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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think hubby shouldnt get so drunk now he has a aby?

24 replies

lem31 · 14/12/2013 10:10

So Dh is in his mid 30's and we have a 6 month old. Last night he went on his works do. Unfortunately ds started running a high fever and on speaking to the out of hours docs they told us to come in at 11 at night. He is ok - got an inhaler and diagnosis of croup.
I spent 3 hours trying to get hold of Dh, text, called etc but the only time he replied he was telling me about his night, didnt even reply about his son being ill. This morning he is moping about saying he has the flu (hangover) expecting sympathy and I've not politely told him to bugger off. He hasn't once asked how his son is. I've been getting myself more worked up as the morning has progressed until I finally told him that I didn't think it was appropriate for him to get so drunk he doesn't understand what's going on now we have a baby. True he doesn't go out often, maybe 3 times since baby was born, but he always gets in that state. He thinks I'm being unreasonable as he doesn't do it often. Surely he is old enough now to not get into that state, so he doesn't even realise his son is ill? What if it had been more serious?

OP posts:

redskyatnight · 14/12/2013 10:26

Well I think adults drinking themselves incapable is ridiculous anyway.

But ... have to say I side with DH. If it's only the occasional time (for special occasions?) it doesn't seem unreasonable that he can go out and have a few drinks if he wants. The "him not being available" problem would as much apply if he'd say travelled to elsewhere in the country.

Totally agree it shouldn't be a regular occurrence.

CailinDana · 14/12/2013 10:27

Yanbu. I think getting in that state at any age is ridiculous but having a night out doesn't relieve you of your role as a parent.

IAmADonkeyOnTheEdge · 14/12/2013 10:33

Watching with interest ..... DH is 42 , we have small children and thinks it's "fun" to go into town with work colleagues ( all in 20's) / drink himself incapable and come home almost in time for the smallest DD to wake up for the morning . I hate it - I feel sick at the thought of his selfishness and irresponsible actions . I can't empathise as to why this is " fun " . But its only a few times a year - say every other month . It affects our relationship for a week b4 and and a week after . Am I a miserable old bag ?

EdithWeston · 14/12/2013 10:39

Well, he's going out at a rate of once every 2 months or so. That's not unreasonable.

But being unable to contact him at all is problematic. Does that happen a lot?

Not even enquiring about DS's well-being is VVU, however.

Balistapus · 14/12/2013 10:44

YANBU
There's no problem with him having a night off occasionally, both of you are entitled to that. However, not showing any interest in your child's illness is, in my opinion, disgusting.

I agree with the others that getting paralytic beyond the age of 30 is a bit sad really. I would do as much noisy housework, hoovering, washing machine on spin, as I could the next morning during his hang over. He's allowed a night out, but the next morning is business as usual.

specialsubject · 14/12/2013 11:22

a night out is fine. But swilling until his brain leaks out of his ears is the sign of a boring no-life. Can't he have fun if he is conscious?

booze-guzzlers are tragic at 18, never mind at 30. Tell him to shape up or ship out, who wants to be married to someone this dull?

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2013 11:38

Good job you don't all go out and get bladdered as well, isn't it?

It is extremely unreasonable to come home in that state when you have children.

And I despair at adults who need to do this in order to have a 'good time'.

Imsosorryalan · 14/12/2013 11:43

Glad it's not just me, however dh thinks it's ok and then is about as useful as a chocolate teapot for the rest of the day. I usually leave him with the youngest and go off shopping

sashh · 14/12/2013 11:45

Whether you ABU I think depends on how you would have reacted if ds was not ill.

If you would be just as angry then fine. If you would have accepted it but this is a wake up call then dh didn't know that before he was drunk, and it is no good trying to talk to a drunk.

Hope your dc is on the mend.

Once dh's hangover is over have a talk about how he would feel if dc was admitted to hospital but he would not be allowed in because he was drunk.

WorraLiberty · 14/12/2013 11:46

That's a very strange reaction to have to his DS being ill

Does he think you're often over cautious or something?

I just can't get my head around it, drunk or not?

Lilacroses · 14/12/2013 12:01

Yanbu at all. It's not healthy, necessary or helpful for him to get that drunk. I would find that very hard to live with even if I didn't have a baby.

peggyundercrackers · 14/12/2013 12:10

if its only every couple of months its not so bad - but like others I don't get adults getting completely arsed that they don't know what theyre doing. Its unfortunate your ds fell ill on his christmas night out but it wasn't serious and it sounds like you were able to handle it.

