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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To really hope MIL means it this time? (long, sorry)

22 replies

Danann · 13/12/2013 12:54

I've upset the MIL again so she got her latest boyfriend to call and shout at me, because I'm the worst DIL ever born and no one should ever have to put up with scum like me and therefore MIL is never ever going to speak to me again.

So as not to drip feed, MIL have an on-going argument about how the children and I have lives and that sometimes she will have to fit around other things, so if she announces she is gracing us with her presence at a time we are busy she will need to try and fit in with our plans.

Being the most terrible DIL ever, todays argument is because she came down to stay with SIL, who lives near me, for the week. She didn't tell me she was coming down til she got here on Monday, so I didn't know to arrange our lives around her for the week.

Monday, got a text at 2.30 saying she's picking DD up from school so called her and explained that a) the school don't know her so she cant pick DD up without me and b) we have the opticians straight after school, could she meet us after instead and I'll talk to the teacher so she could pick DD up from school another day if she wanted, big strop.

Tuesday was the school Christmas fair, invited MIL to the Christmas fair but she didn't want to go. Got a call Tuesday night 'can you keep DD off school tomorrow so we can go see Father Christmas?' No I bloody can't you can take her after school.

Wednesday, 3.00 MIL calls 'I cant get to the school for 3.15' my house is 20-25 minutes walk from school so I now have to run, get there about 2 minutes late having run, and MIL has already picked DD up.

Thursday, my parents came round for lunch then to the school carol service so we invited MIL to join us, got 'why the fuck would I want to go to that religious bollocks?' fine, I know it's not everyone's cup of tea. She then had a strop and told DH I wouldn't let her see DD. (DH knows what she's like so it didn't cause an argument but that's clearly what she was aiming for).

Today got a call at 10, 'I'm coming round to see DD' she's at school, ask MIL if she wants to pick her up with me this afternoon, she says she cant so I said she could come round for the day or take DD out tomorrow, she didn't know what she was up to tomorrow so I said 'that's fine, call me when you know what you're up to and we'll arrange something' 12.30 her boyfriend calls and starts screaming abuse at me!

So AIBU to tell her boyfriend to fuck off (DH hates him anyway) and to hope MIL means it when she says she'll never talk to me again so then DH can have the joys of trying to work round her demands? (I should add she's been calling me whilst DH's at work, he's not deliberately been leaving me to deal with it).

OP posts:

asmallandnoisymonkey · 13/12/2013 13:05

She sounds like a right charmer! The less you have to do with her the better I'd say.

Don't tell the bf to eff off. Just ignore them both like the insignificant twerps they are.

FandangoLaLaLaLaLaLaLaaaa · 13/12/2013 13:10

Christ on a bike YANBU but she'll never see it that way. You've done everything you can to accommodate her and it's never good enough. You can cross your fingers she follows through on the 'never speaking to you again' but I'm afraid you're probably not that lucky

girlywhirly · 13/12/2013 13:17

For your sanity, I hope she means it too! But she won't, because that would just be cutting off her nose to spite her face, and she wouldn't be able to be a pain.

YANBU, in fact I'd not contact her at all and see how long she can keep up the not talking to you. At least you don't have to speak to the boyfriend then. He doesn't sound like someone you'd want your DD to be around, I'd stop MIL from picking up your DD from school as well, what were they thinking letting her go like that?

CranberrySaucyJack · 13/12/2013 13:22

My father behaves in a similar fashion. Everytime he starts up, I block his number on my mobile for however many weeks it takes until I feel like speaking to him again.

If you don't want to engage with her, then just don't. Simples.

YouTheCat · 13/12/2013 13:23

Tell them both to fuck right off.

I'd go no contact.

Original poster

Danann · 13/12/2013 13:27

girly, I'd told the school MIL was picking DD up before she called to say she couldn't make it and I didn't have time to call them after MIL called me so as far as the school knew that was what we had arranged.

OP posts:

Original poster

Danann · 13/12/2013 13:29

I wish MIL could see everyone else thinks she's being unreasonable too, she thinks I'm just spoiled and awkward.

