to feel let down and angry with my mum.

[BarleyBo]

I am a lp. I work in a shit job which pays pittance and I have to work Saturdays. When I took the job on my mum said she would help me with the kids on Saturdays so that I could do my job.
I really appreciate her help and without her I couldn't go out to work so this isn't me bitching about her. I am very appreciative of the help she has given me.

However over time things have begun to slip. She has the children at my house as she says its easier whilst I usually do a 9-5 shift. It is a very hard physical job and I am exhausted when I get home.

Let me explain what happened today. I got home from work and could barely open the front door.....there were toys everywhere!
Went in to the living room to discover the kids were running around naked. Not a stitch of clothing on. I immediately started tidying up because there was crap everywhere. Bits of paper the kids had torn up like confetti sprinkled all over the floor. This was annoying but I was just getting on with tidying it up. Then I realised the children had been playing with a tube of super glue. It was all over ds's school uniform which was dumped in the middle of the floor and when I inspected dd it was all over her hands. (The dcs are 5 and 6) This is very strong glue that I have nearly glued my fingers together with in the past.....not something I would want anywhere near the children. I realise this should not have been in reach of the children I thought it was up high on a shelf out of their reach but it wasn't. I was really angry at this...mainly because it could have had really horrendous effects if one of the kids had glued their fingers together or their eyes or something. The minuet I said something my mum flew off the handle with me and would accept no responsibility for it. She said it was my fault for leaving it where they could access it. I realise this is part of the problem and it is now in the bin outside but I also think she should have been paying closer attention to them. Her argument was basically that she had done me a favour by looking after them and by making such a criticism I was unappreciative of her help. This isn't the case at all but I don't expect to come home and find that!

I then ventured upstairs to grab some washing and the mess I was greeted with was a total joke. The kids had pulled every singled toy out....their room was inaccessible, as was the landing and the toys were trailing down the stairs. They had pulled loads of clean clothes out of their draws and these were include in the mess. They had also been into my room and pulled my stuff out and strewn it across the landing. I immediately made them go up and clear it up and they went and did it straight away, no questions.

I am really upset by it all. I know the children need to learn to have respect for their belonging and their home....however they know that I don't condone that kind of mess and when I ask them to clear up/do something they usually do it. They are typical kids, sometimes you have to nag a bit. They are cleaning up now and have had a severe talking to. However I feel had they been being supervised properly then things wouldn't have been allowed to spiral out of control in such a way.

In my mums defence she has chronic fatigue syndrome. This has been diagnosed recently. I have asked her before if our arrangement is too much for her to cope with but she says not.
I have taken a new job so this wont be an issue for much longer as I will only be working school hours. This is one of the reasons I have taken a new job as I don't feel I can leave her with the kids for long periods of time.

I don't want to seem unappreciative. I love my mum, she is one of my closest friends and I couldn't live without her. She does a lot for me as I do for her. But things like this really get to me. Its not like I am going out partying, I am going to work. I have told her the kids will happily sit and watch a dvd for an hour or two if she wants them a little more contained. Like I said this wont be an issue for much longer....which I am glad of. We can go back to being friends again and this just causes tension. I don't want to have a go at her because she takes everything so personally and its not the way it is intended. I just need to vent.

enjoy, Barley!!

Well, OP, I have one child and my DH has come home many times to a house that looks like chaos. I can't always tidy up due to a medical condition and it's frightening how quickly things can descend into mess, especially if a child is in a naughty mood, away wreaking havoc while you're slowly clearing up the mess in another room. Looking after children is a really demanding job and DH knows it. If he came in complaining about the mess I would ask him to deal with it on my way out the door. You should remember it's even harder to keep order when looking after kids who aren't your own and therefore not so aware that 'mummy's rules' are still in force.

The superglue incident I think is entirely your own fault. It's unlikely your mum was sitting back with her feet up while this was going on. You cannot keep your eyes glued on two children for hours on end and accidents will always happen. That's why we have safety measures in the first place - to try to limit what can go wrong. I think it's incredible your kids weren't glued together and I question the truth of your post, to be honest.

I appreciate that you're tired, but it hasn't got anything to do with your mum. Having suffered from chronic fatigue myself, I can tell you that she's being superwoman keeping to this arrangement at all and who knows how she's feeling for the rest of the day/week.

Perhaps you do appreciate your mum as much as you say...but I still think you sound terribly spoilt.

op, your mum can't cope. you're expecting too much of her. if the children were alive and felt loved, you did well. but, and this is a big but, if she can't cope to that extent, can you sure they won't cause themselves harm whilst in her care?

spoilt...wow that's a pretty big assumption to make. I can assure you that you are totally wrong.

