpose as an incubator for her grandson and now cease to exist as a person in my own right.

But I'm probably over sensitive Grin

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