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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think sil & family inviting themselves when I'm 38 weeks pregnant

22 replies

Pidgy · 14/12/2013 06:54

I'll be 38 weeks pregnant at Christmas so we've decided to go to my parents for the few days over Christmas.

We don't get to see my pil very much as they live a flight away. However they do get to see their other grandchildren living in England a lot as they travel over and stay with them(& to be fair my sil travels to stay with them a lot). They rarely drive the extra 3 hours to see us and my DS which does upset me but that's life. (I'm accepting that mil does play favourites).

This year I hear that my pil are travelling over to spend Christmas with sil and her family. They are staying for well over a week (having recently stayed for 3 weeks so it's not like they haven't seen them for a while). I thought it would be nice if my pil came down to us for a night or so, so invited them both down for a mini Christmas so we can exchange gifts and spend some time together. I invited them before anything was finalised and before they had booked any tickets - so it's not like I'm jumping in ruining any plans.

Get a call yesterday from sil saying they'd also like to come down but that they'll stay in a hotel to make it easier. I said I wasn't sure, and we 'd think about it, and now having spoken to mil she hinted they wouldn't come unless sil, her husband and their 2 children were coming too...for fear of upsetting sil!

Any other time I'd say yes, but I'm very tired as it is with the pregnancy and a toddler. Yes, they'll stay the night in a hotel but they'll be with us all the days and they are not well known for 'helping out'! Not sure I can take the stress and mess and extra cooking so close to the babies due date.

I also thought it would be nice for DS And DH to see the pil on their own as when sil is about, her brood seem to take over and my mil basically looks after them, spending no time with my DS (this is a whole other issue!!).

Am I being unreasonable to say no to sil and her family?
Told my mil yesterday that if she didn't want to come then basically not to bother, and that I felt if the tables were turned none of us would dream of transcending on sil 2 weeks before she was due! (Mil does everything when she's there so she prob wouldn't care, but out of principle we wouldn't go!)
Not sure if I'm just being a hormonal Scrooge!!

OP posts:

Finola1step · 14/12/2013 07:07

YANBU. But why are you dealing with this? It's your dh's family. Let him deal with them and sort it out.

Flibbedyjibbet · 14/12/2013 07:09

Ooh this sounds very tricky and messy. I know you'll get lots of people come on here who are really strong and brave saying "tell 'em to sod off, your very pregnant body, your house, your choice" but I could never be that brave.

In truth I would let them all come as I'm not great at saying No and probably do things for an easier life however I would be well able to say. "You are all very welcome but do remember I will be a fat waddling sofa bound hostess. Food will be sandwiches and crisps and you'll have to muck in to prepare those ha ha ha"

I always add a fake laugh at the end to soften things

Bakerof3pudsxx · 14/12/2013 07:09

Yanbu

However I would not be inviting anyone at all at 38 wks pg. largely because I know I could not be arsed with them and would likely kill them

SteamWisher · 14/12/2013 07:12

Well to your SIL she's actually been quite good by saying she'll stay in a hotel....

So part of me thinks YABU - and if they don't help then get your DH to do the running while you sit down.

pianodoodle · 14/12/2013 07:15

I'm 38 weeks at the minute and wouldn't be especially keen on a houseful either!

It is tricky because they're staying in a hotel to make life easier but as you say they'll be there all day and they make work for you..

Would have been easier to not invite anyone but probably too late for that now!

What does your husband think? Could he sort it out?

HaveAFestiveLittleChristmas · 14/12/2013 07:15

I don't think you are being unreasonable (given the inferred history) but I do think it will be perceived as unreasonable.
SIL obviously considered the "too much for you" aspect, hence the offer to stay in a hotel". They haven't considered the stress of having people you don't much care for, in your home all day. Or the additional catering etc.

I would take the straight forward, honest, approach, and just say that you would like to spend one-to-one time with the IL's as you see so little of them. That's not offensive, and easy to understand.
That said - you say that you have already said your piece, so its all a bit past the point now?

WelliesandPyjamas · 14/12/2013 07:18

It sounds like your mil would love to take the opportunity to have all her grandchildren together :) and perhaps it might even help improve relations between everyone. How about agreeing on condition everyone helps out, with your late pregnancy being the obvious 'excuse'? It could be lovely.

Geckos48 · 14/12/2013 07:19

I would suggest exactly the opposite and have your DH and toddler go and stay with them for a weekend and leave you to watch crap on telly and have long baths.

Original poster

Pidgy · 14/12/2013 07:36

Thanks for all the responses! It is tricky!

Usually I would love to have them all over as it's lovely for the cousins to get together, but I'm really not that good at just sitting down and letting others get on with it. (My fault I know).
I know ill end up cleaning and cooking loads and generally feeling knackered and resentful.

