To have been a bit narky...

[drbonnieblossman]

At lunchtime, I arranged to meet my mum for a coffee as she’d been shopping near where I work. I sat down, said I etc etc. I noticed on the spare chair was something both me and my sister had mentioned we would quite like for Christmas – it was too big for a bag so was on show. Guessed it was for one or the other of us and so ignored in a “la la la, I can’t see it and therefore it’ll still be a surprise on Christmas Day.

She then gets on the ‘phone to a shop where she has bought a £2.00 candle and forgotten to pick it up from the counter. Twenty minutes pass as she relays the details of this bloody £2.00 candle to what seems like every member of staff. I said to her “bloody hell, I’ll give you the £2.00” but no, she wants that very candle.

She gets off the phone and says – “oh that’s for you” pointing to the item on the chair. “You may as well take it now – it’ll save me having to take it home and wrap it”.

I was a bit “really, thanks for keeping the surprise” (in my head) and said thanks but was clearly not being overly enthusiastic. Mainly because she has always made a big fuss about surprises and how as she lives in different country to her siblings, she likes a fuss made of her at Christmas. So we always have done. I suppose I just thought it showed little thought. She then got all watery eyed and said she needed to get back to the car park.
If I had done the same to her, she would have acted hurt for a week and made a deal on Christmas Day that she had no gift to open from me.

AIBU to have not gushed with thanks ?

Any chance there could be something else as a surprise?

like the £2 candle perhaps?

I'd be getting the impression that she likes to have a lot of fuss made about her but she sounds like the type that doesn't like to go to a lot of effort or that doesn't seem to realise that others like a fuss to be made of them too.

Chalk this one up to experience OP and don't dwell on it any more than you have already.

YANBU, it would've been much nicer if she'd presented it to you wrapped.
But I suppose, like many of us, she's feeling frazzled, she knows you'll like it and as she couldn't disguise it she probably thought she may as well give it to you now.
Can't you tell us what it is? I'm so nosey.

well. who knew? I popped there this evening. she screamed, shouted, told me I was nasty, ungrateful horrible to her, how she had had enough of me. I shouted back that I couldn't take any more and if she felt that way, we were done.

goes deeper than the gift on the chair.

goes back 20 years. everyone has their limits. seems we both reached ours.

So sorry dr bonnie - I had very similar with my mum last year.

thank you. i feel so much hatred for her and what she has done to me. and so damn sad and terrible for even saying that.

I had to have therapy to deal with it all - I hope you are ok

can I ask, is the therapy helping and do you manage to have any form of relationship with your mother now?

I can't see a way back. she said it all to me in front of dc, causing them distress. I need to make sure a relationship between child and grandmother is maintained but the thought of having to see her makes me feel ill.

at this moment, I feel weirdly calm , almost relieved. tgen terrified I am ruining the whole family by calling time on something I can no longer cope with.

i don't have a relationship with her - not spoken in a year. Sad but also relieved. I wish things were different, in an idealistic way, but I think she needs therapy to deal with her issues/disappointments in life before we can move forward and I can't see that happening.

Therapy helped me a lot. It helped me stop talking about it too much to my dh, and helped me see it for what it was. The best bit was we talked about the future and my relationships with my kids which was an eye opener. Hugely helpful as I was worried about patterns repeating themselves and how they must view it all.

I came out thinking 'what can I do' and what I can do is learn from mistakes and do a better job with my kids. I can't change the mind/behaviour patterns of a 60 year old.

I'd recommend therapy as otherwise your sadness/anger/grief will start to come out in other areas of your life.

Have a look at the "Stately Homes" threads on here OP. That may help.

So sorry to read your update OP.

At least you can start 2014 afresh. Wishing you a very peaceful & happy Christmas!

So sorry op. I hope the sadness fades and is replaced by a sense of relief and freedom.