Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To ask FIL to reduce his visits?

21 replies

Wikkiwoo · 13/12/2013 22:14

Firstly, I feel so bad posting this - I'm not sure why I'm posting in AIBU because I know I am.

A bit of background - MIL died 4mo ago, it was very sudden and upsetting for all of us. To make it more difficult, DH is an only child so other than FILs 2 sisters and elderly mother, we are FILs main support. Therefore, FIL visits often (4-5 visits per week, 1-2 hours per visit)

Although I have always found this difficult, especially as the timing is never great (when DSs are going to bed, during meal times) but I have just got on with it and kept DSs up a little later, made the meal spin out for an extra plate etc.

But 4 months later and I am finding it really difficult. Especially as I have recently increased my hours at work to full time. When I come home from work I want to be able to get a bath when I want to, wear pyjamas, take dogs for a walk and more importantly spend precious family time with DSS etc but I can't because 3 night during the week ( plus 2 visits at the weeknd) FIL will turn up, often unannounced.

It would be easier if when he came he sat and played with DSs etc and just made himself at home so that me and DH could go about family life as usual. But instead, he wants to sit down and chat to DH and I about how he is feeling, his thoughts, emotions etc. I almost feel like a counsellor.

It's so difficult, because I really don't want him to be sat at home alone, but on the other hand I want to come home and be able to relax.

AIBU if I ask FIL to visit less frequently and perhaps have set days and times?

OP posts:

Annunziata · 13/12/2013 22:16

Your poor FIL, he sounds so lonely.

harticus · 13/12/2013 22:16

YABU - he is VERY recently widowed and needs support.
How would you feel if you were in his shoes?

xCupidStuntx · 13/12/2013 22:17

I completely understand how frustrating it must be for you but please please don't say anything to him for the moment. Grief and loneliness is so difficult. Play it by ear, maybe visit him once or twice a week instead.

MortifiedAnyFuckerAdams · 13/12/2013 22:18

Not UR but I would word it along the lines of wanting to help him. So..

"FIL, the boys love to see you at bed time but its a mad rush round for us, and I feel guilty not be able to set aside.some real time to chat. Why not pop round for a couple of evenings to see the boys and on X night, stay a little later and ill make us a nice dinner and we can properly sit and listen without the little ones getting in the way"

coffeeinbed · 13/12/2013 22:19

Can you get him to walk the dog?

Chippednailvarnish · 13/12/2013 22:22

4 months = 16 weeks. Not exactly long is it?

rootypig · 13/12/2013 22:23

Approach it sideways? Talk to DH about how you can help FIL move forward - does he have any interests he can turn into socialising? Does he have any interests or skills he can share with your DC so he can sit and mess about with them? Does he need a proper counsellor? Also this is DH's father - is he doing enough? Maybe he could arrange to meet FIL for a pint once a week?

And YANBU, work and family life is draining, don't feel guilty or needing downtime.

Moggy72 · 13/12/2013 22:23

Tough one ...but can you try and involve in family life? Is he active enough to walk the dog for you ? Ask him to read the bedtime story to the kids. Whilst he feels the need to talk, it probably would help him if he got distracted ?
Could you ask him to babysit the kids once in a while, and you and DH could go for a quick drink ? Essentially make use out of him and make him feel useful.
I would not discourage him from coming round. It would be devastating for him to feel rejected.

Pancakeflipper · 13/12/2013 22:24

He is lonely and you know that. But your home life is suffering. I think things will improve but you may need to help him.

Perhaps you invite him twice a week and your DH goes to see him at his home twice a week?

Has he any interests that have committees/clubs attached to them like history, bowls, swimming, walking, gardening, rotary club, community groups etc.

I know a few older people now widowed have joined our gym and do a class, go for a swim, then meet for coffee after. They spend the day there!

Churches often have meetings like men's breakfasts where there is guest speaker ( not about God often sport/media/community) which might help him to use his time and mix with others.

Fukeit · 13/12/2013 22:25

yanbu.

I wouldn't say anything yet, but I would change your behaviour when he visits. Get on with your jobs, don't feel like you've got to sit with him all evening. Tell him to play with the children for a while.

