To feel sad that FIL has this attitude?

[Dancergirl]

We have 3 dds - aged 12, 10 and 6. SIL and BIL have 2 boys, 11 and 9. Dh and I live very close to SIL and BIL. My parents in law live a good hour away from both of us.

When they come up this way they seem to see the boys much more than our girls. Sometimes I don't know they're coming until after the event. Sometimes there's an attempt made to pop in to us but as we don't know about it in advance, we're often out.

I was chatting to FIL about this recently and he said he prefers socialising with the boys because they're boys and they have more in common, e.g. football etc. He says our dds don't 'respond' much to him or talk to him a lot. They are quite quiet but generally polite children I would say.

AIBU to feel sad about this? My own dad died many years ago so he's their only grandfather. Or is it typical of his generation?

YANBU to feel sad. I can understand if bonding with boys comes more naturally to him but surely that means he should make more effort with your girls, not less! Him being the grownup, and everything...

Yes, you'd have thought so!

I grew up without grandparents so I really wanted my dc to have a good relationship with theirs. He's not very hands-on even when his own children were small and I know I can't change him, but to prefer one set of grandchildren to another on basis of their sex doesn't sound right to me.

Sounds like your FIL is sexist.

His loss!

My FIL passed away a few years ago and my Dad is just simply not interested in playing Grandad. He does get on better with the boys when we see him but he doesn't ostracise the girls - he just doesn't really spend time with any of them.

My Dads Dad is much the same, my Mums Dad passed away when I was 9 and we had a very close bond which I would have loved my children to have had with my Dad but I know that at 12 and 8 my children are not going to get that - luckily my Mums stepdad has been an amazing Grandad and they have had awesome times with him. Got to love modern families lol

What about MIL? Would she not like to see more of her GDs?

I can see FILs point about finding it easier to socialise with boys - but that's not an excuse. Also i think it was a bit of a cop out to tell you about it. If he knows he'd doing it he should be addressing it - not making excuses.

Oh Dancegirl your post made me so sad

My exFiL is the same in his attitude. He was "disappointed" that DC was a girl although, to be fair to him, he doesn't show this to the DC themselves. I still remember the comment though and how it stung

YANBU at all!!

What about your MIL though? Does she also prefer "hanging out" with the boys? Stereotypically you'd think she'd rather be round her grandaughters.

Is it more a question that they favour DH's brother/sister (not sure which it is) over DH?

What about MIL? Would she not like to see more of her Gds?

She was more involved when they were little, they used to sometimes stay at their house and she would take them to a show or something. But now they're older they're not so keen to stay. Up till a few years ago, dd3 who's now 6, used to stay the odd night but she's not keen to stay without her sisters. It stopped being a treat for her, she felt she was being 'got rid of' for a few days.

I can't force them to stay if they don't want to.

MIL does come up quite a bit during the week to see her dd (my SIL who's got the boys). She used to tell me in advance if she was coming so she could pop in now, but she doesn't now. Sometimes I get a phone call from SIL's house 'are you in?' We haven't always seen eye to eye so maybe she's avoiding me, I don't know. But even if we don't get on, that's nothing to do with my dds relationship with her is it?

I think it is harder for mothers of sons to have a good relationship with their grandchildren if they don't get on with the DIL than it is for them to have a relationship with their own daughters children.

If that's the case for you, then your DH should be facilitating the relationship his children have with his parents.

It's worth remembering that when your mil visits your SIL, she is probably going partly because she wants to see her own daughter, not just her grandchildren, and you can't blame her for wanting to spend time with her daughter more than she wants to spend time with a daughter in law who she doesn't get on with.

YANBU to feel a bit sad about your fils attitude to your children, but I don't think it makes him a bad person. It's just that he has more in common with the boys than the girls, so they have more that they can share together and bond over.

Sorry, Ive made the assumption that your SIL is your MILs dd, and just realised that she might not be!

Yes she is woowoo

I totally get that, of course MIL wants to spend time with her daughter. But it's not unreasonable is it for her to phone beforehand and tell me she's coming up and can she pop in to see the girls? I'm not asking for 50% of her time when she's here, just a little bit.

Feck what MIL and FIL want (to a certain extent). They are adults and IMO as grandparents they have a responsibility to love and nurture their DGC regardless of gender.

My own grandparents were pretty useless and uninvolved in our lives and it hurts me to this day. Is awful for any child to think that their grandparents just aren't interested in them, and I feel sad for your lovely DD's.

If your MIL doesn't like you, then surely she could have the good grace to grit her teeth for the sake of the DCs - you could even go out for an hour and let her spend time with them in the house. Or she could visit when your DH is there to 'host' them.

YANBU to be upset, but chances are there's nothing you can do to fix it :(

It hurts when ils make their indifference clear. Mine emigrated because "there's nothing to keep us in England" 2 lovely sons and little granddaughters don't count apparently. Still their loss they are largely forgotten by my dds.