This arrangement was put in place because my mum agreed to it, I wouldn't have taken the job if she had said no or shown any hesitation. She wanted to do it and when she started was really enjoying spending the day with the kids, she would usually plan out something fun to do, crafts or a trip somewhere. The moment I saw that she wasn't managing I started looking for another job that wouldn't have to involve her in the child care. There is no one else who can have them and I don't see what more I could have done, I even spoke to my boss and asked if I could change my shifts but she couldn't accommodate it.
As for the truth in my post why would I lie??? My mum was sat in the living room knitting, the kids were in front of her making junk models and the glue was there to see, I spotted it almost instantly as I walked into the room. Its a tiny living room, they were on the floor in front of her. You don't have to believe me that's fine but I think its a bit pathetic to go around calling people names. How old are you?
I was exhausted when I got in from work yesterday and over reacted a little, as did my mum. I have held my hands up to that. I would rather come on here and vent about it than yell at her and stress her out. That is exactly what I did. We have both apologised to one another and its all forgotten. As for the glue if you read above it was stuffed into a draw when we were having work done.....it was an accident. Most parents have them every now and again and I wont have anything like that in the house in future because of this incident.

No I cant be sure of that.....but I would really love someone to tell me short of walking out of my current job what else I can do?

ah, good you have another job as your mum obviously wants to help both you and your sister with the kids but is too ill to cope.

best you both back off, sort your own kids out and be there to help her. she's the ill one here.

your telling her that she didn't do a good job is rubbing slat into the wounds. hope she's getting help with her condition?

It's good that you have nearly finished your time in this job, congratulations on the new one!

I would give DC firm talking to about behaving for their gran, mess and dangers of substances like superglue, give the house the once-over before you go to work the next few times, and hope for the best!

Does sound like your mum is strugglng. Might be time to make plans for finding other (free if possible!) care, eg if not every week and just every so often is there a friend you could swop favours with, or a friend with no DC who wouldn't mind babysitting occasionally.

Other option, chuck a sickie or two once you have given notice and got a reference!

She goes to a support group and is under care of the local team who specialise in it.
I have been very supportive of her. A lot of my family have told her its all in her head. I am not going to lie, I find it frustrating at times but if I feel like that then she must feel rubbish so I don't voice my frustrations when I feel them. Being horrible to her isn't going to help. I try and make sure she eats well and just try to understand what she is going through. I am no angel but I try and do my best for my mum which is why I am leaving my job. I am very close to her and we spend a lot of our free time together.
I have told my other sister she needs to ease up on my mum but she doesn't get it.....there isn't a lot I can do in terms of changing her mind. I have sorted my part of the problem out. My sister is the type of person that can not be forced into doing anything.
Over Christmas there will be other family members coming to stay who will be around and will be able to help my mum so it wont be quite as bad. There are only 3 more shifts left and then she is free of me.

You sound considerate and caring towards her, am sure your mum can still enjoy time with you and the DC when things change, yes, not many shifts to go, it will be OK

YABU to feel let down by your mum. She was trying to help you out- but the simple fact is she is too ill to do it.

It's good that you have another job.

I suspect your mum was being brave when she said she could cope despite the chronic fatigue syndrome. From what I understand, with that condition there are some days when you are just utterly exhausted and even the thought of talking is incredibly daunting. She may have had that sort of day last Saturday.

I'm not overly convinced...I use super glue a lot, same with PVA & super glue does not peal of like PVA. It just doesn't!

Plus I think that by the age of 6 & 5m kids should know better than to get the house in that kind of mess, to be fair. My 5yr knows that she is not to go in room, let alone go through my draws. I think you need to teach them some boundaries.

I'm sorry I offended you, OP. It was a poor way of expressing that I felt you were being unreasonable. Hope things improve with the job change :)

Must be awful coming home to a tip I agree.

It's clearly too much for your mum. She obviously wanted to help but the period is too long.

However I think your 5/6 year old could take proper responsibility if you talked to them about how you feel arriving to a mess, grannies illness and get them into the routine of clearing up after before they leave one room and play in another. You could also set some rewards in place. So a treat on Sunday or sweet/extra pocket money if they manage to keep things tidy. Your kids are really old enough to act with consideration to others.

They also need to know that if you teturn from work to a mess, the kids will have to tidy it all while you sit and have a cup of tea. Even if it takes hours. Put in place some punishments like early bed, removal of a favourite toy.