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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking DP should be abit kinder to his dad being as its christmas

23 replies

MaryMaryChristmas · 13/12/2013 21:29

name changed for this.

DP's dad is in his 70s, but he's 'old for his age' and walks with a stick, can no longer drive. DP's mum died a few years ago before our DS was born, she was a lovely lady.

Anyway DP is the only one of his siblings that live in same village as his dad. his sister lives about 40 mins drive away and although its possible to get there on public transport obviously theres none on christmas day. We're not sure where his brother is as we've not spoken to him for a number of years and TBH he's just a waste of space.

The thing is when they were growing up DP's dad was a complete bastard of a husband and father, he used to knock them all about, use all the money for gambling etc, steal off his wife and kids etc etc so not a nice man.

Anyway now he's a frail old man and on his own last year i suggested inviting him for christmas dinner and DP was really against it so it didn't happen. I think he has Christmas dinner with a neighbour who is also on their own so he's not alone as such.

Part of me feels really bad that he's now a frail old man and we're family on his doorstep but don't invite him round for christmas and he's never even been round for a meal at another time of the year (I've been living with DP over 14 years), from someone looking from the outside without knowing the full facts we must look so cruel.

but then another side of me kind of thinks that 'you reap what you sow' and its almost like his payback for the years he was a complete bastard to his family.

My mum is also on her own, although not frail and slightly younger and she spends loads of time with us and will be spending christmas.

Obviously i've got to go with DP's wishes on this one as its his family but AIBU in feeling abit bad about it all.

OP posts:

tweetytwat · 13/12/2013 21:34

My dad is a widower who lives alone.

I won't be inviting him for Christmas because he is an arsehole and I wouldn't take kindly to DH suggesting that I should TBH.

He knows his dad better than you ever will, luckily for you. Yes it is a shame, but old people don't become nice just because they are doddery.

Theknacktoflying · 13/12/2013 21:35

Unfortunately, the 'normal' rules usually go out of the window when it comes to family.

You can feel sad about it, worry about what others must think of you, but sometimes things are best left

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 13/12/2013 21:36

I'm inviting my dad because he's a loving dad and grandad.

No way would I invite anyone who wasnt nice to me - happy grudge holder here. I wouldn't feel guilty either.

tracypenisbeaker · 13/12/2013 21:37

Agree with tweetytwat. It's very easy to envision a sweet old man on his own at Christmas time and feel bad about it, but you need to accept your DP's feelings about this.

Ceasre · 13/12/2013 21:38

I am on the fence with this one. My dad was a complete bastard and made mine and my mums lives miserable with his drinking. When I was younger I hated him. But as I got older I just felt sorry for him and if he was still alive he would be nearly 70 and I probably would have him here Christmas day. My mum hates him and I know that when she dies if I dare put her anywhere near him she will come back and haunt me, but I have mellowed. But ultimately it is your DP's call.

Itsjustapuppet · 13/12/2013 21:41

When you've been knocked about and stolen from, maybe then you can make the decision for your DP. Never underestimate how a horrible childhood can stay with you.

farrowandbawlbauls · 13/12/2013 21:41

when they were growing up DP's dad was a complete bastard of a husband and father, he used to knock them all about, use all the money for gambling etc, steal off his wife and kids etc etc so not a nice man.

Read this again and imagine if it was your father who did all this to you and your family. Would you want to be around them again?

I'm with your DP on this one. Old and frail or not, you make your bed and you lie in it, just as you said in your OP.

I know you understand it and you are not unreasonable to feel a little bit sad, but think about that sentence and see if you still feel bad. Your DP will still be very angry with him, as you would be too.

Flisspaps · 13/12/2013 21:42

YABU, but I see your reason for thinking the way you do.

But perhaps he should have thought about this when he was busy being a knob to his wife and kids.

budgieshell · 13/12/2013 21:43

Your poor partner, sounds like he went through hell as a child. He now deserves happier times. Who cares what other people think your only concern should be for your partner. I hope you both have a wonderful Christmas and a very happy new year.

