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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Parents alone at Christmas

39 replies

Poodles1980 · 17/12/2013 10:35

Firstly - new member so please be gentle!
My mum and dad are going to be alone this Christmas for the first time ever. My bro and sis are abroad. It's our turn to go the the pil even though they have a full house. My mum nearly died from a sudden illness earlier this year and it's a bit of a miracle she is still here.

I hate my pils, I can't even hide the fact that I can't stand them, she is a self obsessed psycho nutter with a tendency towards crazy made up fits of illness. AIBU to expect that they might lets us off the hook so we can go to my mum and dads?
We can't do both houses on the day and she won't come to ours because she is so fussy
I'm wracked with guilt about my parents and filled with crazy rage for the in laws aaaaagggghhhh

OP posts:

throwingstones · 17/12/2013 10:38

Let you off the hook? It's not mandatory you go there, apparently you don't like each other anyway so who exactly loses out here? What does your OH think?

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/12/2013 10:40

Why don't you go to your parents and your dh go to his

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 10:40

Dampen the RAGE. I have a raging dislike for my PiLs too but I won't allow it to cloud my judgement or fair, reasonable handling of situations.

What's you DH?P's view?

AIBU to expect that they might lets us off the hook so we can go to my mum and dads?

If you approach it as a necessary and sensible alternative plan based on the years' events rather than a welcome respite from enduring the Horror-Pils, then you might achieve your desired outcome....

CiderwithBuda · 17/12/2013 10:40

Just say my parents will be on their own and mum hasn't been well so we will go to them, I'm sure you understand. I assume your DH will be on your side?

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 10:42

If you and your husband don't go to the PIL's house will they then be on their own?

Couldn't you host Christmas dinner and invite both sets of parents??

KellyEllyMincePieBelly · 17/12/2013 10:43

If your mum nearly died this year it's not really about 'turns'. You should go to your mums. If your OH doesn't agree then go alone and let him go to his mothers. Seems like your mum should be the priority this year.

MrsMoon76 · 17/12/2013 10:43

Or you go to yours and he goes to his? DH and I have never actually spent Christmas together because neither of us can stand the idea of our parents being alone (my brothers are abroad and his are arseholes). Works for us.

MrsLouisTheroux · 17/12/2013 10:44

What does your DH say?

KellyEllyMincePieBelly · 17/12/2013 10:44

Writerwannabe83 It says in the OP PIL have a full house.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/12/2013 10:44

The PILs have a full house.

As your mum has been so poorly I would go there, and if your DH doesn't like it then he can go to his parents.

Agree with Kelly your mum is totally the priority this year.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/12/2013 10:44

If your in laws are expecting you I think you should go. It's a bit mean to back out of a Christmas invitation a week before.

Your mum and dad might well enjoy a nice quiet Christmas day together and then like to see you on Boxing Day or something.

bishboschone · 17/12/2013 10:44

I would say just say you are going to your parents . My dad was poorly in hospital last Xmas and died in June . We would have loved to have spent his last Xmas with him at his beloved house .. Life is too short to worry about your parents in law .

SettingPlaster · 17/12/2013 10:46

There's no 'hook', Poodles. Going to parents and PiL year on year off is a purely voluntary arrangement, not a legal or moral compulsion. Either go to your parents, or invite them to yours.

HaveAFestiveLittleChristmas · 17/12/2013 10:47

However much you have a problem with your IL's, they are your DH parents and (as you haven't mentioned otherwise) I assume he will feel as duty-bound and caring towards them, as you do to your parents.
At this stage, they will have shopped, prepared and possibly been planning for some time.Changing plans would now be an awful thing to do.

It is sad for you that you won't be with your own parents for Christmas, but most people have to adjust to sharing family Christmases - or doing it themselves - or just not seeing anyone.
Despite the fact that your Mum was ill (and I am not minimising that in any way) she is recovered and will be looking forward to the day that she does see you.

Normally everyone comes to me, but I had one year immediately post divorce when I was on my own for Christmas Day. I just moved the whole concept (in my head) and celebrated on the Boxing Day when everyone came to me. It became my "Christmas"
I am absolutely sure that your parents will do something similar.

You need to let that work for you too.....and try to be the most cheerful person around, at your IL's. Its polite.

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 10:47

Thanks kelly - stupid moment alert!!

In that case OP I would definitely go to your own parents. I'm sure your husband would understand given the circumstances.

friday16 · 17/12/2013 10:47

Firstly, "turns" is for small children playing with toys. Go where you think best. Being an adult involves making decisions. Your in-laws have a full house. Go to your parents.

Secondly, on the other hand, "she won't come to ours because she is so fussy" is her problem, not yours. If she wants to be in her own house so badly that she'd rather be alone, then that's up to her. You could invite her, and then stay at home.

Decide what you want to do, and do it. Let other people be irrational.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 17/12/2013 10:48

There are no "turns". What happens is you and dh sit down and look at all the places where you'd be welcome for Christmas, including your own home, and decide where you'd like to be for Christmas. Then you do that. You tell the people you won't be visiting, politely, and they politely express their disappointment ...

Could you invite both sets of parents to your house? And then the ILs can choose not to come, and that will be their choice.

(but your mum and dad won't be alone for Christmas, there are two of them)

struggling100 · 17/12/2013 10:49

Definitely go to your parents. But perhaps offer the PILs some kind of alternative date so you still see them?

RodneyTheChristmasElf · 17/12/2013 11:00

I hate the whole 'turns' thing at Christmas. Christmas should be about being with the people you want to be with, simple as. Go be with your parents.

Original poster

Poodles1980 · 17/12/2013 11:06

Thanks guys, maybe I should just get some tranquillisers and suck it up. Christmas in my family home is a laid back affair with copious amounts of food,drink and fun. Christmas with the in laws is alcohol free, one small meal and the risk of hypothermia from the refusal to put the heat on!

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 17/12/2013 11:07

Sounds great fun, lol

ViviPru · 17/12/2013 11:10

maybe I should just get some tranquillisers and suck it up.

I'm confused. The vast majority of posts agree you ought to see your parents yet you draw this conclusion

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2013 11:12

What does your husband think?

friday16 · 17/12/2013 11:14

Christmas with the in laws is alcohol free, one small meal and the risk of hypothermia from the refusal to put the heat on!

So why do you go there?

cozietoesie · 17/12/2013 11:15

For Goodness Sake, go to your parents and break this compulsion. But tell everybody quickly in case they've (for once) semi-ordered a fatted calf.

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