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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed

15 replies

HowlingTrap · 12/12/2013 10:29

Its long I'll try and summarise,

I've had a very,very rough ride toilet training DS he is 4 and still wont poo on the toilet Blush and still has some accidents.
I have a history of depression and this has really pushed me over the edge to seek medication.
What makes this worse is peoples attitudes, that its obviously my fault, i'm obviously not trying hard enough etc ...in front of my children Angry
My DM and a family friend are the worst culprits to the point I avoid visiting my DM's house when she's there, my DM I can't really avoid , but is a real emotional vampire I feel tense in my back and everything a real drain on me.
Last night she came in , my DS had an accident wasn't in a great mood obviously getting him to strip his bottoms off and sticking him in the wash, making him put a towel to dry , part of his consequence is to help me clean up.
My started asking him why after me saying I had dome it already, I was clearly exhausted been looking after my disabled sibling, 3 meals for 5 different people in less than an hour and 1 year old and a 4 year old , and my DM was all 'well If I was mummy and daddy I would .....' I knew what was coming I went off to run my babies bath , she came following me into the bathroom "Now are you listening to me!" like I'm a 5 year old , I was rather inclined to say no, I've come here to get the fuck away, all of this Infront of my Children! Angry Angry
I said basically can you leave me alone and was getting closer saying "Don't get arsy" , not impressed at all she soon exited after I told her I was really not in the mood, I feel she crossed a line But I don't think she gets it, I feel like when her and my DH talk about it I'm essentially getting thrown under a bus , when I'm doing all the hard work.
Sorry long
AIBU to be annoyed at DM behaviour?

OP posts:
HarryTheHungryHippo · 12/12/2013 22:22

Yanbu

NeedlesCuties · 12/12/2013 22:26

What role has your DH taken in trying to toilet train your DS?

Is he any support in the practical aspects, and also in supporting your emotions?

greenbananas · 12/12/2013 22:38

Yanbu.

Children toilet train when they are ready. Some are ready sooner than others.

But it sounds like there is a more going on here. ..

Don't get upset about the poo issue. Your ds will get the hang of it soon enough. Do take care of yourself and try to shrug it all off when you can (e.g
"He will be toilet trained by the time he is twelve so I'm not all that worried" with a laugh and a dismissive smile.

anotherchristmasnamechange · 12/12/2013 22:44

Your poor ds - what does your hubby say about his mum making such an issue of it in front of ds? It sounds really humiliating for the poor boy.

My ds is older than yours and still not continent with his poos. It turned out to be an issue resulting from long term constipation, and he genuinely doesn't have the sensation of needing to go. I felt terrible when I was told this as I'd been getting so frustrated with him.

Have you had a word with your health visitor or GP? I would...try to get some plan of action before ds starts school. Don't let them assume it's behavioural without ruling out a physical cause (apologies if you've already been down this road) - have a look at the ERIC website, very informative about childhood soiling.

Meanwhile, YANBU about your MIL. I'd stop visiting if she can't manage not to make a big deal of it. It could have such effects on his self esteem, and it doesn't sound as though she is doing yours much good either. I really sympathise, it is soul destroying having to clean up accidents, wash clothes and sheets, day in day out, and manage it out and about. Without anyone suggesting it's down to you.

MammaTJ · 12/12/2013 22:45

part of his consequence is to help me clean up

Now I am saying this gently and with the best of intentions, this sounds like you are punishing him for something he has little or no control over. Not a good idea. Sorry, but I felt I had to say it. I hope that has not added to your upset.

I will repeat Needles question though, how is DH helping the situation? Is he, or does he just gang up with your 'D'M to allocate blame? If the latter, he needs a word in his ear and a boot up the backside.

DM needs her boundaries firmly in place and stuck to. Good luck!

anotherchristmasnamechange · 12/12/2013 22:46

Gosh, sorry, I'd misread your post and thought it was your MIL saying these things. Tell your mum that if she doesn't stop it you won't see her. Perhaps give her some information from the ERIC website??

anotherchristmasnamechange · 12/12/2013 22:48

I was given that advice by a health visitor - to make him take responsibility by cleaning up. I wish I hadn't.

LUKYMUM · 12/12/2013 22:54

Yanbu. I empathise because we have incontinence problems of a different sort. I wouldn't even allow your mum in. Either you respect me or you get lost. It's not easy but it makes you feel less like a hunted animal.

Regarding consequence. Our nurse suggested I do something like that. She said until he finds it inconvenient or uncomfortable he won't change. So she suggested I try to make him part of the solution.
I hope your dh begins to support you.

HerrenaHarridan · 12/12/2013 23:15

There came a point when my dd was just over a year old when I had to say to my mum
"If you don't stop criticising me in front of my dd your going to end up get lonely"

I appreciate that this takes some gumption to say and it took me a lot of frustration but by golly it has improved our relationship no end Grin

PeriodFeatures · 12/12/2013 23:37

I'm sure I read somewhere that we try to toilet train our children far too early in western culture and developmentally it is not usual for a child to be fully toilet trained until they are over 5. I.e, having some accidents is totally normal.

All that unsolicited advice is tedious at the best of times but when we are struggling and at a low ebb it feels like constant criticism. Don't take it personally, she is insensitive and for whatever reason seems to need to use every opportunity to assert she is the expert. God forbid that she might admit she ever found things difficult!! My DM has tried trying to give me advice, intervene and get me to listen to her 1950's parenting advice.

HandsOffMyGazBaz · 13/12/2013 00:28

My son was Potty trained for wee but just couldn't get the poo thing down. It was a vicious cycle of shame on his part and frustration on mine. It led to him trying to hold them in so he wouldn't have to go and that caused impaction and soiled pants through leakage. This went on till the age of six. I had all the well meaning advice, and non well meaning. gf book told me That I should get him to wash it out yoo. Finally my lovely doctor saidto me when I was nnearing a breakdown. .do you remember the sleepless nights? You thought they would never pass, but they did and this will too. Relax and don't make a fuss, he will get thetr.

And she was right, he did. He is seven now and it just clicked for him. Regular toileting and no dirty pants for months!

Yours will get there too. But tge added pressure of people breathing down your beck only adds to stress. I used a line that I learned on here on my mother who thought it was due to being spoiked. When she would ask me about his toilet habits, I would say very loudky, God you seem awfully interested in a small child's fecal matter, how weird! Gosh what an odd thing to ask about! ! She would usually change the subject!

But don't ever feel ganged up on by your dh, tell hin now you want an end to the inquisitions how he conveys that message to his mother is up to him.

Original poster
HowlingTrap · 13/12/2013 10:31

Just to clarify its my mother!

Thanks for the replies,

I would also like to clarify ,cleaning only ever goes as far as "right get a towel to put down then" cleaning poo etc I wouldn't entertain, spraying
etc.I will consider not doing it though,

he has had one of those well....constinence test, but is just free nappies with no test involved :S

OP posts:
milktraylady · 13/12/2013 10:57

Maybe you do need to tell your DM to back off? No harm in setting boundaries.

You sound like you are working really hard on everything, and with Xmas coming up you don't need any extra hassle.

Original poster
HowlingTrap · 13/12/2013 15:53

I know I feel like I'm about to crumble under the pressure

If I told I suspect she sould laugh it off and say stop being so silly.:(

OP posts:
LookingThroughTheFog · 13/12/2013 15:57

Oh you poor love!

No, you were absolutely not unreasonable to be annoyed that she followed you to lecture you. You were admirably restrained!

I know that it's a lot easier said than done, but you do not actually have to spend time with her if she's sapping your energy. You need that energy.

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