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AIBU?

to wonder what's more important for dc - contact or extra-curricular activity?

236 replies

flummoxedbanana · 17/12/2013 20:56

Dc in question is 6. Her father wants one full weekend Friday from school until Sunday evening in contact per month, as well as every other Sunday and one or two midweek contacts each week. Her mother says no to the full weekend on the basis that the dc has an extra-curricular on the Saturday morning which she doesn't want to give up. Her father thinks contact, and a whole day of it uninterrupted, is more important. Her mother thinks the father should work around the child. The mother says she'll compromise by letting the father collect from school on Fridays as long as he takes dc to her activity on sat morning. The activity is just over an hour from where the father lives and involves the other children having to travel alongtoo, ttaking them up to 1pm on a sat before they're back home which the father objects to as he says it's taking up too much of their time.

Who do you think is BU?

OP posts:

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flummoxedbanana · 17/12/2013 23:25

Bake - if some are in holidays it's only 6/8 missed lessons per year.

Basgetti - I repeat. You are mistaken. This has only recently become an issue because the dc in question trialled dad taking her to activity and wasn't bothered by it so dad wants to change contact arrangement

OP posts:

zipzap · 17/12/2013 23:57

What would happen if the dad took them for the full weekend but then if the mum wanted the one dd to do the lesson, she could come and pick her up, take her to the lesson and then drop her back off again...

Not quite ideal but at least the other kids wouldn't be suffering on the saturday morning, hanging around and lots of travelling for the for the one dd.

Sure that the mum wouldn't like it though! But maybe she should have been thinking about that when she signed up the dd for time that her dad has her for.

Maybe her dad should sign her up for something every sunday near him and demand that the mum brings her when she isn't with him. Bet she wouldn't like that either.

basgetti · 18/12/2013 00:01

The Dad wasn't seeing the DCs when she signed her up for the activity. The OP is being disingenuous.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 18/12/2013 00:18

Seeing the father is more important and if he's willing to take her ttoa class cloae ti where he lives I cant see the problem

MoominsYonisAreScary · 18/12/2013 00:19

Class close to where he lives , blinking phone

BlackeyedShepherdswatchsheep · 18/12/2013 00:30

it sounds like the arrangement is not good for all the children. is the dd involved the youngest? are the others boys?

MummySantaHoHoHo · 18/12/2013 00:45

#the mother is being ridiculous, and the cost of petrol for an hours drive each way is also probhibitive

MummySantaHoHoHo · 18/12/2013 00:47

it doesnt matter what the history is - if he is having contact now - with the mothers agreement, then the suggestion is ridiculous

greenfolder · 18/12/2013 06:37

I think the child having one full weekend a month with her dad far outweighs activity. But then I let dd3 do dancing on a saturday on the explicit understanding that if we want a weekend away or a day out in the summer that takes precedence. I mean she is never going to join the royal ballet. As a parent I think I would be devastated at the thought that an actitivity was more important than seeing my child properly.

summermovedon · 18/12/2013 07:28

I believe continuity is most important for the child, so birthday parties with school friends/activities should be accommodated. Dad is still going to spend time with the child, just putting the focus on the child and their life not his. I believe the law suggests this too. Every parent makes sacrifices for their child ferrying to and from things, and it is on thrilling but it is good for the child and makes them happy, particularly in a broken home situation where continuity and stability is not evident. If he doesn't like it, contact could be arranged to fit around it, like others have posted - he could have the child every fortnight for half a day less. Where is the presumed other parent of the half siblings in all of this?

SuperiorCat · 18/12/2013 07:30

I'd say its down to the child and in this case she has shown that she didn't want to do it the time she was with her Dad.

Re the other DCs, surely mine can't be alone in often bring dragged to the others activities? It's just what happens in a family if there's only one parent around.

NicknameIncomplete · 18/12/2013 07:31

Two of my siblings used to do an activity every weekend. My db and i used to go along aswell. Thats what happens when you have more than one child. Its not a big deal.

I cant understand parents who put their needs before their childrens. I would never make my child miss an activity or a birthday party because i didnt want to go.

