To feel so sad and worried that I can't keep my daughter safe

[hb1976]

A bit of background....

After many years of infertility and many miscarriages I finally had my daughter who is now 2 years old. During all of that my younger sister was mistakenly diagnosed with terminal lung cancer (it was actually Hodgkin's lymphoma). She survived and is now in remission.

I feel that everything that has happened over the last 6 years has completely changed me as a person. I never used to worry about things but now I feel like a nervous wreck most of the time.

I am now pregnant with my 2nd (and final) baby after 3 miscarriages in a year and was told yesterday that the baby seems fine but I have too much amniotic fluid for 30 weeks.

Today my 2 year old slipped in the kitchen, split her lip open and broke her front tooth. I feel so guilty and dreadful about this.

I have just felt so desolate today. I know everyone will think that I'm being ridiculous but I just have a deep down feeling that I'm not meant to have my children, that I have somehow cheated nature and that something will happen to them.

I try so hard to keep them safe, probably to the point of being a bit too neurotic... My 2 year old is still on a breathing monitor in her cot for example.

Does it ever get any easier?

It doesn't get any easier all by itself as if by magic, no. It sounds to me like you need some RL help and support to talk through your issues, perhaps something like CBT could help you?

You have dealt with a lot of grief, fear and loss so it's no wonder you feel this way. I certainly don't think you're ridiculous. I can understand that a combination of circumstances have changed the way you look at things and your natural response to things. But if you want to change your thinking back to 'old you' then you will need help to do it.

I agree, you are in a state of heightened anxiety - understandably so.
It might help you to think of it as a matter of biology - it's not that you weren't meant to have kids by any twist of fate - it's just the way your womb works. It's been a struggle physically - but that's nothing to do with what is meant to be.
Kids hurt themselves all the time, that's how it is.
Try not to be so hard on yourself, you have been through so much - you are a survivor rather than someone who is destined to have bad things happen.
Try counselling - CBT - see if it helps.
Trust me I understand you - good luck!!!

Aw sweetheart you're doing fine. You're a loving mum, doing the best job you can but no matter how hard you try, accidents happen. And this was an accident. Not your fault. My DS has just turned 3 and has 2 wee scars already

I'm sorry you've been through so much. If you're finding it really difficult then maybe it is time to ask for help. I had some wonderful grief counselling when my DSIL died. Helped me put a lot of things into perspective.

Hope things get better for you soon and you start enjoying motherhood more.

As others have said it is perfectly natural. You are being hyper-vigilant because of the stress of your younger sister's illness. It may fade in time but chances are that a bit of targeted counselling is in order. CBT or similar might be all it takes.

I developed a horrible phobia because of this quirk of our brains. I knew what had happened but the feelings remained.

i don't know if it gets easier. i know i've been sitting here feeling sorry for myself. take any help you can get.

also, think of every happy moment, no matter how fleeting as 'one in the bank' - a good memory, a building block for future happiness.

as human beings we have no security (religious people would say we can turn to God for that) and no control over many events. we cannot prevent change and the suffering that comes from wishing to keep things as they are (Buddhist teaching). but we can try to live in the moment and fully enjoy loving those we love right now.

so i'll think how lovely it was to sit with my dd, sil and dgd this afternoon, and how pleased i am that my 81yo dad has a bladder infection not a heart attack or stroke, and that my 79 yo bedridden mum looked comfy enough in the nursing home tonight.

do look for help to deal with your anxiety. counselling can help. i know, i'm on a waiting list for yet more...

stress makes you see the disaster in everrything. knowing that sort of helps me.

I have been through similar feelings. I had 2 stillbirths and 2 earlier losses, almost lost 2 of my living children and almost bled to death during surgery. 2 of my children had severe life threatening illness at one stage. I developed the anxiety, it is exhausting. Like waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Appreciating the preciousness of your child and knowing what can go wrong. Constantly on edge. It can be 'normal' for the situation. It will get easier. I was the same with DC and when they got older I was much better. I have changed as a person though and no longer care about stuff I did earlier such as careers. I wouldn't have been able to cope with leaving DC with anyone. Definitely recommend counselling and talking to people who have been through similar.

