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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think sometimes a religious explanation is easier...

26 replies

ScarletLady02 · 16/12/2013 10:05

Not trying to go on a self pity one here but I've just lost my Mum (yesterday) after a long history of cancer.

I have no clue how to tell DD (3 next week). She LOVES her Nan and it was OK when I was able to tell her she was very poorly and staying in a special hospital (I did take her to visit) but now I just don't know what to say. The whole "she's gone to live in heaven" explanation is so easy....but I'm totally atheist so I'd feel like I was lying.

Can anyone help me come up with something to say? This is in no way disrespectful to those who hold religious beliefs, I just don't myself, but I am starting to see how they can be quite comforting in times like this.

OP posts:
WigWearer · 16/12/2013 10:07

It isn't easier, if you don't yourself believe in it. Religion is specifically designed to make life (which is hard), easier to bear, but without belief, it's just a lie.

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/12/2013 10:10

I know...I just can't think of another way to explain it. This is the first loss I've suffered in recent years so it hasn't come up before.

OP posts:
revivingshower · 16/12/2013 10:13

I agree you should say something you believe in. I am a christian, but I also like the way our bodies go back into the earth and become part of new life and our actions go on in the form of what we have done being passed on to future generations so who is to say our spirit does not live on in some way, maybe not as we were but in a new way?

tinierclanger · 16/12/2013 10:14

I'm sorry to hear of your sad loss.

This is how I have explained death to DS in the past.

Someone's body has got worn out and so they can't be here anymore. We still remember them though and as long as we have those memories we can still feel close to that person.

Why do people have to die? To make room for new babies, etc...

WooWooOwl · 16/12/2013 10:14

So sorry to hear about your Mum. Thanks

I agree with you that it is easier to explain death to a child if you are religious, but there are a lot of books available that can help explain it to children without the religious element. There was a thread full of book suggestions on here last week, but I can't remember any of them except Goodbye Mog. Hopefully some others will have some suggestions for you.

I think if it makes it easier for you then you can tell your dd that some people believe in heaven, because that wouldn't be lying, and it allows her to believe it if she wishes to. It's very hard to know what's going on in the minds of children, but I think it's worth allowing her to believe if it helps her to make sense of it because she is still too young to have the capacity to understand fully.

Reiltin · 16/12/2013 10:16

So sorry about your mom. I remember after Sandy Hook, there was an old Sesame St clip doing the rounds. One of their cast members had died and they were explaining death because of it. It was completely secular and I believe helpful for small children. I'm sure if you YouTube Sesame St dead, it will come up. Good luck. And sorry again.

noblegiraffe · 16/12/2013 10:18

So sorry for your loss, especially at this time of year.

Her body will become part of the Earth and the stars so when we see the stars or a beautiful flower, we can remember her might be one way. I think that rather than being comforting to a child 'Nan has gone to live in Heaven' is confusing, especially when they ask why she isn't coming back to visit.

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/12/2013 10:18

I think the way my Dad handles the funeral etc will help. My family aren't religious either and I now my Mum was in love with a Humanist place near here that allows you to plant a tree (they don't have gravestones in a traditional way). I quite liked the idea of being able to go for a walk through this big forest where each tree represents a person. I'll take a few days to think about how I tell her....there's no rush. I still feel like it hasn't really hit me. My Mum was my best friend.

OP posts:
EmpressOfThe7WillowsandTaras · 16/12/2013 10:22

Have you seen this? It would be more for you than your toddler but I want it at my funeral.

www.goodfuneralguide.co.uk/2013/03/you-want-a-physicist-to-speak-at-your-funeral/

Also a link to the Sesame St clip.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=gxlj4Tk83xQ&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dgxlj4Tk83xQ

ErrolTheDragon · 16/12/2013 10:25

I'm sorry for your loss. Flowers

“It is far better to grasp the universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.” Carl Sagan

The religious explanation might be easier now but you'd probably be making it more difficult later on.

Three year olds are often rather matter-of-fact about death, if you present it to them pretty straight. My DD had a great-uncle she was very fond of die when she was about three. A couple of things which helped were :

(a) goldfish ... she'd been through the 'animals get old and sick and die, we bury them under the honeysuckle and some of their atoms become a lovely flower' (having originated in stardust ... circle of life type of thing. Has your DD had any such experience she could relate to?

(b) some books - there was a story called Badgers Parting Gifts which she asked for several times and listened to thoughtfully. There are some other ideas in the 'what do other customers buy' which might be worth looking at the reviews.

The main things to emphasise is that granny was very ill, and she's now free from pain and suffering. But that your memories of her stay alive forever - love doesn't die; do talk about her - the things you did together, funny things, sad things - don't make it a taboo subject.

anotherchristmasnamechange · 16/12/2013 10:31

I'm very sorry about your Mum.