OP posts:

Yellowcake · 13/12/2013 13:34

My first thought was whether she and her boyfriend are people you would want your daughter anywhere near! From what you imply, he hasn't been on the scene long, but is already verbally abusive on the phone, which doesn't bode well, and is the latest of a succession of different boyfriends - given your MIL's poor judgement in other areas, I wouldn't be thrilled at the idea of several men I didn't know having contact with my small child, with MiL in charge.

You sound as if you have been perfectly accommodating, she sounds erratic, self-centred, rude and frankly, more than a bit rough.

NeedlesCuties · 13/12/2013 14:03

Does she treat SIL so appallingly?

Your MIL sounds like a total fecking fruitcake, and I've read some threads about rubbish MIL's. Yours takes the

Have you spoken to DD about how she feels about her MIL? Does MIL act normally enough around DD, or is she demanding of her attention and rude to her too?

Original poster

Danann · 13/12/2013 14:12

Boyfriend isn't visiting with her, she phoned him and whinged so he phoned me. MIL isn't allowed to introduce her boyfriends to DD until it's a serious relationship and I've met them a few times and said its ok, none of them have lasted that long yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

Danann · 13/12/2013 14:15

SIL and DD are treated like princesses and shes all nice and polite to me in front of people. DD loves her, if she was even slightly like this towards DD that would be the last time MIL went near her.

OP posts:

wowfudge · 13/12/2013 14:40

She and the bf sound awful. I put the phone down on anyone who is rude/abusive/swears at me and would advise you to do the same. If anyone behaved like that in my home, I'd show them the door. No reasonable person would behave like that.

From your post OP, it is clearly all about her and what suits her. A grandmother who wanted to see her grandchild would not pick and choose just what suited her. As for taking your DD out of school to see Father Christmas, that's irresponsible and shows she does not have the child's interests at heart: she just wants to impress her. Frankly it's pathetic. If she wants a relationship with your DD, she needs to learn to communicate civily.

girlywhirly · 13/12/2013 14:49

Ah Danann, I see. The boyfriend isn't exactly helping your MIL by abusing you down the phone line though.

You could always tell the school not to let MIL pick up DD in the future, and don't invite MIL to come with you, at least then you won't have a repeat of her suddenly deciding she can't get there in time.

I think you'd be a lot happier if you didn't have to factor in MIL and her demands and strops.

Kandypane · 13/12/2013 16:14

Maybe forward this thread to her. She sounds demented.

Justforlaughs · 13/12/2013 16:26

She sounds exactly like MY Mil!
You can't win, you will never win, and sadly they never mean it when they say that they won't speak to you again. My record was 5 months - but she caved before Christmas came. I refused point blank to make the first move/ apologise that time (whereas in the past I had always tried to mend any breach) and she did eventually make the first move. It's up to you whether you want to engage with her in the future - at least you have DH on board, whereas my DH just "wants to stay out of it" . I just want you to know I feel your pain, and have a on me!

Hissy · 13/12/2013 16:38

If either of them ever raise their voices at you, just say nothing, and immediately hang up. No argument, no space in your life, zip, nada.

Until she learns to behave, don't engage.

Tell her that too, just before you slam put the phone down on her.

FunkyBoldRibena · 13/12/2013 17:30

Stop inviting her to things and telling her she can pick your DD up; let her fit in with your plans. You need to manager her not let her manage you.

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2013 19:22

See, there's something I don't understand (bearing in mind I do get very upset on some MiL threads as I do think they aren't all as bad as they are portrayed.)

However - if someone treated me the way that you have been, I wouldn't care who they were, they would not be having access to my children.

If they can't treat me properly, they are not nice people and therefore should not be anywhere near my children.

Original poster

Danann · 13/12/2013 21:31

:) Justforlaughs, 5 months of her not speaking to me would be the best Christmas present ever.

OP posts:

NotALondoner · 13/12/2013 22:01

Her new boyfriend has yoyr phone number? Eek!

DoJo · 13/12/2013 22:19

I was thinking the same Nanny - one of the main reasons I have stayed NC with my father is because I don't want there to ever be an occasion where he has so much as an unsupervised conversation with my son, let alone a performance on the scale that you have had. How old is your daughter and what does she think about all this?

Tapiocapearl · 13/12/2013 22:21

Text her. If your boyfriend ever rings up and abuses me over the phone again, prompted by you, we will be disallowing contact for x months.

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