That was me. Years of infertility, feeling that I'd somehow cheated the system and it wasn't going to last, using a monitor during sleeps due to worry about cot death, lots of miscarriages. I have 4 boys now and all those concerns are totally in the past. Reading your post has reminded me of how things used to be - it wasn't helped by the small dose of PND i had post birth. I still feel very fortunate to have my boys of course but they are meant to be with me. I still keep them safe and avoid silly risks. I still want to do the best for my boys but my feelings are less twisted/effected by my past. I think the infertility/miscarriages really took years to come to terms with/work my way through and in a much smaller way the loss/pain will be with me till my grave. But I really feel so differently to how I used to. I had to go through a difficult journey to have my children but it was really worth it. If I'd managed to conceive without issue, I'd have a totally different set of children - I really hate that thought as my kids are amazing. Sorry to ramble. I think you need to talk this through. I never did but I know it would have helped.

Thankyou for everyone's posts. Been good to hear others

OP, I am dental nurse & the amount of times I have seen a child (of all ages) to repair a tooth break because of a fall, can't be counted.

BOTH of my girls have hit their faces & caused a tooth to discolour. BOTH of them have fallen & cut their lip. DD2 is constantly bruised because she often falls over herself!

If that is the worse thing your dd suffers, it is very minor & in no way indicates that you weren't meant to have children. Guilt & feeling dreadful are sometimes part of being a mum! :)

Re the does it get any better...I would love to say yes, but it doesn't, not really. Mine are 5 & 10 now & just give me new sets of worries. Dd1 went swimming with a friend at the weekend and I worried until she was home. She is an ok swimmer with us, but I was worried as she tends to get silly with this friend. I know the mum well & knew she was completely responsible, trusted her etc. But there is always a nagging doubt in your head...

Thank you so much for all your kind and thoughtful replies. I am so sorry that so many of you have suffered but it is reassuring to know that it's not just me who feels like this. I did have counselling whilst pregnant with DD1 due to my anxiety so maybe I do need to continue with this.

I also struggle with anxiety and feel sad when I think about how much I've changed. I'm sure people see me as the same but inside I really struggle. It is life's curveballs that do this to you. We have 2 DCs, had a late miscarriage in between which was really hard but we picked ourselves up, eventually had dc2 (which was a stressful pregnancy because of my worry of another miscarriage) but then DH got a serious illness a few years ago. We were told he'd die. He didn't. But is pretty seriously impaired by it so I keep everything afloat. But I look at my DCs sometimes and feel like it's almost inevitable that something awful will happen to them, like they're too good to be true ... I've had counselling which helped a little. Trouble is when you're stressed, it's hard to remember the tips they give you! So no - it doesn't get easier just because the children get older - you don't worry about them any less! I guess we have to learn ways of coping with it.

And both of my DDs fell, hit their mouths and either cracked or bumped a tooth. At around 2 too!

You're doing great, just dealing with a lot x

I had awful anxiety with DS, it improved a lot at around 18 months. He is now nearly 2 and I am able to leave him for a couple of hours with my parents or closest friends.
It's not been easy, I see it as natural maternal instinct gone a bit very over the top, and therefore that like normal protectiveness it will diminish as he gets more independent and self sufficient.

I think most people at times worry about their children when there's no need, or feels guilty about things that can't be helped. It's just like other parts of life but amplified because of how special they are to us.

Being a mum is what is meant to be for you. You have had a child, the same as every other mum, how she was implanted in your womb is completely irrelevant.

I think everyone feels this way sometimes/a bit.

I am a very relaxed parent who doesn't worry that much.

And still sometimes at night I lie there worrying and the anxiety creeps up on me.

It is because you love them so very much, it is like part of your heart is now outside your body and you can only control so much.

All 2 year olds smack themselves around, it is because they are 2.

I hate hate hate going over water with my kids, I dream about them falling in and sinking and I can't get to them.

They are already ahead of the game having a mama who cares and worries. My Mum tells me that it never ever goes away, you just learn to live with it.

I am usually pretty relaxed but I am very worried about my PFB heading off to uni in the UK next year all by herself.

I think it is any change of circumstances, accident or trauma that make one anxious, even though logically you know the odds of a future mishap haven't altered.

So no OP I don't think it gets easier, just different. Be kind to yourself as parenting is a marathon and you have a long way to go yet.

