How do I deal with toxic mum wanting to send DD christmas presents?

[Famzilla]

Not an AIBU sorry, but posting here because I have posted here a lot about my mum before. I went NC with her about 6 months ago after a whole lifetime of emotional abuse, bullying, gaslighting etc. It all came to a head when my baby was born and I didn't do everything the way she wanted. She then turned up at my wedding venue and changed everything, I ended up getting married without telling anyone. She threatened to come to my house and hurt me in front of DD.

Anyways, she has never once taken any responsibility for her actions and our "fallout" was not pretty. I couldn't carry on though, being controlled, terrified of her temper tantrums, purposely failing things so she didn't accuse me of thinking I was "better than her".

After blocking her from contacting me and getting the police involved I have slowly been coming to terms with everything.

Today she texted DH from a new number asking where to send DD's Christmas presents to. I feel like I can't win now. If he doesn't text back all the abuse from my whole family will start again and if he does she has won and I will have to be "grateful", and have I "gotten over this silly thing yet".

I miss my family (well, my dad) terribly but I know having them in my life does more harm than good. How can I deal with this in a dignified way?

I think all you can do is to maintain a dignified silence and ask your DH not to respond to her. If your family are conniving in her misdeeds then you might also want to consider whether to dial back contact with them, too, as this doesn't sound like a healthy situation for you or your family.

how old is your child? old enough to know/undertand or not? I would be tempted to let her send gifts and then donate them to a charity.

Sorry, should have said. I am NC with my dad and brother too, dad is terrified of her and my brother has learning difficulties so very dependent on them.

DD is only a baby so will have no idea what's going on.

Give his or your work address. Or ask a friend to take the parcel for you

Don't reply, if you do reply she may think things are ok and things could escalate. I understand Christmas is a difficult time of year when families aren't quite like on the adverts. Enjoy your babies first Christmas.

Thanks for your replies, you are right. I need to just ignore. She knows where I live anyways, so the message just seems like a thinly veiled attempt to play the victim and make me/everyone else feel sorry for her. I mean not only have I stopped her seeing her only grandchild but I won't even allow her to send her a Christmas present..

She is incredibly good at making me responsible for her emotions. And even now I feel guilty and sorry for her. I guess this time of year doesn't help either, although we'll have a full house of DH's family (who I get on with really well) and obviously DD's 1st Christmas so that'll be lovely. Just have to keep my shit together!

I'd be tempted to let my husband reply - I'm not forwarding any of your messages to my wife. She has made it clear to you any attempt at contact will be taken as harassment. This includes me and my family. If you contact me again, I will get police involved.

Hello I just wanted to say I really feel for you I have a sister like this, crying to anyone and everyone how much she loves me but her actual actions tell a very different story.

I have had to also let her go and yes its painful, but I cant spend my life being a martyr to her fucked up personality and thereby ruin my own life...like you the tinest bit of contact and its flood gates of usually - abuse.

you have DC to think of now....its so so hard

She is a narcissist and when reading up about NPD the route mainly is NC.

my knobheadded father sent presents for my children which went from the postman straight into the bin.

don't reply and don't "entertain" any communication from her. therapy (and a nervous breakdown, unwanted!!!) helped me hugely - are you talking to anyone? it took me 10 years to get over my mother. (unfortunate enough to have a complete shit as a father too but he's so much easier to ignore). good luck :):)):):)):

I'm much more grabby when it comes to my child!

I'd reply back with bank details of an account for DD and say "she has more than enough presents thanks, if you feel the need to give something. Money for the future would be best"

And no you don't need to feel grateful for anything. And it will rob her of being able to send gifts and look bountiful and you won;t have to give her address.

Ignore, ignore, ignore

Please ignore, my Mum sent my DD birthday presents after we went no contact. We refused delivery and the PO eventually sent them back. Don't let her worm her way back in. It is painful but 3 years in it is the best decision I ever made.

Do not accept any gifts or engage other than for your husband to reply simply that there will be no contact. I think if you just ignore she might try something as she might think you are wavering. At least you have your husbands family.

If you really want her out of your life for good, then you don't want those presents.

Just ignore. I don't speak to my mother either, but I'm vindictive and if she did ever send anything, I'd smash it up and dump it outside her door