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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that getting more affection from your child than DH is not healthy?

22 replies

HuntingforBunting · 16/12/2013 21:39

I am feeling rather sad about this, so please do go gently with me.

My DH suffers from some kind of depression, I think, and especially so in the winter months. He withdraws completely from me, finds it had to have a conversation, would go without seeing anyone if he didnt have to, etc etc. He is extremely sensitive during these times and will interpret any request for help i.e. cleaning the kitchen etc as a very distressing thing, and become quite agitated.

Things are extraordinarily cold between us during these times. I am so very lonely and frankly, long for intimacy both emotional and physical. I have learnt it is better to retreat entirely rather than ask for any phsycial or emotional intimacy as he becomes very upset that I am demanding things he cannot (or will not) give.

I find that my DS, aged 3 and a half gives me more physical affection than my partner. When he hugs me I am liable to well up at times (espeically bed time) as I feel so starved of physical contact.

Surely this is not right? What can I do?

OP posts:
Salmotrutta · 16/12/2013 21:42

Could your husband have Seasonal Affected Disorder?

Has he been to the GP?

Mim78 · 16/12/2013 21:44

I think he needs to go to the GP too.

Can you explain to him during a time when he is not quite so depressed how it is affecting you, and that you can't carry on how things are? If you try to discuss this during a time when he is feeling OK hopefully he will be more responsive/understanding.

DoYouLikeMyBaubles · 16/12/2013 21:45

God, I'm just like your DH.

Sorry I haven't got any advice, your OP has just struck me that I need to go and talk to DP.

Sorry you're in this situation Thanks

ChrisMooseMickey · 16/12/2013 21:45

Sounds alot like SAD to me. I'm assuming a suggestion to go to the GP will go down like a lead fart, could you print off some information about it and surreptiously lay it somewhere he is likely to see it?

What is your relationship like in the summer?

Un-mumsnetty hugs for you love- depression sucks.

ChrisMooseMickey · 16/12/2013 21:47

Seasonal Affective Disorder

Original poster
HuntingforBunting · 16/12/2013 21:49

Thank you for replies.

Absolutely will not see the GP. Thank you for leaflet suggestion, I wll do that and look into it. Very possible. Not sure what can be done about it though.

And thank you for the hug. I do feel less alone, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuntingforBunting · 16/12/2013 21:50

From March we have a much better relationship and in general I am very happy. It deteriorates from early December as he becomes more withdrawn.

OP posts:
whois · 16/12/2013 22:03

The refusal to go and see his GP would be a deal breaker for me. Hard enough to deal with someone with depression let alone if they won't do anything about it.

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 16/12/2013 22:07

How selfish of him not to see a GP or look fir help.

Basically his needs are more important than yours?

Think about this....

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/12/2013 22:11

Not seeing the GP is unacceptable. Anyone can become depressed but refusing to seek help is basically telling the rest of the family to lump it.... and that's simply selfish. You may be holding back thinking poor dear, it's an illness... but your family's happiness should not be held to ransom by one member's undiagnosed and untreated problems.

Mabelface · 16/12/2013 22:20

My son suffers from SAD and I've recently bought him a light box which seems to be helping him massively.

Rosencrantz · 16/12/2013 22:20

Seriously, get a SAD light. Made the world of difference to me.

PeriodFeatures · 16/12/2013 23:20

Exercise. Preferably outside in daylight. I feel for you i really do. You need a plan for next year. My DH has seen the light (box) and has prozac from Nov until April and has brought a road bike this year.

If he hadn't done so me and DD would be leaving. I can deal with his depression if he is dealing with it. When he is not he is a miserable, irritable, withdrawn, negative, irrational, bastard. I cannot live with that day after day for 5 months of the year.

When he is deep in it he is in total denial that he is depressed, it is always something wrong because of his work, me, IL's, where we live.

All the best OP, i ope you have got some coping strategies and I hope he can get help soon.

Have you asked him why he is refusing to go to the GP?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 16/12/2013 23:23

What is his relationship like with his child during these periods? You are allowed to put up with anything on your own behalf but if he is emotionally absent with his child, that is another matter.

Original poster
HuntingforBunting · 17/12/2013 05:53

Gosh thank you. Period, that is exactly what I am dealing with, year after year. Very wearing.

OP posts:
DziezkoDisco · 17/12/2013 07:50

But don't be too hard on him, depression is horrible and one of the main symptoms is lack of motivation to do anything to make it better.

He needs to go to the GP but he isn't a bastard flr not going til now, he may just not have recognised that he's ill or that it issomething th GP can help with.

mummymeister · 17/12/2013 08:09

now is not the time to try and have a rational conversation with him is it. so get all the info together as suggested by others on this thread. go and see your GP and talk to him/her about it. basically gather everything together to form a cogent and well reasoned argument. then on a sunny day in June, sit down with him and go through it. have real examples of what happens to hand so he cant deny that he is this bad as in "do you remember in December when..." Monty Don suffers with this. find an article he has written. basically present your DH with all the "evidence" that the way he behaves in the winter is not normal and he needs help. leave it with him. if after a couple of weeks he wont agree to seek help then sorry but he is being selfish. you have to decide whether or not he will ever change (sorry, it is unlikely he will if he wont try) and if he wont then can you really put up with this for the next 30+ years. Have a plan and start on it now. it will make you feel more positive.

NearTheWindmill · 17/12/2013 08:12

What does his mum say. Is this a new thing? SAD, Doctor, now might not be the time to reason with him. It might be best to get a SAD lamp for now and encourage him to see the doctor in the summer when he is feeling better and stronger to head it off for next year.

Pretty miserable for you though.

gnittinggnome · 17/12/2013 08:24

My sister's partner is, we think, similarly afflicted, and has so far refused to speak to his GP about it. One thing that did help him see what was happening was asking him outright when the last time he felt happy and relaxed was. This was able to get him to think about how he was feeling in a non-judgy way and to consider for himself if something was wrong.

If your DH is refusing to deal with/recognise it, you may want to try asking the same question and be there with information and your GP's number for when he realises that being miserable for months on end is not right.

Good luck.

Original poster
HuntingforBunting · 17/12/2013 10:45

Thank you for replies. It is very helpful and I do feel less alone. I will take posters advice and for the time being hold tight until he seems better and more able to talk. Thanks again.

OP posts:
Rufustherednosedreindeer · 17/12/2013 10:58

Would echo the light box comments. Don't use it myself but I have heard great things about it

I'm sorry you are going through this Thanks

gamerchick · 17/12/2013 11:02

I definitely recommend the light box. I love mine it really makes a difference.

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