I am a Christian, but I actually find that the religious explanation is more problematic for small children - the idea of going to live somewhere else confuses them. The explanation of being too poorly to get better, and our bodies not working any more, is more concrete and I find that conversation easier to have with them.

stickysausages · 16/12/2013 10:40

I'm so sorry for your loss Thanks

Ds knows people get sick, sometimes can't be fixed & they die.

We saw a dead badger last summer, and passed a few times as it decayed & he is quite happy knowing that all the good things from the body go into the ground and help the flowers to grow.

Also be prepared for 'insensitive' questions from her, DS asks about my mum who died & he is very straightforward & tactless! Which can catch me off guard, not his fault though

itshowwedo · 16/12/2013 10:44

I agree - I think three year olds are very matter of fact. Also, they don't really understand finality the way an older child might, so talking about death is less distressing for them. Mine is a little older now, but we talk about always remembering, and how sad we are that we can't see X any more, and how we wish things could be different, but that they just can't be, and that's why we feel so sad. I'm afraid that mine also asked heart-breaking practical questions: "Can we read her a story in the hole?" I hope you find some peace. Thanks

ErrolTheDragon · 16/12/2013 12:34

One thing I forgot before - if you do get any books, if you're anything like me you'll have to read them through a few times yourself before being able to read them out loud.

AutumnFire · 16/12/2013 15:30

I told my eldest DC when she was little that we go to sleep, and we don't need our body any more so it goes back to the Earth to make new things.

She did ask me, after some time, when the person would wake up again. I told her that nobody knows for sure, but that some people think you wake up in heaven, some people think you wake up in a new body, etc. etc.

Unspoken is the idea that you never wake up, but I think perhaps that's a concept easier to grasp when you come to it on your own (at least that's what happened with me as I grew up, and it was a fairly gentle process).

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/12/2013 15:52

Thanks so much for all your posts. After having a good chat with my siblings this afternoon I feel a bit better about things.

All your ideas are great...I feel I have time to decide how best to deal with it. Today she keeps saying "Nanny's asleep!" and I haven't corrected her....I haven't said this to her but it seems to be something she's picked up on.

OP posts:
stickysausages · 16/12/2013 15:55

Be wary of the sleeping thing, reinforce the fact it's not like normal sleep, I've read that kids can worry about sleeping normally etc.

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 16/12/2013 15:57

I will be giving her more of an explanation for sure, it just seems OK for the next few days while I think of something better. It's only a continuation of the last few times we went to visit her as she was asleep.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 16/12/2013 15:58

I've read in the past that its generally best to avoid the idea of death being a 'sleep' because it can confuse children and also potentially make them scared to go to sleep themselves, or be worried if you do! If it's an idea the child has come up with themselves, all well and good, but she may need some clarification at some point - that it's a bit like going to sleep, but different. Hope that makes sense.

formerbabe · 16/12/2013 16:00

I am also an atheist. I explained to my son that when people got very ill or very old, they die and its like being asleep forever. We can't see them anymore but we can always remember them and be happy that they were part of our lives.
Hth

snippyMcSnippy · 16/12/2013 17:42

Christian here.

we have explained death as in your body died but the bit that makes you you goes to heaven.

You could swap that out with goes into the stars.

WelshMaenad · 16/12/2013 18:47

I'm so very sorry you have lost your mum, Scarlet.

harticus · 16/12/2013 18:55

I am so sorry that you have lost your mum.

RiceBurner · 16/12/2013 19:12

Sorry re your mum. (I lost mine suddenly last Feb, but she was a good age.)

I'm an aethist.

I have always been honest about this with our children who are now young adults.

I think children can be quite accepting of death if you are straightforward about it.

Yes, they will be upset when people close to them, (or pets), die. But you will comfort them by saying life isn't forever and when we die we do not suffer anymore. We just ARE no more.

If they say "But mummy, will I die? I don;t want to die!" you can say "remember before you were born? well it's just like that. So it's fine being dead" ... and they usually can accept this after they have thought about it for a while.

Then they might say "But mummy, I don't want you to die" and again you can be honest with them .... ie say that you WILL die one day, (as will they, as will EVERYONE), but hopefully not for years and years. And by then he/she will be all grown up perhaps even VERY OLD, with children of their own? And they will be fine. (Just give the truth with some reassurance.)

Children in developing countries witness death/experience bereavement much more frequently and they also seem to cope. Birth and death = life. It's a simple fact.

And I think making death too 'mystical', (or lying), is a lot more problematic in the long run than being totally honest. (And letting them see the dead pet etc.)

Christmastimemoonbluesandwine · 16/12/2013 19:26

I'm so sorry about your mum.

Paper dolls by Julia Donaldson is a lovely book about loss - I wondered if it would be good for your DD.

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