I really like my sil and I'm sure she just wants us to all get together, but she's much better at delegating to others. (Her mum!) than me! I do appreciate the offer of the stay in a hotel but it would still be lots of work in the day, and even if we went out for food it would be expensive and not something I want to be spending money on now. This December has already proved expensive!!

Ideally I just wanted pil to come down to spend some time with us and DS before his new baby sister arrives. Tbh, wasn't expecting sil to want to come down!

Going to get DH to call sil today to try to sort it...might suggest Easter at ours?! Will (hopefully ) feel more like hosting then.
I'm sure I'll get a reputation in the family for being difficult, but if you can't make demands when 38 weeks pregnant, when can you !!?

OP posts:

Original poster

Pidgy · 14/12/2013 07:37

Geckos....liking that idea! :-)

OP posts:

HoFuckingHoFuckingHoneydragon · 14/12/2013 07:49

You could be a bit sneaky with this one and appeal to MiL through her ego and emotions.

"Mil, there is no nice way way to say this, but as you know I'll be very pg, although normally SiL and brood would be very welcome any other time, I am going to be full term pg. I have a relationship with you I don't with SiL, and if I was to go into labour would be ok with that happening when you were here, as would dh. I realise though that SiL is your daughter so that's fine if you don't want to come this year. After all I'm not going to be due to give birth every Xmas. And right now I'm sure you appreciate that we need to keep things nice and comfortable and secure for your dgs too."

Puts the ball firmly in her court then

Jaynebxl · 14/12/2013 07:56

Or maybe just say that as much as you love sil and want your ds to be close to his cousins, you also feel it would be nice to have pil to yourselves and for ds to have a bit of time just to bond with his gps before baby comes and changes his life for ever.

frustratedashell · 14/12/2013 07:59

What if baby arrives early? No way would i have them over. They are being selfish. Easter sounds a good idea. Good luck!

Splatt34 · 14/12/2013 08:02

This is your DH's family? Get him to deal with it. does he want them all to come? If so, he needs to do the cooking & cleaning. He needs to spell out to them if and when they need to leave. If he only wants his parents to come HE needs to tell SIL.

formerbabe · 14/12/2013 08:50

I think the problem here is that you say they are not good with helping out. If they were, it could be fab, they're not staying and could cook, keep your toddler company while you rest but instead it sounds like you will have to be the hostess with the mostess! I have been there with a toddler/newborn and expected to cook, clear up and host. I wish I had told them all to sod off. I would tell your dh they are his family, so you expect him to do the catering.

TwerkingNineToFive · 14/12/2013 08:57

Get a take away (get everyone to chip in) And learn to sit on you're arse and let others do things.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 14/12/2013 10:16

Agree with takeaway food. Also get in plenty of stuff for sandwiches. Put everything on the table, everybody makettheir own. Delegate everything to your DH.

Also have your DH and DS meet them in the hotel for some of the time. Is their a soft play place locally, have your DH bring them all there, should be nice for all the children. You do not need to be present all the time. They are your DH family. Let him look after them, and use the time to rest and relax.

sonu678 · 14/12/2013 10:23

I think that the fact that you are 38 weeks along, rather than say 28 weeks is actually better.
Have them all over and insist they do all the cooking and cleaning. sit back, put your feet upa nd let someone else sort it all out. You have the perfect reason not to do anything more than you feel up to.

when I was 38 weeks, we moved house, it wasnt as bad as it sounded because family came andhelped me, because I was 38 weeks along. at 39 weeks, in brand new house dh's friend came to stay for a week. Normally I owuld do four course dinners and big breakfasts for him, but at this tage, I fed him frozen fish and chips, and he ate it with a smile, and stacked the dishwasher for me when I asked.
Take control op. Its all possible.

Canthaveitall · 14/12/2013 10:31

Yabu and a tad precious. You are pregnant not ill. Seeing as you've invited the pil and they are staying with sil I don't think you can expect sil not to come.

Canthaveitall · 14/12/2013 10:37

Just get easy food in get your husband entertain them. Don't be apologetic or a martyr. Simple.

Canthaveitall · 14/12/2013 10:38

Yabu and a tad precious. You are pregnant not ill. Seeing as you've invited the pil and they are staying with sil I don't think you can expect sil not to come.

gobbynorthernbird · 14/12/2013 10:51

You say you're not good at delegating or letting others chip in, but they're no good at helping out. You have to be more assertive here. It sounds like they will help if given the ok, so just ask them. When I have houseguests they make their own drinks, know where the dishwasher is, get asked to help clear the table, etc. If my DC were still little they would also be asked to amuse the DC while I showered, cooked, or anything else.
It's a nice idea for them to all come, and could build some bridges. Don't be martyr to your guests, though. Tell them if you're tired and need a break, have some activities in mind so they can all go out for a few hours. Give them chores to help you out.

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