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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To discourage this friendship?

18 replies

Emilizz · 12/12/2013 21:35

My dd aged 16 has a large group of friends.

Lately one of them has been posting images of self harm on instagram/ facebook etc and making threats to commit suicide. This usually happens if she texts someone and they dont reply immeadiately. She tells them that its there fault for making her feel anxious/insecure.
This has obviously caused great distress to all the friends.

Several parents including me have approached her parents to tell them. They have dismissed it as tiredness, boredom and attention seeking because she feels her friends dont care about her ( eg: if they dont reply to texts immediately). Their response was to tell her to stop!!!!

My feeling is that there has to be real issues causing this behaviour but they say shes just tired. The mum texted me to say that the GP has diagnosed " physical exhaustion"

In the meantime this girl is now bombarding my daughter & the others with multiple text messages accusing her of talking to her parents about her, ignoring her and being disloyal etc. My dd has been crying all evening as she's starting to feel harrassed by someone that she regarded as a good friend.This is unusual as my dd is a very strong confident girl.

Im not sure whether to just discourage the friendship or to speak to the guidance counsellor at school as this girls behaviour seems very worrying and her parents seem to be dismissing it.

OP posts:

harticus · 12/12/2013 21:42

I think if I were in your shoes I would insist that my DD pulled back from this girl but wouldn't approach the school.
You have spoken to her parents about it - you have tried to help.
That is all you can do.

SolidGoldBrass · 12/12/2013 21:53

Poor kids - both your DD and this other girl. The other girl probably can't help her behaviour; it does sound as though she has mental health issues and needs help which her parents are unable or unwilling to get for her. But this is not your DD's responsibility. Your DD is only 16 and not a therapist or counsellor. Reassure your DD that it's OK to pull back from this friendship. Suggest to her that, if she does want to help her friend, she advises the friend to see her GP or the school counsellor if there is such a thing, but that it's OK to ignore texts or refuse to answer the phone if the girl is bombarding her with demands.

MammaTJ · 12/12/2013 21:56

I disagree, I would aproach the school, while encouraging your DD to distance herself.

This girl clearly need more help than her lovely caring friends are able to give. Her parents are in denial that she needs the help. The help has to come from somewhere, so school is the logical next step.

Clobbered · 12/12/2013 22:00

You can't possibly know the full story of what is going on with this girl, and it sounds harsh, but the reality is that you can only look after your own DD and support her in withdrawing from this potentially damaging friendship. You could explain to her that engaging with this friend's behaviour may actually make the situation worse by prolonging the upsetting interactions and that the girl needs proper professional help - she is beyond needing just a friendly listening ear.
Personally I wouldn't have a problem speaking to someone at the school about what is going on, as it is affecting your DD. You wouldn't expect them to discuss the other girl, but it's perfectly OK for you to give them the information and let them do with it what they will. If the parents aren't helping, maybe the school counsellor will be able to mobilise some other resources. What more can you do? It's horrible for your DD but you can reassure her that this is not a normal way for a friend to behave and that the girl is unwell and it is nobody's 'fault'.
Good luck...

Preciousbane · 12/12/2013 22:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BohemianGirl · 12/12/2013 22:10

I would approach school. They are the people best placed to pull in support workers, make referrals and talk to parents.

All pupils well being are the schools responsibility - and having your daughter in tears and worried because another pupil has MH issues just isnt going to go away without professional help

I would be taking screen shots and asking to speak to the Child Protection Officer

anotherchristmasnamechange · 12/12/2013 22:10

I disagree. I would talk to your dd about possibly setting some boundaries with her friend - encourage her to get help, and saying something like, "I want to be your friend, but this is too much for me to handle, and so I won't be able to respond to X, Y and Z (the behaviour that's unacceptable) any more. I think you need more help than I can give you, and I'll happily support you in getting that help"...then stick to that and simply not reply to the unacceptable messages.

maybe although difficult this is a chance for your dd to understand mental illness a bit better - that it is difficult to handle, but doesn't change who the person is underneath. And that people recover, and will need their friends even more.

I don't think talking to school is a bad idea, but I really hope someone will get the poor girl some help from someone qualified to help her :-(

anotherchristmasnamechange · 12/12/2013 22:20

Another way of looking at it - if this was your dd behaving inappropriately, how would you want her friends to respond?

greenbananas · 12/12/2013 22:23

I think you need to help your dd put safe walls around herself, and that this is a skill she will need as an adult
. She is not a counsellor and may even do harm by tryring to help. She needs to distance herself while reassuring her friend that she does care.

I agree that you should contact the school, and social services if necessary. This lass needs help.

Original poster

Emilizz · 12/12/2013 22:54

Many thanks for all the replies. Since I posted this my dd has shown me something that her friend friend has written that really illustrates how she's feeling. Feeling of depression and anxiety.
I explained to my dd that while she can support her friend, she doesnt have the expertise required to give her the treatment she needs and that she needs to tell her parents how shes feeling and accept help. My dd has texted her saying this.
Im going to show her parents a screenshot of what my dd showed me and if they dont get her the help she needs, I will contact the school next week in the interests of the girl and her friends who are getting very badly affected by this.

I want to teach my dd to be able to strike the balance between supporting a friend through tough times but at the same time feeling responsible for another persons anxiety etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emilizz · 12/12/2013 22:55

*not feeling responsible for another person's anxiety etc.

OP posts:

anotherchristmasnamechange · 12/12/2013 23:22

You sound very sensible and I think your plan is spot on.

MammaTJ · 12/12/2013 23:31

That sounds like a good plan.

Just do not allow your DD to be or feel responsible for this other girls well being.

MrsBonkers · 13/12/2013 04:30

Your plan sounds good.

I sometimes wonder if my school had got me the help I needed as a teenager, if my issues would have been minimised. (Now been on AD's for over 10 years.) My parents were either in denial or thought it was just a phase.

Loonytoonie · 13/12/2013 04:43

Good plan.

Contact her Head of a Year at school - they will be able to deal with all pastoral issues. We are currently supporting two year 10 pupils who are suffering from anxiety and depression. It's not uncommon.

claraschu · 13/12/2013 06:10

Your daughter sounds very sensible, and I think you are doing all the right things.

Be glad that this is a friend, not a boyfriend or girlfriend, so your daughter has been willing to talk, and able to accept that she can't deal with this on her own. We have a similar, but worse, situation with a girlfriend and I would do anything to get my son to be as wise, open, and sensible in coping with her.

BohemianGirl · 13/12/2013 06:17

Im going to show her parents a screenshot of what my dd showed me and if they dont get her the help she needs, I will contact the school next week in the interests of the girl and her friends who are getting very badly affected by this.

How would you know if the parents are getting her any help? I certainly wouldnt be discussing medical appts outside of immediate family and CAMHs appts take forever to come through.

School needs to know about this - it has the wellbeing of all its pupils to manage and cannot do that without the information.

The parents probably cannot afford private therapy whereas the school will have all manner of external agencies to come in and do interventions.

You need to get in touch with the CPO today

paxtecum · 13/12/2013 06:38

OP: Does your DD take her phone to bed with her?
Hopefully not, as the friend could be texting her and keeping her awake through the night.

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