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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to take my son to the police station for stealing from me

96 replies

Stealingson · 16/12/2013 19:18

I really don't know what to do. In lots of ways my son is amazing - sweet and kind and works hard at school. He has lots of friends and a full, active life. He is 11 and in yr6.
Recently he and my older son saved up for a gaming computer which we built from scratch with them. They are into Minecraft and other games like many boys their age. All of his friends are heavily into gaming too. A month or so ago he asked if he could buy a game online which cost £12 (payment goes through paypal). I said he couldn't spend that much as he needs to save his money for Christmas presents etc. We agreed he could spend £6 on another game that he wanted and no more. I had to go out then so I told my partner to put my paypal password in for him when he was ready and that no more than £6 was to be spent. While I was out a paypal notification flashed up on my phone that £12 had been spent. When I got home I queried with my partner about the amount and he said that my son hadn't asked him to put the password in. So after much interrogation it transpired that my son and managed to memorise my password and had just bought the £12 game thinking I wouldn't notice. I was utterly furious and he was immediately grounded and banned completely from the computer for 2 weeks. He seemed suitably sorry and promised to never do it again.

Fast forward to this evening. I couldn't find my phone anywhere. I turned the house upside down looking for the damn thing. Son is on the computer this whole time. The only place I hadn't been was my bedroom so I didn't bother look there. I actually thought someone must have come into the house and stolen the phone. Anyway dp eventually hands me the phone and says it was next to my bed the whole time. I swear I hadn't been in my room - weird! I check the phone and there is a paypal notification that £12 has been spent on a gaming site. He admitted he'd bought a game. I'm gobsmacked. On top of this he had moved my phone to my bedroom thinking I wouldn't see the paypal notification.

He won't talk to me now. I have told him how serious this is. What should I do. I want to march him to the police station and have them give him a telling off. I'm scared this may escalate to bigger things as he gets older. He seems to think he is entitled to steal. I don't know what I've done wrong. I know part of the problem is his obsession with the computer - we really limit the time he spends on it and try to keep things balanced. About 3 years ago our nanny caught him stealing a sweet in a shop. I think he has a problem.

OP posts:

gordonpym · 16/12/2013 21:05

Don't go to the police. You can sort this out with far more consequences.
The first time, computer was taken away for 2 weeks. This time, take it away for 2 months and warn him if it ever happens again, you will sell his computer (or give it to a charity/school whatever).

WhatEverZen · 16/12/2013 21:06

There's no guarantee that police wont charge (although I think that is unlikely) but they could take your son through the 'out of court disposal' route, which could end up with your son still getting an formal police record. That could affect his employment choices when hes older. Why risk it for something of this nature?

Different police forces have different approaches to this. Some will be happy to do a 'telling off', others wont. Ive seen it happen. Far better, you remaining in control of how you deal with this

HoneyStepMummy · 16/12/2013 21:07

There's already lots of really good advice here, but let me reassure you that what he did is very common in that age group even amongst really good kids.

You should absolutely tell him off and punish him, but please do not waste the police' time with this.

Original poster

Stealingson · 16/12/2013 21:11

Thanks all, I won't be going to the police.
Gluezilla I am amazed at how nasty your last sentence was, and you couldn't be more wrong.
To everyone else, thanks ever so much.

OP posts:

ReallyTired · 16/12/2013 21:12

Please don't involve the police as it could totally ruin your child's life. However I can understand that you feel very angry.

There is a chance that your son might end up with a caution for stealing. That bollocking from the "nice policeman" could come up as a caution for fraud if he applies for an enchanced CRB in twenty years time.

If you are worried that your son might get into crime then prehaps a parenting course would help. In some parts of the country parenting courses are available for pre teens. This charity family lives run parenting courses around the country.

In fact I suspect that if you wasted police time taking an eleven year old to the station that the police might order you to take a parenting course.

kali110 · 16/12/2013 21:16

Op its clear you love your children that was just a nasty pist.

Plus im sure sky's kids love their parent, i thought the advice was good, just bit stricter than others. Nothing wrong with that!

kali110 · 16/12/2013 21:16

Post*

tinkertaylor1 · 16/12/2013 21:23

FGS! some ridiculous posts on here!

waltermittymissus · 16/12/2013 21:24

FFS now she doesn't love her son?

Jesus wept!

Stealing harsh consequences, a stern "I'm disappointed in you" talking to and a few weeks worth of hard labour should set him to rights.