PrimalLass · 18/12/2013 07:32

The Dad is the OP's partner. She posted a thread about this a few weeks ago under a different name and it didn't end well. The fact is that he hadn't bothered to see his older children for a long time and so can't come in making demands to accomodate the new family he created. The other children are the OP's child and a joint one.

I agree. Either that or an identical situation...

SuperiorCat · 18/12/2013 07:36

Just to add, if child really is committed and wanted to do it then they should be allowed to. "Quality time" is about doing stuff that enriches the child's life surely?

DS' friends parents live an hour apart and he does an activity in a town in the middle of the two. Mum fetches and carries three times a week but the Dad won't do it when it's "his" Saturday as he has a new baby with his new wife. DS' friend now no longer goes to see his Dad as he feels sidelined and at 14 is old enough to make his own decisions re contact.

mummytime · 18/12/2013 08:09

I find it very sad how many children have to refuse birthday party invitations if it is on "their Dad's contact weekend". It is a fact of life when organising a party for my DC, but it does indicate that to a lot not all Dads, contact is about whats best for them not the children.

saintlyjimjams · 18/12/2013 08:23

Flummoxedbanana - my son does an activity where he is only allowed to miss two sessions in a year. If he misses more he's out. That includes all illnesses etc. Two missed Saturdays and you're out. So I don't really see it as 'only 6 or 8' sessions missed - that's a lot!

Another activity runs all year & you're allowed to miss two sessions for free - after that you pay for missed sessions. I hope your partner will be picking up the tab for missed sessions.

As I said earlier I believe you either do activities properly or you don't bother. It's not fair on the kids to keep missing weeks.

saintlyjimjams · 18/12/2013 08:26

I should add though if other posters are correct and the dad has just reappeared in this child's life, then messing around with an established activity seems rather unwise not to mention unfair. If dad has just swanned back in after years of absence then he needs to fit in with his daughters life.

flummoxedbanana · 18/12/2013 09:34

He offered that mum collect dc, take her to activity and return her but mum claimed that isn't fair on the dc shes had since they split

OP posts:

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 18/12/2013 09:43

What does the child want to do?

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 18/12/2013 09:43

at the idea tht this dad should arrange an activity on saturdays to see how the mum likes it! This 'guy cant even be arsed to take his child once a month to the activity she already goes to, he's hardly going to arrange and pay for a second activity that will mean he has to get up off his ass and do more than the bare minimum.

As for 'only missing 12 sessions'

flummoxedbanana · 18/12/2013 09:48

It's not the activity he objects to. It's the fact that it means the children probably get less than twenty full days with him in a year because term times are so taken up by activities and the fact that ferrying his dc to the activity is detrimental to the other children, as well as the most important fact - that his dd voices that she doesn't want to.go rather than spending time with him.

OP posts:

Enb76 · 18/12/2013 09:52

Contact is far more important than an extra-curricular. I have a similar arrangement and although it's more annoying for me to make sure extra-curricular stuff is during the week, I do it so that her father can have full weekends with her. There are things you can't do if you only have limited time on the full weekend, like visiting family etc…

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YoureBeingASillyBilly · 18/12/2013 10:00

According to what this dad wants the child will be unable to have activities on two midweek evenings, plus friday, saturday or sunday. So he's really limiting her choices when it comes to continuing her activity all to suit him.

Why wont he have her every other weekend? Or is one saturday a month as much as he can sacrifice for her? Or why cant he have her saturday afternoon til monday morning that way he will get a 'full' day which he seems so obsessed with.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 18/12/2013 10:06

I think if the father is prepared to enrol the child in the same activity near him so that she can attend every week then there isn't really any argument.

"She wants to be a professional" is laughable - she's 6.

Weekend activities are very tying and it sounds shite for the other kids to spend hours in the car just so one child can do a hobby.

flummoxedbanana · 18/12/2013 10:13

On the weeknights he has contact her activities start at 6/6.30 so he collects from.school at 3 and then later drops her at her activity

OP posts:

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