AIBU to feel desperately sad my maternity leave is over?

[tonightsthekindofnight]

I go back to work in the beginning of January. I do a meaningless job that I hate but due to my bipolar disorder it is unlikely that I will ever have the graduate career I imagined. I was soooo excited for the birth of my second child in May and really wanted to enjoy my maternity leave with her. Sadly i have been very unwell and ended up in a mother and baby unit. This was tough for my eldest and my husband. As we approach Christmas and I am reflecting on the past year I feel so sad. Another opportunity in my life wasted and never to get back. I have very little memory even of my beautiful daughter as a newborn. I know many mums must dread returning to work but it feels especially bitter as i have not been able to make the most of my time off.

Do you absolutely have to go back now? Financially, I mean. Depending on childcare arrangements going back might not be that worthwhile. Or might the structure of the day help you feel more stable? Have you spoken to you GP or CPN about going on ESA (old incapacity benefit). I am on it and my team are determined that I should not go back to work while my kids are so small. You have been through so much this year that you obviously need some more home time to properly spend time with your new baby.

Like thingamajig said do you have to go back?

And don't give up on your career dreams because of being bi-polar. I am too, and if you get it under control life can be almost normal (I say almost!) Obviously I know everyone is different and it affects people differently, but it does make me sad that you think it might stop you.

Try not to think of it too negatively, you've got your babies and you will have so much time with them in the coming years. It's really really hard but things aren't always as bad as they seem

I am very lucky to have a wonderful MIL who will happily look after my daughter full time. She really is wonderful with my eldest and i wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my baby with anyone else. However the downside to this is leaving my baby with her feeds my insecurities about being good enough for my children. This is probably not the said thing on mumsnet but i know rationally that i am a good mum and do the best for my children but i feel like such a failure a lot of the time that i cant hold on to that. It is very easy to think they would be better off without me.

Financially i have to go back, we wouldn't manage without my salary. We have had many unfortunate expenses whilst i have been on mat leave broken boiler, car written off etc which has demolished our savings. Perhaps we were irresponsible in relying on my income. We worked really hard with my care team to prevent a relapse but i guess nothing could have stopped it swallowing me up as it did.

Thank you doyoulikemybaubles, I hate that I have lost my optimism but i am ten years post diagnosis and i have had to accept that it isn't to be. I have tried several times and end up in utter chaos and under section. I'm just sorry that I am wasting my talents and the good education my parents worked hard to give me. I think it would be easier to go back if i had any hope that i was doing something worthwhile.

I am sorry that you are so sad and can understand why you are feeling that way. But actually you sound like a great mum who cares very much for her children and they are lucky to have you.

My situation was nowhere near as bad as yours but I had PND after DD was born 9 months ago and like you I have very little memory of when she was tiny. It's sad and disappointing. I don't have bipolar but I am very prone to depression and I must be very careful about my stress levels. Once I reach a certain level of stress my body seems to go into crazy overdrive and for that reason I have to restrict my life in some ways.
What has helped me is accepting that I have a health problem that limits me but that's not my fault and I just need to work within those limits. You seem to blame yourself a lot for "wasting your talents," but you're not wasting them. You are not well enough to express them fully but you are in no way to blame for that. You are still very much a worthwhile person who happens to have a very very difficult illness. It's terribly sad but there's nothing to be ashamed of.

What sort of job do you do? Is there a job with similar difficulty/stress levels that you would enjoy more? Is it worth trying to work towards that kind of job?

I now work part time in a job that is very low stress but enjoyable. I used to stress that I hadn't made much of my very high level of education but now I remind myself that my health is far more important.

Do you think going back to work is going to bring another relapse.

You have an illness, that illness does not defy you as a mother.

Speak to your team that is helping you, tell them about your wishes to be in a different employment and see what help and support is out there in order for you to do it.

My dd was very sick as a baby and the tiredness brought on a kind of depression (I think) which also wiped my memory. I feel like I missed out on the newborn time because she was so sick, and then I had to go back to work soon after she was better and we would have begun having a normal mum and baby time.

I do feel for you, although my situation wasn't the same or as severe as yours.

Thank you superking and calindana, you are both very kind. I realise this is a pretty self indulgent post and aibu is probably not the place for it but I knew people would be kind to me on the mh board whereas i thought general consensus might me i need to suck it up and be grateful for two healthy children and having any kind of job to go back to.

I do an admin job for a very male dominated field in which i have little interest or understanding. My boss is ace though, really flexible and grateful of the extras i do. This follows a failed attempt at medicine and a few years teaching science.

Don't want the worry of this affecting my mood but its inevitable. I fought my doctor tooth and nail over mood stablilzers and anti psychotics so i could bf, the thought of weaning her off next month just feels so soon!

Its not self indulgent, it's good to talk about yourself and how you're feeling, don't worry OP.

I think you're doing brilliantly, don't feel like you've wasted your talents and like you've let yourself down. You sound awesome. And a very brave thing to do coming off your meds so you can breastfeed, well done.

Just take it one step at a time. And who knows what the future may hold for you. I wish you the best of luck

Are you planning on giving up bf because of going back to work? I went back when dd was 11 months and carried on bfing.

I did first thing in the morning (lovely excuse for sleepy cuddles), her bedtime and while dh was looking after her I would express just before I went to bed for afternoon snack.