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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if it's normal to just cut off/ignore people that don't treat you properly and focus on those that do?

48 replies

frasierfanatic · 17/12/2013 23:57

Because I've always done this, right from when I was at secondary school and it just seems normal to me. However I've read various MN threads recently where people have said they find people who cut others off weird.

I very rarely fall out with anyone, I just sort of disengage if I realise that they're not a nice person or if they do something unkind towards me. I might say a brief 'hello' if I see them, but a couple of people have pissed me off so much that I now just walk past them and totally blank them. One of these is a mum at my DCs school; her daughter was regularly unpleasant to my DD a couple of years ago, and the mum tried to turn the tables and blame my DD, and sent me several nasty texts. I decided not to even bother speaking to her anymore, and now just walk past her.

To add, I have lots of lovely friends, and am always making new acquaintances, and generally do 'get on' with people. I think I just don't/won't tolerate people acting in a shitty manner towards me.

OP posts:

farrowandbawlbauls · 18/12/2013 08:15

Yes.

Life is so much easier and I will not tollerate fools, two- faced people, users or mood hooverers. Life is too short.

I do not have many friends but I do have 3 I can turn to and another 1 who will bend over backwards for me as I will for her. I'm lucky. Very lucky to know her and can call her a friend.

quesadilla · 18/12/2013 08:37

In general I think YANBU and its actually quite a good strategy for dealing with toxic people without drama.

But I would make an exception for people you are/have been close to. In this context I think people do deserve an explanation.

GiveItYourBestStockings · 18/12/2013 08:48

Agree with Quesadilla that sometimes an explanation would help... a very longstanding friend of mine cut me off, and I genuinely have no idea why. I asked her a couple of times but she ignored me. I might have been a tit, if so it would be good to know so that I could avoid doing it again. Or it might be her. I try not to worry about it but it makes me sad at Christmas.

kiwimumof2boys · 18/12/2013 08:56

Totally agree with you OP. I know we all have good and bad days, and I have a friend who can be a little abrupt - but once you get to know her shes the funniest, caring person ever.
But, I (and all my friends and all you lot I'm sure !) have a busy life - DC, work, study etc . . . and I don't have enough time to see people I love, let alone people who I'm a little ho-hum about. I have ended friendships with a couple of people over the years pre DC due to nasty incidents. Life's too short to put up with bull$hit and since I've had DC's, my tolerance for idiots has gone way down.

Annonynon · 18/12/2013 08:59

I do it as well op, and I think it's quite healthy really

I'm bringing my dc up to realise that they don't have to tolerate people who make their lives worse or make them unhappy. As you say it doesn't need to be a big drama, just stepping away from a bad situation

ViviPru · 18/12/2013 09:02

Yep same here. I've done it all my life, at school I just Venn-diagrammed across all the staunch friendship circles and drifted in and out of all of them as and when it suited me.

I do it with family too - this is where I find that I sometimes get a bit of from MN if I relay anything about this. I don't see my brother or his family and I don't really have anything to do with my Dad's wife, and only see the PiLs when we absolutely have to.

Although the first example did involve YEARS of family-wide drama, I'm generally a drama avoider and if a person or situation becomes unpleasant, I'd rather just quietly eliminate it from my life, rather than keep picking away at it like a festering scab trying to 'make it better'

PiratePanda · 18/12/2013 09:06

There are few people in this world I actively dislike, but I do go out of my way to avoid voluntarily spending time with people who make me feel crap about myself. I'm always polite and smile, and I'd work with them if I had to, but I choose not to spend time with them IYSWIM.

cleoowen · 18/12/2013 09:09

I also try and do this but it can backfire as I find myself with not that many friends. I think I was a little too quick to disregard people when I felt they weren't treating me properly when actually perhaps they were just rubbish. But I do think it's better to have a few proper friends than loads of false ones. I think I seem to be the kind of person people think they can walk all over or who there not bothered about.

Loopylouu · 18/12/2013 09:15

I do this too.

I've cut out my half siblings totally and I don't care one bit. I've cut out a fair few so called friends in my time too. Mu only wish I could totally cut out exh but we share a ds.

Life is too short to suffer arseholes.

snowed · 18/12/2013 09:16

Cutting people off can be very hurtful if there's a misunderstanding and they don't know why you've cut them out.

jammiedonut · 18/12/2013 09:44

I cut off people who have a negative impact on my life, as I'm prone to depression and can't afford their influence to affect my mental health. If anyone has been hurt by it, or asked (either through friends or come to me direct) I've always been totally honest why. In fact, a few friends have worked their way back in because they didn't realise what they were like, and made the effort to change. One on the other hand took it upon herself to tell everyone I was 'mental' for not wanting her friendship well rid I think.

Bumblequeen · 18/12/2013 09:49

I have cut several people off in my lifetime;

I realised my friend did not care much about me and what I was going through. A very close family member died and she offered no support.