See how it's going in the new year. Christmas will be hard for him.

Can you encourage him to make contact with his friends, Hobbies, the pub?

ExitPursuedByAChristmasGrinch · 13/12/2013 22:26

Walk a mile in his shoes.

And then talk to him.

Mrswellyboot · 13/12/2013 22:30

Sorry to hear about your mil. Very hard time. I wouldn't say anything just yet op, being honest.

But it is very hard. I like my own space in the evenings too. What I would probably end up doing is saying to him to relax there (on sofa or in kitchen, give him the paper) and carry on putting children to bed. Maybe give him some little jobs but don't push him away,

I feel for you though

parakeet · 13/12/2013 22:32

You are in a hard situation, but it is much harder for him don't forget.

Maybe it would help if you altered your behaviour and mindset around him. Why can't you walk the dogs? Why can't you have a bath? I don't even see why you can't wear pajamas.

rootypig · 13/12/2013 22:33

Good post moggy. I also think encourage his involvement with DC. Do they do clubs or sports he could take them to?

Original poster

Wikkiwoo · 13/12/2013 22:36

Thank you for all your kind words. Yes, you are right, I will have to change my behaviour when he comes and continue with jobs, get a bath etc and I will definitely have to put DSs to bed on time. I went to see DS1s nativity yesterday and he yawned most of the way through it but hardly surprising when grandad didn't leave until 8:40

OP posts:

harticus · 13/12/2013 22:37

He is not "just" lonely he is bereaved.
There is a massive difference.
Being herded off to various social events is not what bereaved people want while they are coming to terms with what has happened.
Having to put on a social face when your world has caved in is agony.
It is only 4 months after all.

Moggy72 · 13/12/2013 22:40

Wikiwoo - one of my twins fell asleep in the nativity ! I have a picture where he is yawning and then another where he is asleep ....

diddl · 13/12/2013 22:41

I think that you & your husband need to carry on doing what needs to be done whilst he is there.

It maybe helps him just to not be in his own house alone.

Moggy72 · 13/12/2013 22:42

Wikiwoo - one of my twins fell asleep in the nativity ! I have a picture where he is yawning and then another where he is asleep ....

rootypig · 13/12/2013 22:47

Get him to put the kids to bed! Surely he can do bedtime story. Sounds kinda nice.

mer74 · 13/12/2013 22:55

i don't think OP is being unreasonable, she's clearly got sympathy for what he's going through, and has been patient/is still understanding

however, this is coming at a significant cost to her quality time with the family, at an especially stressful time when she's just gone back to FT work - it's easy to condem but we're all only human and we have our limits about what we can "give". too many women don't realise they're giving so much of themselves away, there's nothing left over - you can't sustain that over the longer term.

rather than focus on that, though, i think the poster who mentioned supporting him right now and helping him to explore ways of moving on is the best way to tackle this (is there a hobby you can support with? a charity that was dear to his late wife that he can volunteer at? a local social event he'd be interested and welcomed at so he's using the family less as a single crutch?)

it does need to be tackled though, as OP clearly can't support this level of being a crutch for much longer - and it wouldn't be healthy to do so. the FIL needs support and encouragement, but not this as the status quo to the point it becomes the norm

OP, this is perhaps not the same thing, but i went through something similar (or at least, has similar points) when my FIL retired - for about six months the same sort of behaviour, it was like he replaced our family time as his new "work" (I was at home for most of that year, so he was pretty much at ours the entire day). i love him dearly, and in many ways i'm close to him than my own father, but there's a limit to what you can give both emotionally and logistically. sounds trivial, but i found that when my FIL was at ours every day of the week there literally wasn't any point where i could get to the bottom of the washpile - i ended up being in "we have visitors" mode throughout the week, and having to catch up in the evenings... which defeated the purpose of 1 of us staying at home, if DH had to come in only to find a "SAH" W stressed out because the wash load for the DCs the next day hadn't been done! it was exhausting, basically. in the end my problem was resolved as FIL naturally got more into his allotment club thing, and now he's gone back to a middle ground between pre-retirement visits and post-retirement visits, which i can cope with. i should have nipped it in the bud sooner, or DH should!

Flip