To confront SIL with the truth

[KeinBock]

Will try to keep this brief, as I do appreciate how tedious and long-winded these MIL & SIL-related tales of woe can become.

I have a rather passive-agressive, jealous & martyrish MIL with whom I've always had a rather bristly relationship. That said, she is very good with her GC (including our dc) and I have always tried to put my own feelings to one side for the DC's sake.
However, every now and then she completely oversteps the mark, at which point I will (usually) say something. On one such occasion recently, I told her a couple of (rather regrettable) home-truths. Cue SIL (who lives abroad) ringing up to berate me in no uncertain terms about upsetting her poor frail DM.
Now one of the 'home-truths' I had told MIL related to something incredibly spiteful that MIL had done behind SIL's back, and about which SIL was (and remains) blissfully unaware. The temptation to disabuse SIL of this ignorance is great. Sorry to speak in riddles here but don't wish to out myself.

Now, SIL & I have only met in person a dozen or so times, due to us both living abroad at different points. It bothers me that she clearly does not like me, as a result (I suspect) of MIL's influence. WIBU to tell her the whole story, even if it is likely to upset her very much? Or should I let sleeping dogs lie?

Tempting as it is, do not tell her the story. She doesn't know you and if she doesn't like you she will never believe you over her mother anyway. No good will come of it, keep the moral high ground and just leave it.

Scrap that, I think I've already answered my own question.

Thanks, Betty, you've hit the nail on the head there

God no. Do not get involved.

Next time she tries to talk to you refer her to your dh. IGNORE - it's the only tactic with any hope of working.

You could tell her that there is a genuine reason but you can't say because it would betray a confidence.

Where does your DH stand in all this? I wouldn't tell SIL anything, as Betty said, no good will come of it. I'd be a bit miffed at DH sitting back and letting me take an earful from his sister though.

My immediate thought is, well Sil chose to get involved, so give it to her warts & all. Is Sil Mils daughter?

You could just say, 'Actually Dil, I was defending you'

Its very difficult to say either way if we don't know exactly what Mil has done though.

Where's your DH stand in all of this?

Tell your DH to sort his own family out, and stay out of the way until they can be respectful.

DH is primarily worried about upsetting his DSis, so wants me to keep schtum. Actually, I also like SIL (even though she clearly thinks so little of me) and I am willing to do the right thing here. It just irritates me to see manipulative MIL getting away with her machinations once again.

The only thing I might do is to say when being berated is 'Yes, it's terrible but I couldn't let the thing with the melons go on without supporting you, a pity that you can't see that so next time I'll let MIL get on with it'.

*By the thing with the melons I mean the thing that shall not be mentioned lest you be outed.