A cousin who when thinking about it has always been manipulative and spiteful. She made sly comments about me and my female friends. She always had to do/be one better and assumed all women were jealous of her. I doubted myself when around her.

Another friend played on my lack of confidence. I wad bullied at school about my appearance. She found d it difficult to accept I was no longer that awkward girl who everyone overlooked. I had a new found confidence - how dare I step out of my box?

If I see them I will say hello. I do not regret it.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 18/12/2013 09:53

Yes i do it and i am so much happier having taken control of how i allow people to treat me.

snowed · 18/12/2013 09:58

I've occasionally been blanked by people for no reason that I can think of. I've always tried to be friendly, smile and chat, and definitely haven't done anything unpleasant to them! They must have made some kind of negative assumption.

Some people don't give others the benefit of the doubt and can't imagine there's another explanation for what they've come to think. Or they just want to make you feel small, so they feel bigger.

I don't know them well enough to ask why, and IME this can make things worse, as bullies love it if you appear to be pleading with them to like you.

TheWanderingUterus · 18/12/2013 10:12

I don't blank people snowed. Neither am I a bully. I would still chat etc but you would be an acquaintance rather than a friend. I wouldn't seek you out in the playground but if you came up to me I would chat. I would deflect or excuse myself politely from any invitations etc. I wouldn't be rude, I still say hello to someone who spouted homophobic bullshit at me without realising my mother is gay, but it would be a cold day in hell before I talked about anything more than the weather with her. I don't do conflict or playground behaviour but I just simply cannot let these people get any closer to me.

I have only cut off two or three people completely. One was family and believe me, it was deserved,

snowed · 18/12/2013 10:19

Oh yes, these people will still say hello if spoken to. But given the chance they'll walk straight past without looking at you, or address everyone else except you. That sort of blanking is more subtle than totally sending people to Coventry. And when you know you've done nothing to "deserve" it, it's hurtful.

vladthedisorganised · 18/12/2013 10:23

Took me many, many years to do this, as opposed to thinking 'oh well, there must be a reason for their appalling behaviour' and letting the friendship limp along.

One friend was very toxic and spent most of her time being overtly nasty to me. Apparently I was supposed to put up with this because 'I was privileged to be the sort of person who can treat people well'.

After a year or so I figured 'sod that for a game of cards, I've got my own problems' and went pretty much NC with her. Distanced myself from the friends who felt I should be putting up with the calls at 3am telling me I was a bitch, too.

2rebecca · 18/12/2013 10:31

I don't deliberately ignore or blank people, that seems rude and nasty and unnecessary. i just don't spend time with people I dislike although with work, husband, teenagers and hobbies I don't socialise that much anyway so fitting in the people I like is difficult.
To be blanking someone involves more emotional energy than just smiling at them as you pass and I would feel I was giving them power by having a special emotional response just for them.
It's easy to just not spend time with people you dislike, why be nasty as well?

2rebecca · 18/12/2013 10:36

No-one has ever sent me nasty texts though, people I dislike don't know my mobile number and I have under 30 facebook "friends" so maybe keeping acquaintances at arms length means you don't have to defriend people. If someone had been that nasty to me I probably would ignore them, but they'd be ignoring me so i wouldn't see that as a problem.

snowed · 18/12/2013 10:46

Have any of you ever been blanked yourself? How did you feel?

Topaz25 · 18/12/2013 11:13

I wouldn't do it lightly, but I've recently cut off a former friend. We've had problems for a while. She basically didn't agree with me getting together with DH because she is friends with my ex. Fair enough she's entitled to her opinion but she turned against me and ostracised me from our social group, pressuring other people to ignore me and take sides like we were at school. I tried for a long time after that to make up and make the friendship work until I realised it really wasn't working out. She continued to play passive aggressive games. I invited her to my hen do and she RSVPed but was a no show on the night, sending a text making the point that she'd decided to spend time with my ex instead.

We just naturally haven't spoken in the past year anyway, neither of us said we weren't speaking but simply drifted apart so I thought this was a good time to cut ties and deleted her on Facebook. She got in touch to ask why I had unfriended her and invite me to a Christmas event, which just seems so fake to me, like we don't get on the rest of the year but we should pretend for Christmas! So she is acting like I am being unreasonable but I am just trying to avoid someone who made my life a misery without making a scene!

Long story short, I wouldn't cut someone off lightly but I don't think it is unreasonable not to be friends with somebody who treats you badly.
I used to be a doormat and try and make friendships work no matter what but I have realised I don't have to tolerate being treated badly.

MammaTJ · 18/12/2013 14:46

Have any of you ever been blanked yourself? How did you feel?

No, because I am a nice person!

DoJo · 18/12/2013 15:15

I've never been blanked by anyone, presumably because I have never done anything that warranted it. I have disengaged from people who I felt brought nothing but negativity to my life. The only person I have gone from being 'friends' with to completely cutting out and ignoring when I saw her was someone who put my husband's life in danger by her actions and I had no qualms about being rude to her as I was too busy trying not to smash her stupid face in.

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