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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I feel like my in laws hate me, what to do?

26 replies

HowlingTrap · 16/12/2013 15:37

for about a year or so my DN has been given a lot more attention and time then our DC, My DP often pointed it put much to the PIL denial but things came to a head a bit back and things have been,....frosty since.
My PIL went and moved literally next to DN's parents who use MIL as a weekend nanny, friday through monday and never come to visit our DC, her grandchildren anymore.
Well,..they get birthday presents/xmas etc but other than that nope nothing, don't visit them etc.
It makes me very angry on my DC's behalf, it creeps up on me every now and again, I feel so angry, sad, and powerles my kids deserve better grandparents I feel very guilty about it , I feel aswell that I am suddenly very unpopular within the family.
For instance I forgot my MIL's birthday, when I found out I text to apologise and gave her a card the following week. Every year I got a birthday card until this year not a card, text zilch. coincidence I think not, I get angry at what I consider spite tbh.
My heart just wants to scream and shout and rant all my anger at this woman who has not bothered with her oldest GC in months. But knows logically that will just make things worse and me more hated pfft ,
families who'd have them.
AIBU to feel upset about this?

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/12/2013 15:41

She could be worse and be round all the time telling you what to do and what not to do. It's her loss to be honest.

thebody · 16/12/2013 15:42

perhaps the text saying you had forgotten her birthday and then the follow up card a WEEK later pissed her off.

do you invite her to dinner?

can't understand why any parent would use grandparents to babysit every weekend to be honest, I sure ain't doing that for my kids, me and dh will be off to Spain causing havoc with the saga bunch.

HansieMom · 16/12/2013 15:42

Make it your DP's responsibility to get a card for his DM. Just for a starter!

Do you have parents nearby?

From reading other posts, things could be much worse. Since they are not nice people, distancing from them is a blessing.

redskyatnight · 16/12/2013 15:42

How old are your DC?
Have you asked your in-laws to visit (maybe they don't like to)?
Why don't you visit them?
Have you tried to keep them in-touch and they rejected the contact, or are you expecting them to do all the running?
And where is your DP in all this if they are his parents?

Re the birthday card, your MIL could equally take you not sending her a card as spite, I think you are reading too much into it.

DeepThought · 16/12/2013 15:45

why are you doing birthdays for inlaws? DH to shoulder them in future.

Perhaps they feel that DNs parents need more support, younger children and all that

What does your husband think?

Original poster

HowlingTrap · 16/12/2013 15:50

well I got told I had forgotten I txt them apologizing asap, and the popped in like 2 days later and I had gotten her a belated card, I dunno how much more apologizing she wants?
my dc are 4 and 1 ,

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/12/2013 15:53

Howling - YOU didn't forget, your husband did. Remembering inlaws birthdays isn't your job, it's his.

thebody · 16/12/2013 15:54

mmmn agree partner should do the card/present thing for his parents but is this another mumsnet thing.( see other thread)

in RL I honestly don't know another woman who doesn't do the card/birthday thing for their dhs parents.

do you invite them round?

Original poster

HowlingTrap · 16/12/2013 15:58

I don't really mind tbh doing cards etc, erm no I don't

She's spotlessly clean and mine is always a bear pit with 2 little ones makes me feel embarrassed lol, theres a history of just turning up without ringing which can be annoying.

OP posts:

mercibucket · 16/12/2013 16:09

I might pay less attention to my son if he couldn't be bothered with my birthday and expected his wife to get me a card etc
well maybe not, but is it just that mil is closer to her other son? daughter? ( I am really thinking it is her daughter but just checking)
yes she should make an effort with all gkids but equally your dh should make an effort with her

NewtRipley · 16/12/2013 16:13

YANBU to be upset.

If sending a belated card is enough to get someone's knickers in a twist then I'd think they are Hard Work, and therefore make me a bit wary of taking any blame for any of their reactions to things.

Original poster

HowlingTrap · 16/12/2013 16:14

son, hmmm like I said thigs were frosty before that,

I just feel for my big boy, he doesn't even ask for then anymore and used to be very found, speaks volumes doesn't it

OP posts:

Original poster

HowlingTrap · 16/12/2013 16:15

just a lot of un-addressed bad feeling I hate it

OP posts:

