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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I? I think I might be - regarding school Xmas play.

25 replies

MyLeftElbow · 18/12/2013 17:23

Oh dear, I think I'm being incredibly UR and feel like a bit of a mean-spirited brat really - but here goes.

DS2 (7) goes to a special school, he has severe autism and is also currently going through assessment for ADHD.

Today was his school play, a letter came home about a week ago offering parents the chance to book tickets - so I booked two and arranged for a babysitter for DD (2) so that DP and me could both go.

We got there today and I was really disappointed to see that DS and about 3 other children were not in the play, but sat in the audience with their key-workers. (DS has a one-to-one key worker with him at all times)

I understand that my DS is not still for any length of time and I know that he wouldn't be able to have a speaking part in a play. He does love to sing though. I also appreciate that the logistics of having his key worker in close proximity would also pose a challenge.

I just feel so sad that he wasn't a part of it, and I feel ever so slightly put out that I wasn't told beforehand that he wasn't a part of it.

I feel bad for feeling this way because obviously the play was great, the children worked hard and you can tell they were nervous and excited. I know it's all about supporting the school as a whole - I am being unreasonable to feel like I paid Â£15 in taxi fares, to watch my son sitting excluded.

Am I being UR? I haven't said anything to the school and I don't think I would. I'm just wondering if anyone else would feel that same?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 18/12/2013 17:26

Is it possible he decided on the day he didn't want to do it?

I would question with the school why he wasn't involved at all, and why they didn't inform you if it was planned he wouldn't be.

My nephew went to a special school and every child was involved if they wanted to be, either with a role in the play or helping with the lighting - last one we went to was plunged into darkness because the pupil in charge of lights pressed the wrong button.

LindyHemming · 18/12/2013 17:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

MyLeftElbow · 18/12/2013 17:28

I would think that, however there was no mention of him in the printed cast list - even as chorus or villager with the rest of the class.

OP posts:

NotAnotherStuffedTurkey · 18/12/2013 17:31

YANBU at all.
I find it hard to believe they weren't able to be imaginative enough to find some sort of role that your son could have enjoyed being involved in. It smacks of laziness on their part and shows a complete lack of understanding of inclusivity.
I would definitely ask them why your DS wasn't included and why they not think to let you know.
I'm for you and your family.

saintlyjimjams · 18/12/2013 17:33

They should have told you. My son is severely autistic and goes to a special school, all the TA's and teachers are up I stage as well. I wasn't sure whether he was taking part this year as usually they tell me but this year hadn't so dropped a note in the book / got the reply that he was but with another class (most of his class won't take part). He's a teenager now but when he was younger he'd usually leave the hall straight after doing his part - it's gradually built up & I enjoy seeing him sitting there almost as much as seeing him do his bit.

Long winded way of saying yanbu - he should either have taken part whether he was straight on and off the stage (my son used to catch sight of me from the stage & leg it over) or you should have been told.

cricketballs · 18/12/2013 17:37

did your DS want to be in the play? He may of not wanted to join in and therefore the school were responding to his wishes. At my DS's special school there are at least 5 students in the school whom I know will not join in this type of activity, whilst my DS wants to be the star in every scene!

BoysiesBack · 18/12/2013 17:50

Tread a little carefully as it could be that your DS just didn't want to be in the play.

But, if he was excluded from it then YANBU at all. My DS1 is 11 and has severe GDD & ASD and has been at the same special school since age 3.

I have been to the Christmas concert every single year and every year all 90 pupils at the school are involved. The kids have very different needs & abilities, some non-verbal, some physically disabled and many PMLD but all get their 5 minutes of fame and it's lovely.

Your DS's school needs to try harder to be fully inclusive.

fluffyraggies · 18/12/2013 17:55

I was ready to be all eye-rolly at another nativity play thread ... but YANBU OP, how sad that they didn't find a way to include him in the play and very unprofessional to let you go to all the effort and expense of turning up on the day to find DS not in it

GodRestTEEMerryGenTEEmen · 18/12/2013 18:06

If he was excluded, YANBU. But make sure he just didn't want to be in it.

One of my son's class has one on one help and she was just up on the stage, with the child in the back of the choir, so she was close to him.

VanitasVanitatum · 18/12/2013 18:10

That's really sad, that must have been very disappointing OP. I think it's a real shame they didn't even discuss it with you, whether it was his decision or theirs. If it was their decision, that's totally UR.

VanitasVanitatum · 18/12/2013 18:11

Original poster

MyLeftElbow · 18/12/2013 18:14

I really need to ask the school don't I? If he didn't want to be in it, it would have been nice if they had let me know when I sent in the form for the tickets? This is only the second school production that they've done, in the 3 years he's been at school, and he was in the last one - so I didn't even imagine that he wouldn't be in this one.