IAmADonkeyOnTheEdge · 14/12/2013 12:50

You all talk sense . I am going to try and not mind so much and hope he will grow out of it ?

Bowlersarm · 14/12/2013 12:53

YABU.

I just don't think it's appropriate to be telling him how much he is 'allowed' to drink when he's out.

I'm sorry that your son was ill, but I think it's unrealistic to tell your DH how he spends his evenings out over the coming years. Especially as it happens infrequently.

Justforlaughs · 14/12/2013 12:59

I think YABU as well, getting that drunk isn;t my idea of a good night out anymore and DH does it once in a blue moon, he gets no sympathy the next day (doesn't expect any) but I think everyone is entitled to let their hair down once in a while. As long as one of you is capable of taking care of your child, and it's not always the same one who feels forced to do so (so YOU feel like you CAN'T go somewhere, do something at times) then it's fine. Different if it's a regular occurance and looking after the baby is ALWAYS seen as your job.

tabulahrasa · 14/12/2013 13:02

I don't think being out and getting drunk is the problem.

Not being able to contact him and the fact that he's more bothered about his hangover than that you had to take the baby to the doctor's last night are.

fatlazymummy · 14/12/2013 13:22

It's up to you to decide really.
Personally I don't like drunken people in my house, round my kids (that includes myself). I suppose once a year would be just about forgiveable).
I certainly couldn't and wouldn't tolerate any more than that.
I would wonder why he didn't seem interested in your baby being ill. I would have thought that would have over rode being drunk (short of being unconscious).

Original poster

lem31 · 14/12/2013 13:25

Pre baby we have had issue with this as his whole weekend is a write off now. He is good for nothing but lying in bed moaning. Let alone helping me with the baby. Iwas also up most of the night with poor ds and his coughing so not in the best of moods! I just wouldn't go out and get so drunk or out of communication so I didn't know what was happening. I think the fact I couldn't get hold of him annoyed me, then him being so unconcerned this morning just riled me..
Ds has had a few problems since birth and he has been rubbish at visiting us in hospital or taking much of an interest. I just don't think he really thinks about it the same way I do.
It also annoys me that we had plans today we have had to cancel and he is away until Xmas eve after this weekend so he has written off his last time with his son for over a week.
It isn't the going out that bothers me, I think its the fact he can absolutely forget about us when he does and not consider any consequences to getting that drunk.

OP posts:

whereisshe · 14/12/2013 13:31

This is his son that is ill. You spent all of last night looking after the baby, so now it's his turn. If I were you, when your son is having a nap I would inform your husband that you're going out, and don't come back until about 5pm. Go shopping or something. Even better, meet a friend for dinner and come back later in the evening. Fair's fair, he went out and had fun, now it's your turn.

(disclaimer, yes I know this is faintly childish, but if you don't let him shoulder the full burden of childrearing occasionally how will he learn?)

Nanny0gg · 14/12/2013 13:36

I think there is way more to this than him getting drunk last night...

samandi · 14/12/2013 13:44

It doesn't sound as though he thinks of the kid as his own.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 14/12/2013 14:01

There's nothing wrong with going out when you're a parent. However getting wasted and coming home and having a hangover when you've got a child to look after is not on. If I go out I drink a bit but I don't get drunk (those days are long gone!) as I know I have a toddler to look after the next day. I'll be tired but that's it.

Not asking about him being ill is unacceptable. If I'd have had to take DS to OOH my DH would have been home in an instant.

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/12/2013 14:15

Oh fgs there is no reason to go out and get that sloshed. Haven't we all been there done that in our teens? Why the need to carry it on. It's not big or clever or remotely fun. It's pathetic and selfish and leaves them useless for days to come thanks to tiredness and hangovers.

It's perfectly easy to go out and just have a few and just as fun to remain relatively sober. No hangover, and shock horror you remain capable in an emergency. Fancy that.

He's being incredibly selfish op

I'm so sorry about your Ds I hope he recovers soon. Cannot believe he's been so casual about it and not even asked :(

formerbabe · 14/12/2013 14:16

My dh still goes out drinking occasionally...it doesn't bother me. If he went out every night and got smashed I would be pretty pissed off but every now and then is hardly the end of the world.

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