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AIBU?

to wonder what's more important for dc - contact or extra-curricular activity?

236 replies

flummoxedbanana · 17/12/2013 20:56

Dc in question is 6. Her father wants one full weekend Friday from school until Sunday evening in contact per month, as well as every other Sunday and one or two midweek contacts each week. Her mother says no to the full weekend on the basis that the dc has an extra-curricular on the Saturday morning which she doesn't want to give up. Her father thinks contact, and a whole day of it uninterrupted, is more important. Her mother thinks the father should work around the child. The mother says she'll compromise by letting the father collect from school on Fridays as long as he takes dc to her activity on sat morning. The activity is just over an hour from where the father lives and involves the other children having to travel alongtoo, ttaking them up to 1pm on a sat before they're back home which the father objects to as he says it's taking up too much of their time.

Who do you think is BU?

OP posts:

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RenterNomad · 17/12/2013 22:32

Oh, cross- posted. So it's the mother insisting on the activity. I don't really understand her motivation, TBH. Is she happy separating her DD from her siblings in some way, or from her father? Or is that just thinking the worst of her? Evrn if it's not intentional, that dort of alienation (from siblings/ father) could happen.

jigsawlady · 17/12/2013 22:33

Forget about what the parents want, they should be doing whats best for all of the kids. Not just this one dd who has the sat morninf activity.

I would have hugely resented my parents if I had to waste a large portion on the weekend traipsing round after my brother while he did activities.

Dad should decide whats best for the family to do as a whole on his time with them.

If this kid does 5 other activities in the week its not such a hardshio to cut down on this once a month.

Chocovore · 17/12/2013 22:35

Dad should enrol child into a regular activity near his abode and tell mum she has to stick to the regular activity he has booked when she has care. I wonder how that would go down?

Xmasbaby11 · 17/12/2013 22:38

I think contact is more important and that is a long time for other children to be sitting around - not really fair on them.

flummoxedbanana · 17/12/2013 22:40

Buy chestnuts, on weekend they trialled him taking her she said she wasn't bothered and then ended up resenting him for taking her! Jigsaw, I agree it should be the parent whose time it is that decides what's best for all children and deals with any subsequent fallout.

OP posts:

basgetti · 17/12/2013 22:40

Why do all the other children have to go? Are they all children of his ex or are some of them with his new partner in which case why would they need to be dragged along?

flummoxedbanana · 17/12/2013 22:46

All children are with his ex. He has no one else to care for them.

OP posts:

flummoxedbanana · 17/12/2013 22:47

He also has one child with his new partner who would have to be dragged along as his partner often works the weekends he's off

OP posts:

haveyourselfashandy · 17/12/2013 22:48

I think its reasonable for him NOT to take her.If he has to trail the other kids to this activity its not fair.why shouldn't he get to do what he chooses with his children.It's all well and good the mum saying he has to take her but she doesn't even take her ffs.

saintlyjimjams · 17/12/2013 22:50

Depends on the activity. But I think most activities should be either done or not done, not have the child miss out on loads of classes.

Ideally contact would be structured around the activity - so that the other kids didn't have to tag along as well.

Not surprised to find myself agreeing with chesnuts.

BakeOLiteGirl · 17/12/2013 22:51

I don't get the drama. The child has an activity that takes place every weekend that she goes to every weekend. Dad has to make it work. If doesn't matter what other activities the child does the rest of the week. Plenty of families don't get a fun activity Saturday and chill out Sunday. Except in little utopian fantasies.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/12/2013 22:54

Hmm. My ds had to give up football because his dad wasnt taking him to the saturday morning training sessions (even though he agreed to) missing training meant tht ds was never chosen for the matches and missed a lot of the information letters that had changes to training times for following weeks and match times and locations etc. it mightnt seem thay important and i am under no illusions that ds is an undiscovered ronaldo but for him playing a match and getting to be in the pics with his team was the holy grail and he got so upset each time he missed a session or a match that for his own emotional well being i decided he should leave the team altogether. He does miss it but knows his dad just wouldnt take him even if promised. I didnt much enjoy spending saturdays standing out in the cold watching 6 year olds trying to kick a ball but its what ds wanted to do and i dont think it was an unreasonable or impractical hobby for a child so i would expect a parent to accomodate it.

WilsonFrickett · 17/12/2013 22:56

I think the fact three other siblings also have a quarter of their contact time taken up with facilitating the one DD's activity is a bit off actually. What if a other child wanted to do an other activity at the same time? This isn't about the father necessarily, it's about the whole family. Can't dd drop one of her 5 (5!) other activities and do her Saturday activity at another time? It doesn't seem fair on her siblings that her activity dominates the weekend.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 17/12/2013 22:57

Although if the child has said she would prefer not to go then she should be listened to.

flummoxedbanana · 17/12/2013 22:59

She's only missing a maximum of 12 classes per year though, it's not the same as if he was having eow contact. He said he will do his best to ensure his weekends are mostly in holidays when activity isn't on but dcs mother says she must not miss any.

OP posts:

flummoxedbanana · 17/12/2013 23:00

No, none of the other activities can be substituted either apparently

OP posts:

NaturalBaby · 17/12/2013 23:04

The child is 6. What kind of extra curricular activity at this age is that important?!? Doesn't she ever miss a session due to illness?
If the child is a gifted and talented world champion in the making then that's one thing but I avoid all weekend extra curricular activities because of the impact it has on the rest of the family, particularly the other dc's.

worridmum · 17/12/2013 23:04

so the one activity for the 1 six year old takes prioty to 3 other older children I can certernly see resentment building up with family dynamics.

It happened in our family me and my 2 brothers had to go to an actitivy and just watch our younger sister dance around for 2 hours because it wasnt an activity you could drop off and leave and dad worked weekends let me just say she was greatly resented as it basically ruined our weekends for her. Their has to be negoatition on what suits the whole family not just 1 of them and the rest should fit in around it

BakeOLiteGirl · 17/12/2013 23:04

12 classes a year equals a term.

basgetti · 17/12/2013 23:05

Has she been doing the activity a long time? Why has it suddenly become an issue?

breatheslowly · 17/12/2013 23:06

I think that the activities need to go into priority order and if this is the most important one then a different slot should be found for it during the week and another one dropped.

Your friend sounds like she is being intentionally difficult. Is she normally like that?

breatheslowly · 17/12/2013 23:07

And I don't think you can really base much on a 6 year old saying that she wants to do something professionally. Otherwise we would be a nation of ballerinas and train drivers.

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WilsonFrickett · 17/12/2013 23:09

I agree worrid I only have one DC but my friends with more than two (cos with two it does usually even out) tend to not allow regular weekend activities. Because either the other DCs resent it, or the family ends up splitting into various taxi services, etc etc. Just doesn't work.

jacks365 · 17/12/2013 23:12

I've just done a quick work out and if he can ensure that any weekends are in a holiday where possible then that only leaves 3 sessions a year where there is an issue. In which case it does sound like being awkward for the sake of being awkward for both parents.

basgetti · 17/12/2013 23:20

The Dad is the OP's partner. She posted a thread about this a few weeks ago under a different name and it didn't end well. The fact is that he hadn't bothered to see his older children for a long time and so can't come in making demands to accomodate the new family he created. The other children are the OP's child and a joint one.

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