There was a thank you printed to the parents for providing the children's costumes in the little cast list today, and I hadn't even been told that a costume would be needed. So he was either reluctant from the very start or had been excluded from the start.

OP posts:

Original poster

MyLeftElbow · 18/12/2013 18:18

Sorry, this isn't meant to be a dripfeed - I've just been reminded that at the beginning of the play, the head teacher was getting the audience to "boo" at the villain in the play (another teacher in a costume) and indicated to where DS and the others were sitting and said that they were a really good audience and that they were there to set a good example for us.
I'm not sure if this was to commiserate the children, or if that was the intention from the beginning. It came across as a bit strange.

OP posts:

ParenthoodJourney · 18/12/2013 18:21

YANBU.

I'd feel very upset if I wasn't made aware my DS wasn't in the play, whether he didn't want to take part or was excluded I'd still be upset (more so if excluded!!) You have arranged a babysitter and you and your DH both took the time to attend and were most likely excited to see him in the play and I imagine you were quite shocked to see he wasn't in the play.

I'd ask the school.
And if he had been excluded, I would complain - they shouldn't exclude any children for any reason even if his keyworker has to be beside him they should make it work so he can take part and enjoy.

Idespair · 18/12/2013 18:37

You should have been told he wasn't in it. Really bad IMO.
Slightly different, but my ds (mild autism in ms school) had teacher inches from him (but behind curtain) during school play and also item in hand to reassure. He didn't speak but he did sing and although he stuck out a bit, it was great for him. Sorry for your ds getting this sort of treatment. Another thing they ought to be able to do for a child who cannot sit still is to let them sing the opening song, then take them off so they do not need to sit still. I'm sure they could have done something to include your ds.

lottieandmia · 18/12/2013 18:41

YANBU - a special school should generally be able to find a way to include him I think. And the school should certainly be more communicative with you.

AuntieStella · 18/12/2013 18:46

Whatever the reason for him no tbeing on stage (and you do need to find out), I think the school should have told you about it well before the performance.

What s communication with them like generally?

SummerRain · 18/12/2013 18:48

That's awful.

My boys attend a ms school and are both in their plays. Ds1 is narrator despite his ASD and ADHD and ds2 is Joseph in his (his teacher gave him the part to stop him wandering off as Joseph has to sit down for the whole thing)

Their teachers picked the parts to suit their issues, my nt daughter actually chose not to be in it but she's been given the job of prompt aka remind your brother to say his lines

I'm amazed a ss wouldn't make the same effort to include children.

Original poster

MyLeftElbow · 18/12/2013 18:56

Communication is usually ok, we live quite a distance from the school (rural northumberland) so he is taken by taxi to and from school. We have daily communication via his home/school book and quarterly review meetings.

OP posts:

CwtchesAndCuddles · 18/12/2013 18:56

My son goes to a special school for children with severe learning difficulties and also multiple and profound learning difficulties - every child is included in the concert somehow. Every class takes part even if they are being pushed around in their wheelchairs and dressed up. Some of the classes are filmed before the concert and are included by the film being shown - my sons class were all filmed doing their bit and this was shown on the screen in the hall as they were doing it so that if any of the children didn't want to join in on the day they were still part of the concert.

Yanbu -I think you need to question school policy on this.

Bearbehind · 18/12/2013 18:59

I can't quite work out how you didn't know before hand, that he wasn't in the play. When you were asked by the school about booking the tickets did you not ask your son what he was doing in it?

Bearbehind · 18/12/2013 19:00

Grr- posted too early- if it is part of his condition that he wouldn't have said anything then it makes more sense.

Original poster

MyLeftElbow · 18/12/2013 19:04

DS doesn't really communicate I'm a meaningful way to be honest. I had just assumed the school play would have been like the previous one where each year group did a little skit/song. (And the children had made their own hats and crowns in class to wear) The letter about the tickets didn't mention anything otherwise.

OP posts:

WireCatGlitteryBaubles · 18/12/2013 19:05

Yanbu.
My son is autistic but in a mainstream school. He was just in the chorus. He could dress as what he wanted. He went as a shepherd.

Mind you, he hates dressing up, so well do e that teacher who got him in it!

So he could have just been there on the stage, dressed up.

The only other thing to consider is he may have pulled out himself.

Talk to the school to find out why.

Bearbehind · 18/12/2013 19:06

YANBU then, if in previous years everyone has been included it seems unfair to change things this year and not tell you in advance.

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