To those who don't understand toxic, nc etc

[middleclassdystopia]

clearly you've never experienced abusive relatives. I would say cutting contact with close relatives is not done blithely. But rather out of self preservation.

By abusive I mean emotional,physical or sexual abuse. The term toxic was used following the popularity of a book which has helped lots of people come to terms with abusive parents.

Hope that helps and maybe makes anyone reconsider before posting comnents which are dismissive of people's very painful experiences.

I don't understand nc in the slightest, but have always assumed that's because I'm fortunate enough to have a family who, at their absolute very worst, have never been more than 'a bit annoying' - not because that's all anyone has! Can't imagine what someone would have to go through in order to cut off family members, but don't for a minute think anyone would dream of such a drastic measure unless they absolutely needed to.

Sorry, this isn't really a constructive post, but other thread has annoyed me by proxy. I might be rather sheltered and lucky, but I'm not deluded about the fact that I am!

What does NC stand for?

Totally agree OP. Thought the views on the other thread were very ignorant and dismissive.

Hey, thanks for the flowers lotta :)

Another 'agreeing feminist' over here. Maybe we should do a secret handshake?

NC = No contact, dexter.

Thanks flippinada.

I am tragically over-excited about the idea of a secret hand-shake!

What is the other thread?

What book was it?

My mum had a horrendous upbringing, she would be interested in such a book, she often reads books that help....

Agreed.

I started a thread in the wee hours this morning because my grandmother kicked the emotional shit out of me.

The first response I got was that I was being sensitive, old people are like that.

Maybe it was the time of day, but I felt really hurt. Like I deserved it. But then I thought, this is the internet. These people don't know me or my family. So it's moot.

I've decided to take this as my attitude IRL as well. It's a big day here!

www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826

TheListingAttic au contraire, mon amie, your post was very constructive, because it was reassuring.

Sometimes I, for one, begin to wonder whether I am unreasonable to expect other people to accept that abusive/neglectful/toxic parents exist outside of newspaper bubbles. To accept that normal looking, (mostly! ) sane acting people have grown up to be your friend/colleague/fellow forum user from such a beginning.

You're welcome dexter.

In reality, I'd be terrible at secret handshakes. I have no co-ordination whatsoever!

Good for you mummy - and sympathies. I have someone like that in my extended family. She's a horrible, poisonous woman.

I never met my maternal grandmother as my mum never saw her mum as she had mental health issues to the point of repeatedly trying to commit suicide and blaming my mum for it.

I cut contact with my grandfather and step grandmother as they are both pretentious arseholes who put others down to make themselves feel better, I won't go into details as to what they did to me.

I don't go on about their toxity, my mum doesn't go on about it or their toxity. We just get on with life, don't see them as worthy of taking up our thoughts, don't hate them, don't pity them, nothing. They are related but not important in our lives. If they were important then they'd have an effect and they aren't worthy of that.

Yes, I know a number of others who have relations the don't see but we don't analyse it, just think our relatives are arseholes and get on with life. We are adults who made our choices and don't need to keep going over it.

Well good for you Joysmum - but other people find it helpful to talk about these things.

I wish I could be like that, Joy. Didn't you find it hard?

Totally agree. I read a dismissive comment about this on another thread (things you read about on MN that you never see in RL), & just thought: "Well, you're lucky". I don't really use the word "toxic" personally, but sadly I do know from personal experience what people mean by it.

Yanbu.

Two of my ex friends thought I was BU because I never visited my biological parents in prison, and spent Christmas with my long term foster parents (was put in care aged 9 and phased out as an adult), when an adult. The reason they were in prison in the first place was because of rape, sexual abuse, physical abuse and neglect against my siblings and I. Apparently this wasn't a good enough reason to never want to hear of them, see them or be close to them ever, ever, ever again. And when they heard that the sentence was ending in five years (it was a 15yr sentence, now there's only three years left...) I was meant to be happy t be reunited with them.

I'm sure they can go to bed every night believing that the act of having a child means you love them, bond with them and do your best for them. Many of us on MN and jn RL know this isn't the case and some people need to accept this!

I think it would have been harder if I had had any sort of respect or expectations of those people. In the case of my grandfather and step grandmother, I was waiting for them to kick up having seen how they were with my mum. It really doesn't bother me or make me angry but I do feel sorry for my mum.

My mum used to have a tough time of it. I remember as a child seeing her curled up in a corner dissolved in tears saying she didn't want to end up like her mum.

Over time, she realised she was an adult now who knew right from wrong and had the choice as to the sort of person she was. She could have let it break her, she could of let it poison her by harbouring hatred. She decided her life was her own and she would live it as she wanted and how she saw fit. The only person it hurt by continually looking for logic to explain things, over and above them being complete nasty twats, was time wasted. She'd never explain it and if she let it oh then it didn't really matter any more.

Your poor mum Joy. It's much easier to deal with when you are one step removed though - it gives you much needed perspective and distance.

Thank you for posting. Similarly I found the other thread a bit offensive and dismissive. I don't speak to my father and find my relationship with my mother hard work but when I posted about this once got a dismissive comment suggesting I was a 'nutter'. The thread spent all this time elevating parent child love and that's just not my experience, at least with my parents.

I wish my Dh would read some of the books suggested, he hasn't seen or spoken to his Mum in over 20 years and even though he's happier in himself he's still messed up from his childhood/teen years. Unless they have experienced it themselves or have someone close to has been through it, (I grew up with Dh and saw her first hand) then most "normal" families can't even fathom what others have been through and how it affects their lives forever.

If I were a child in todays society I would have been taken into care (and would have been glad of it). So I have taken myself into care, the care of myself away from them. I have trouble with overindulged friends who moan about mummy not helping much when she visits or daddy not paying their bills, but then I have to accept that their pain is real for them and respect that difference if I want my difference respected. Some people think my family are not speaking to me and then it looks like I've done something unforgivable rather than the other way around.