BoffinMum · 16/12/2013 21:30

Actually, this is very common. I don't think it's a police matter. Just tell him off, make him do some jobs or something, and stress your disappointment whenever you feel you can get some leverage.

formerbabe · 16/12/2013 21:31

Don't take him to the police. I have heard many stories of people getting criminal records for minor things in their teens and it affects job prospects/travelling/visas etc in later life.

stubbs0412 · 16/12/2013 21:34

Unless I'm a really bad person, I think nearly all children at some point steal something so I wouldn't be calling the police, even as a scare tactic. I'd unplug the games console and tell my son it's not coming back anytime soon. You have to make a stand otherwise in the future your children will weigh up if your punishments are worth the risk of being caught....

NearTheWindmill · 16/12/2013 21:44

You could always disable the internet gateway on his computer .

I don't think it's that unusual, you just need to have firm boundaries and change your passwords. A computer ban for two weeks will probably suffice

FWIW DS once bough £25 worth of Warhammer using his father's credit card. He wriggled out of a hugely massive telling off by persuading his father that actually he had saved a three day argument over something his father would cave over within three days. It helped his parents' stress levels evidently. I think he was about 10/11.

His father ended up being proud of him and declared he would be a silk before he was 40 .

As long as you make sure he knows it's wrong, I think it's fine. It's not like he's racked up an internet bill of £400-£500. A ruck like this over six quid - really - boundaries yes, police no.

BoffinMum · 16/12/2013 21:54

DS1 did this twice and we were very cross, but funnily enough he can also be very honest. You have to remember they don't see this as stealing, more dipping into the housekeeping. And they don't always see nicking sweets as stealing either, more appropriating something nice. This does not mean they will be nicking cars and drug stashes by the age of 16, really it doesn't. Just tell him off, make him feel guilty, and one day your voice in his head will stop him doing it again.

pixiepotter · 16/12/2013 22:02

I am a bit confused by this business of him nor being allowed to spend his money how he wants (as long as it's not drugs and alcohol obviously) I think it's not on to be dictating how much he has to spend on xmas presents .In a warped kind of way you could kind of equate you deciding he has to spend £x of his money on xmas presents with him deciding you have to spend £x of your money on computer games.

IamGluezilla · 16/12/2013 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lessonsintightropes · 16/12/2013 22:14

I think most of the posters on this thread have made very supportive and constructive statements - but attacking the OP Gluezilla and telling her she doesn't love her child sounds a wee bit overboard - surely the DS in question needs to have some firm and clear boundaries set and maintained? I think kids feel more loved and safe when they kow what the rules are and what the consequences are for breaking them. OP has clearly said she isn't going to take it to the police or to take away Christmas presents.

IamGluezilla · 16/12/2013 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Letitsnow9 · 17/12/2013 00:50

I would make him pay the £24 back in 'real' money so he has to hand over coins and cash to drive home that paypal is the same as 'real' money

AmberLeaf · 17/12/2013 01:13

I was going to say similar to pixiepotter.

sykadelic15 · 17/12/2013 01:56

@bigtimerush - As I said, harsh, but they'd never do it again. Actually, if you knew my husband it wouldn't even happen a second time... if it happened the first time. He takes no prisoners... I'm the nice one :P

sykadelic15 · 17/12/2013 02:08

@Gluezilla - you're supposed to be parents, not friends. Being angry with your child doesn't mean you don't love them, and I would certainly hope they realise that love doesn't mean being happy with them 24/7. Of course you don't just yell and threaten. You explain how you feel, why you feel that way, talk to them about what they did, the consequences of those actions, etc etc.

For me it's not the theft, it's the deception. The hiding of the phone and the fact he didn't learn the first time even seeing how it upset you that first time.

NigellasDealer · 17/12/2013 02:22

....In fact I suspect that if you wasted police time taking an eleven year old to the station that the police might order you to take a parenting course
yes and you will be flagged up to the "public protection officer" who works with SS.
just saying.

MiniMonty · 17/12/2013 03:40

pinching a sweet is no big thing - forget that - it's nothing.
using your account at his age to buy games is a different story because he does know the difference between right and wrong (and is over the age of criminal responsibility in England) so contrary to what other posters might pretend to know about, the truth is that the Police WILL turn up, they WILL take an interest and they WILL deliver him a serious talking to (at least). Theft is a serious business.
Get on top of this double fast - get a conversation going spending other people's money, about trust and about being honest (and the obvious SERIOUS consequences of getting that wrong).

Presumably the boy does chores and earns pocket money in return - if this is not true then make it true VERY QUICKLY.

KNOW THIS AS AN ABSOLUTE: Kids can only learn the value of anything if they have to earn something. If it's all on a plate they can only learn to take and take. YOU are the parent, you much teach them how to live in the world.

Enough said I think.

Otherwise I may rant... : )

KepekCrumbs · 17/12/2013 06:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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