Original poster

MaryMaryChristmas · 13/12/2013 21:48

thanks all for the comments like i said i know i have to go with DP on this one anyway. TBH i don't feel particulary comfortable around the man anyway so if it was my choice to have him round then it would be more out of duty then actually really wanting him here

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 13/12/2013 21:48

Think of the miserable Christmasses your DP had to endure as a child. I think he has the right to have a better Christmas now, without having to spend it with the man who caused him suffering.

To be alone at Christmas isn't half as bad as being with a father who treats you like that.

Chottie · 13/12/2013 21:53

There is probably a lot of stuff that went on that you do not know about too. I would not be inviting FiL around either.

farrowandbawlbauls · 13/12/2013 21:53

When it comes to family, I have learnt NEVER to do anything out of "duty". It puts pressure on you and your family, you will resent it and that person in time and the sense of duty will draw you back in time and time again, creating a vicious circle. Just do yourself a favour and don't get drawn in.

Original poster

MaryMaryChristmas · 13/12/2013 22:00

plus on a less serious note, he stinks of smoke.

DP smokes (goes outside) so its not like i'm not used to being around smokers but his dad the smoke somehow seems to be stale smoke within his skin and clothes and it makes me feel sick (i'm really painting a nice picture of him aren't i!)

OP posts:

Misspixietrix · 13/12/2013 22:01

^exactly what tweetytwat said. YNBU to feel a little bit bad about it all. Yet as you've said you're aware DP has his reasons it is a case of you reap what you sow. My Dad was a nasty piece of work to our DM. Who wouldn't now even piss on him if he was on fire give him a second thought. I had him stay for a short while when he moved. Despite DM protesting loudly. I found out the hard way too. He was incredibly nasty and cruel and I would now happily never see him again. He is ill and so I'm mean for telling him this behaviour isn't how you treat people etc. I've got to protect the DCs and able them that this is not how relationships with parents should be. I expect your DP is doing it for similar reasons. To protect you and any DCs. Also I found it incredibly hard to talk to my Dad now. You're DP probably does too and would rather he said no than bring a potentially toxic person into the family and spoil a lovely Christmas Sewell.

Dawndonnaagain · 13/12/2013 22:05

My mother's dh has health issues. Next year she will be on her own. She can fucking stay on her own too. I remember the christmases of being humiliated, the presents, a pair of socks, school uniform, a paperback. I remember the constant put downs, the housework, the washing (by hand), the shopping the cooking. How many ten year olds can cook a full sunday roast? I could. I'm 55. It never goes away, he sowed the seeds of discontent, he reaps a lonely old age. That's his fault, nobody elses and certainly not your dhs. Why would you put your dh through all those awful memories again?

Topaz25 · 13/12/2013 22:34

YABU, your husband is not obligated to spend time with his abuser just because they're related.

Topaz25 · 13/12/2013 22:35

*your partner

FryOneFatChristmasGoose · 13/12/2013 22:57

I can understand why you feel sad about it.

When I was little we had my dad's dad over for Christmas lunch. Once, and never again. It didn't go well, but I think my mum was in the same position you are now and wanted to be charitable. Dad was persuaded, but it was clear it had been a stupid idea.

The man was an abusive dickhead who beat all his kids. His wife, my grandmother, died when dad was only 10, and this arsehole somehow blamed my dad for this. Dad felt so guilty about it that a few years ago I obtained a copy of her death certificate which proved she dies of natural causes, nothing to do with dad.

My grandfather did the world a massive favour by dying.

Misspixietrix · 14/12/2013 07:56

DawnDonnaagain we can because we were made to too. :( I could go on but dont want to write an essay.

Fairylea · 14/12/2013 08:06

Yabu.

Family doesn't automatically get forgiven because they get old if they have been utter arseholes all their life.

It's between him and his dad.

Neither dh or I speak to either of our families, including mums and dads, for similar reasons.

ModreB · 14/12/2013 08:18

Topaz has it right. Your FIL is an abuser, why would you want to spend time with him, and why would you expose your DC's to an abuser, just because he is old?

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/12/2013 08:20

“The thing is when they were growing up DP's dad was a complete bastard of a husband and father, he used to knock them all about, use all the money for gambling etc, steal off his wife and kids etc etc so not a nice man.”

“from someone looking from the outside without knowing the full facts we must look so cruel.”

So not so bothered about "D"h's feelings, more about what the neighbours think?

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