I had prenatal depression (like postnatal but during pregnancy) it's nothing to be ashamed of, mention it to your midwife and she will be able to help you in various ways.

Toddlers hurt themselves all the time, it was an accident, you didn't cause it and she won't remember it or relate it to you, my son hit his head on the cupboard and was angry at the cupboard for a few hours but came to me for comfort, as long as you patched her up and gave her cuddles you did the right thing.

If you weren't meant to have children then you wouldn't be pregnant or have a child at all. You sound like a fantastic caring mum

I think that the worry goes with being a parent. My mother explained that she would just like to wrap me in cotton wool and keep me safe and I was about 25yrs at the time! If you have gone through such a lot to have a child, you are bound to feel it. You have to let them explore the world and you generally have a few visits to A & E. it is a more healthy alternative, for them, than suffocating them with watching over them every minute, and even if you do that, accidents will happen.
My FIL was still worrying about 'his boys' when he was over 90yrs!
Just try and tell yourself that it is a normal part of being a parent, but felt very acutely by you because of your experiences.

I think these days we pathologise everything. ... I suspect mothers from the dawn of time have felt this way but now we label fear as anxiety and wonder why we're not in a state of bovine bliss eternally.

Most people have serious ongoing stresses at one time or another in life. I see this with my friends this year. One ill parent, job loss, death, health scare, pregnancy loss etc after another. People seem to have runs of severely bad luck. I have had a smooth enough adult life so far in contrast but I grew up in an alcoholic home where unpredictability was the norm and I had serious anxiety labelled as ocd after a threatened miscarriage and a run of not minor/not major stresses like illness and work stress with dc2. Of about 20 friends of my age 10 have had so-called 'clinical levels' of anxiety and depression but been functioning etc in real life and I can't help but wonder if we've been led to believe life shouldn't be fearful when it is and always has been since dawn of time. Possibly less so for us than for many others.

I recommend mindfulness for stress reduction and seeing fear as an inevitable and fluctuating part of life. It will never go away. The trick is just to learn to live with it and not let it dictate what you do.

I agree with Working. Raising children is a fraught enterprise although we are lucky that it is less fraught now than in the past. Caring parents feel fearful for their children's safety at some deep level all the sodding time. It is very tiring. My mother says if she sees me asleep she still checks if I am breathing and I'm 34.

It is how we let this fear influence both our behaviour and feelings that counts. We can let it influence our behaviour by asserting too much control so they don't get to take the risks they need to take to become self-confident. And we can let it influence our feelings if we either over-estimate the risks our children face and suffer the horrible physical and psychological symptoms of anxiety (constant intrusive thoughts, stomach discomfort, uneven breathing and heartrate, difficulty sleeping etc) and if we over-estimate the degree to which we are responsible for harm. 2 year olds fall over. You have too much amniotic fluid for 30 weeks. You did not cause these events and you could not have prevented them. So you need to scotch that guilt.

Knowing that there is a slightly elevated risk of complications with pregnancy is frightening. Fear is normal. It happens because you care about your baby.

But transforming that fear into a belief about your adequacy as a parent is unnecessary. Your womb is the only place your baby should be. Nowhere else in the world is as safe. No one else in the world will do as good a job as you at picking up your 2 year old, cuddling her, mopping up the blood and telling her she is safe and everything is OK.

You've been through the mill over the years so it's no wonder you're struggling to see the positives - sometimes it can feel like you're just going from one firefight to another with no let up.

Like you said on your last post, you're not the only one to feel like that - you'd be surprised how many apparently together people have been/are going through the same, you're probably doing a good job of putting on a front to others yourself.

Please go and see a Dr and be honest with them, and speak out to someone in rl - the hardest thing is that first step.

You've done amazingly well to get to where you are, against the odds and you deserve to get the joy from it - as far as bad mum goes, my kids have split lips,heads, broken bones etc etc over the years - it happens.

Keep going, don't give up, and please, please ask for help. Xx

go to the docs your anxiety seems through the roof how can you not be meant to have your child lovey there is no fate that dictates this, children slip children fall and children hurt themselves they will have accidents you need to be able to deal with this, if you have a health visitor speak to them about it.