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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to the teacher about this situation?

24 replies

uptheanty · 18/12/2013 11:09

My dd is aged 10 in a small school.
We have 1 class parent.
A new family arrived in September ( its expats so there is always movement), the mother is VERY involved. Far too much so, according to me, and some other mothers.
The new excited woman is immersed herself way to much in the classroom, she is not the class parent.
She attends every birthday party & makes escuses not to leave. She is very critical of my dd ( who can be quite a handful at times admittedly), and on one school trip told my dd off in front of me with teachers present. During said school trip this mother also interrupted the teacher and attempted to point out artwork details " that Mrs Smith forgot to tell you about".
Several other mums have expressed concerns that she questions the children inappropriately..ie, what does your dad do? Do you always come to school alone? Where do you live? Etc.

I suspect she is using the children and the school to garnish information about families for her own reasons.

I know i feel that her constant need to be in the class room is directly affecting my dd's experience this year as she's not very inclusive of her.

To get to my problem....

The teacher asked me if my dh would come as the class helper to a school outing. Only one parent per class. My dh has blocked a whole day in his diary and is looking forward to attending....

However new excited woman has told the teacher she "will come anyway".

My dh has asked me to get assurances from the teacher that he will be the only parent helper as required so that he doesn't end up reorganising his diary when he's not needed.

Should i address this with the teacher...AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheanty · 18/12/2013 13:23

Bump- anyone ??

OP posts:
offblackeggshell · 18/12/2013 13:28

She does seem a little odd, but I think YABU. At most, you could have a word with the teacher about this helper reprimanding your DD. Otherwise, I'm definitely more of a "many hands" view, especially if as you say some of the children (or specifically your DD) are a "bit of a handful". Surely more parents is better?

capsium · 18/12/2013 13:28

I would check with the teacher to see if he is still needed and the arrangements for the trip etc.

I would stop worrying about this mother, no doubt if she is as bad as you say the teachers will get sick of her and have to deal with it.

Original poster
uptheanty · 18/12/2013 13:31

I suspect I have elevated how irritated I am by her due to the fact I'm having a shit week ...

I think I'll hang off until next week when I may be less...irritable.... Xmas Hmm

OP posts:
kreecherlivesupstairs · 18/12/2013 13:35

YABU, although the woman does sound a bit odd.
Maybe she is trying to fit in herself by making herself super visible?

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 18/12/2013 13:38

YANBU about the specific DH/parent helper situation. If he is taking a full day off work for this it is important that things aren't suddenly changed at the last minute.

I think you sound a bit paranoid about the other mums motives, but I agree she sounds like a complete nightmare. It is not appropriate for her to question children in that way/ discipline children when their parents at are there/ correct the teacher.

Original poster
uptheanty · 18/12/2013 13:41

I do think she's trying to be involved and there's nothing wrong with that. But the children are in yr 6 now and my dd has yet to experience any outing that this parent doesn't make herself centre of.
She does not support she 100% takes over and is quite critical and very pompous.

TBH I just want to twat her everytime I see her so her judgy face at one of the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheanty · 18/12/2013 13:42

*do

I might need a time out myself Blush

OP posts:
FrysChocolateCream · 18/12/2013 13:44

I think she sounds a nightmare and think it would be perfectly reasonable to talk to the teacher about the outing. While you have your chat you may also be able to glean the teacher's views on the tricky new mother.

Original poster
uptheanty · 18/12/2013 13:50

I did mention to the teacher at the last trip about her behaviour. Teacher said, I am aware of what you are saying IYSWIM, however it would be unprofessional of me to comment further. But you are YANBU. Wink

It states very clearly on the school trip form only 1 parent helper per class. Helpful mum volunteered and teacher said no thank you we have someone in mind ( my dh whom teach approached)Helpful mum said " I'll come anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
uptheanty · 18/12/2013 13:51

Sorry..
Now DH is saying- I will go & I want to but if she's going what's the point- my role will be redundant and I'll have missed a full day of work??

OP posts:
Jinty64 · 18/12/2013 13:55

I would check if your husband is required and if he is not as the other parent is going I would tell the teacher that you are not going to send your dd as she has a difficult relationship with this "helper". Then the teacher can sort it out.

XmasBuffetTablefor4 · 18/12/2013 13:58

Well, hang on. Does DD know that your DH is meant to be going? If so, there is no way he back out. My DDs love it when we are the parent helpers and would be distraught if we had to pull out. So, his role is not redundant.

I would say that the teacher is aware of Helpful Mum and is trying to work round it. DH must go.

DuchessFanny · 18/12/2013 14:03

Sounds like the Teacher had specifically asked for your DH, so new mum can't come along and be a pita .. Speak to her ( teacher ) and explain the dilemma. Tell her he goes alone or not at all as he could be working instead and see what she says. Thing is I don't think they can stop her just turning up ...
I'm a class mum too, and I understand there can be some very full on parents, with any luck she will calm down once more settled.

Original poster
uptheanty · 18/12/2013 14:05

My dd does know DH is going.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 18/12/2013 14:06

Can the teacher not tell this Mum that she's not needed on this trip as they already have a helper, your DH, and that only one parent is allowed?

catslave · 18/12/2013 14:06

Speak to the head. I am sure he is aware of this 'helpful' lady, but you can't just have extra adults jeffing about on a trip if you have only made provision for a different amount. Tell them your dh's worries, then let him or her deal with it and tell her to back off. She can't just turn up on a trip if she feels like it! I'm a gov, and in my experience, schools will prioritise parents who can't come to everything under the sun but want to help on a single activity where they actually have the time.

WhoNickedMyName · 18/12/2013 14:08

Your DH should probably go whether this woman goes or not - given that you've said your daughter is a handful and you think this woman has it in for her.

catslave · 18/12/2013 14:11

PS inviting herself on a school trip would be like invading someone's workplace. Just because it's a school, different rules don't apply. Gently tell the head that she might need a bit of written communication re there being no space for her.

capsium · 18/12/2013 14:12

It also sounds like your DH wants you to act as go between. If he has said he will go he should, or cancel himself.

I'd offer to do the bare bones of fact finding re. trip arrangements yourself, however you should not have to relay the message' I'll only go if...' He should be prepared to explain any of that.

gimcrack · 18/12/2013 14:12

Your DH should go as otherwise your DD will be disappointed.

defineme · 18/12/2013 14:19

I would have taken her to one side and said please leave disciplining dd to me or teacher.
What do you mean she comes to every party? In the classroom or outside school? Uninvited? Or just stays at ones her kid's invited to when other parents drop and run-if so isn't she just lonely?
If everyone else can't stand her, then whether she garners information or not is irrelevant because no one will listen.
If you speak to school use factual information only and focus on yourself eg dh missing day of work, dd very keen he's coming, dh feels pushed out and superfluous if another parent there. Can we have a fair system where everyone takes turns?

Original poster
uptheanty · 18/12/2013 14:25

She turns up at parties her dd has been invited to but stays and gets involved. My dd said she's relieved when she gets a birthday invite from outside the class as she won't be there "watching".
She does turn up and regularly "pops" in to the classroom uninvited.

I must say my dd is not a handful. I just said what I said up thread to demonstrate that she is not perfect!!

OP posts:
capsium · 18/12/2013 14:29

I think you could have a word regarding the safeguarding at your school if a parent can just 'pop in' to the classroom unannounced.

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