To be told when they're coming to visit

[nikkihollis]

DD & SIL have been married for 6 months. Today I found out from dd's MIL that dd and SIL are planning on coming up to visit after boxing day. The day after that they're going to see SIL's friend. Then they're coming back for another day. She's not sure which.

So SIL will have told his Mum what their rough plans are. DD hasn't bothered to tell me as yet. It's not unreasonable for her to have told me what they're planning to do and when, is it? If they're coming for a meal then I need to get stuff in beforehand. I'm on a low budget so don't want to buy stuff 'just in case' of visitors.

DD says she loves me etc etc and is generally sweet but often doesn't answer my weekly email (not even a one or two word reply) and doesn't phone often. I don't interfere, I include SIL in all emails and always say to pass on all my love to him, I send cards, presents and I send little presents just because I'm thinking of them. I make sure to spend exactly the same on them both when buying gifts etc. I don't whinge, I don't do emotional blackmail and I am positive, encouraging and not needy and never hint to be invited to stay or visit etc. I have been asked to visit once in 3 years.

I feel so hurt though that I generally find stuff out via DD's MIL who I really like. If I'm not being unreasonable then do I broach the subject with dd? I have a feeling if DD & SIL have kids then they'd like my help/support and have asked if I'd stay if they needed me to etc. How can I be 'good enough' to help out when they have a child when I don't seem worthy enough to be asked or considered much the rest of the time. Am feeling so sad.

Your DD is married to your SIL?

Aaaahhhh, son in law! I was thinking sister

Why not just phone her and ask?

Why don't you phone? Emails seem rather impersonal.
Why do you wait for an invite, instead of talking about it during an actual phone call.

I could phone and ask but don't want to feel as if I'm fishing for or expecting them to visit, esp as their first christmas as a married couple. They have been apart a lot with their jobs too.

There is such a thing as being TOO hands off though. Why on earth wouldn't you just phone and ask? Your very careful iteration of the way you make sure to treat them fairly makes it sound like you are in some way making up for something? For what? Disapproving of Sil?

Just phone and talk about Christmas plans, tell her it would be lovely to see her. Your her mum!

You're not "fishing for" sa visit. Just say - "are we likely to see you over Christmas at all?" or even "mil mentioned you were popping up over Christmas, but she wasn't sure when. Will you have time to come over to lunch one day?"

After all - you are saying you don't go to them because they don't specifically invite you, but you are expecting them to just announce they are coming to you... maybe they want to be invited?

My mum is retired and rarely calls unless something bad happens.
I do my best to call once a week if not once a fortnight but it is like pulling teeth sometimes. And then, guilt tripped because I haven't called.
I'm not saying you are like that, what I'm saying is I would love my parents to be more proactive so maybe that's the case with MIL?
And yes, just call her.

Oakmaiden I see your point. I think I'm just so scared of being an interfering MIL that I'm probably just too reserved and don't ask. You're right, I should just ring and ask. I will do that. I don't disapprove of SIL at all. He's lovely and they seem very happy.

I wouldn't take it too personally. I imagine they just have busy lives. I didn't always have time to answer emails or chat to my Mum in the week as was so busy. When on maternity leave I really enjoyed seeing more of her, not for childcare but to spend time together.

Just ask your DD what her plans are and say you'd really like it if you could chat more often.

Does she live far away?

Nicely they ARE both really busy. DD works full time in a demanding job. She has an immune system disorder that she takes really strong drugs for and the poor thing is always really really tired . She often gets home from work and just eats, does any work she needs to do, showers and goes to bed. She has to talk all day long at work and she'll phone me on the way home sometimes but I don't like to call her and for her to feel she has to speak when she's shattered.

They live down South and I'm in the North. They don't come over much at all to see either family so it's not like I'm left out. SIL's parents don't see any more of them then I do but SIL seems to tell his parents far more about what they're up to than DD tells me. When she's upset or has any problem though she'll phone and talk and talk. It's not like there's bad feeling (that I'm aware of anyhow) and we have loads in common and have the same sense of humour.

I just don't feel involved. But then as others have said, I don't invite them over and I don't ask them if they have plans to visit or ask if I can visit them. And I suppose it works both ways. I'd be delighted if they asked me if they could come and stay.

Do you text her? That could save her voice.

Yes I do send texts. Sometimes we'll have a volley of texts and then none for a couple of weeks. I text and email mainly so she doesn't feel she has to talk. At the weekends I know time with SIL is precious as they don't see much of each other in the week, so don't like to contact them much then. I send youtube videos I think she'll find funny or interesting too. Just little things to stay in touch but without tiring her out or intruding at the weekends.

She's your DD,just ring her.

I will ring.