Pinholes · 16/12/2013 16:56

DH's mother doesn't bother with his/our children either so I can't understand the frustration you feel. She is all for SILs children, they're the exact same ages so its not even an age thing. I won't list all of the ways in which she's been a crap grandmother but stand out moments include DD being ill in hospital on monitors and oxygen, etc at just 8wks old and MIL didn't visit or even phone or text to ask how she was doing yet SIL gave birth at the same time, same hospital, just two wards away and MIL was there visiting daily - didn't have the time to pop around the corner to see DD though. We stopped going to her house when she and BIL 'joked' about my then 3yo DS "quick, here he comes, hide the toys!" - the toys are for her other grandchildren and DS was not to touch them, she also made a snack and drink for her other GS and didn't even offer DS one. She threatened to have me jumped when I was pregnant because my brother took DS out and she thought it was unfair (this is how weird she is, she hadn't even asked to take DS out yet got angry that someone else did), then when I miscarried a few days later she acted like it was her tragedy, not mine. She got other GS an electric sit-in car for his birthday. DS got £5 in a card delivered by her boyfriend at DS's bedtime. On DD's birthday (just a fortnight later) she appeared at the door with a Vtech tablet and called DH and I spiteful and ungrateful when we told her we wouldn't accept it as it was unfair. She hasn't seen the DC since August despite us living around the corner, rejects contact and doesn't attempt to make contact for herself yet will moan to everyone who will listen about what an evil bitch I am who stole her son away from her and won't let her see her "gawjus" grandchildren.

You're better off without some people. You wouldn't tolerate it from a friend so why does the label 'family' provide them with a license for shitty behaviour? If I was you I'd be distancing myself from her, just quietly withdraw, and leave all future contact in the hands of your DP/DH.

Pinholes · 16/12/2013 16:57

*can't understand at the start of my post = CAN understand (stupid phone keypad)

Original poster

HowlingTrap · 16/12/2013 21:23

Wow, Pinholes you've had a dreadful time I've not experienced anything close to that.

As if by magic my mil came up tonight with a birthday card and! offering and planning a day to have my eldest! :O wierd.

OP posts:

CoffeeTea103 · 16/12/2013 21:24

It's only on mn I see people being advised that their partners family is their partners responsibility. This is horrible advice. If that's so then why do people expect their in laws to care about them.
Point being, it's just as much your responsibility to remember your mil birthday, from her point of view this may be one of many reasons she treats you the way she does.

NewtRipley · 16/12/2013 21:30

I think that's because MN is predominantly women, these threads are about problems between DIL and IL, and about women having partners who don't take any responsibility for maintaining the relationships in the wider family.

Seriously - how many men do the birthday-remembering for their IL? It's an expectation that's put onto women.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 16/12/2013 21:33

no its not horrible coffee! I would not expect my DH in any way shape or form to keep on top of birthdays and happenings in my family! Why on earth would I be expected to do it for dh family.

Anyway op, dc do not need GP. They dont.

We all think esp at this time of year of rosy families all getting on, and sweet loving GP's there in the background.

Its simply not true in RL

As for the card, she is grown woman. You apologised. If she is harbouring resentment over that, she is a two year old and is not worth another thougt in your brain.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 16/12/2013 21:34

Yes Newt, your right and usually, women post, and say its them who is maintining the relationships and yet, and yet they are still not liked by the in laws. Hence all the usual advice to stop bothering.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/12/2013 23:10

My OH does the cards for his family. He spoke to his dad tonight, consulted me, and they are coming over on Sunday. That's what couples do, surely?

Tapiocapearl · 17/12/2013 00:10

I think you need to stop caring less. And lower your expectations. She's loosing out. Your DS will have lots if lovely friends and family to care for him over the years.

OOAOML · 17/12/2013 00:18

Well I must be horrible because I totally fail to see why it is a woman's responsibility to sort out cards for her in laws. If I remember that a birthday is coming up I might mention it to DH, but I don't rush out to get cards etc. Nor would I expect him to for my relatives. Nor am I insulted if I don't get a card.

theoldtrout01876 · 17/12/2013 00:26

My Ex mil hated me,I figured it out pretty quickly.
My kids were treated HUGELY differently to the other grandchildren. It used to piss me off.
I stopped bothering once they started noticing the difference in treatment,If she couldnt treat them the same as all the other grandkids then I didnt push them to go visit her ( I stopped going too ). It worked until I got divorced and exh would take them there when he had them. By that time they had her sussed for themselves,they also sussed the rest of that rotten,dysfunctional, fcked up family.
Stop bothering,the kids will figure it out for themselves,she isnt worth the worry and stress shes causing you and will never change

Caitlin17 · 17/12/2013 00:28

ZeViteWitch I'm with you. I haven't the faintest idea of when anyone's birthday is in his family, nor would he have in mine. If I was responsible for taking on birthday card duties for his lot they've had 28 years of being disappointed.

I'm fairly new to MN and am amazed at it seems to be the norm of thinking the in-laws, even quite distant, ones as " your family" .

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