I just need to rant!

[MrsShh]

Hello ladies I would just like to have a good old moan and hopefully I will feel better! My husband is really REALLY getting on my nerves lately and I need to vent.

We have been together for 9 and a half years, married for 2 and a half and have a 10 month (sniff sniff!) old bundle of joy. We are generally pretty happy and our characters compliment each other well. But just lately I don't know if he is being thoughtless or if I am just over-sensitive.

I am still on maternity leave, and he acts as though I am just sitting on my arse all day pleasing myself. He does not appreciate that looking after a crawling climbing poorly baby is not the easiest of jobs (and in fact it is MUCH more exhausting than my usual job!) and I am getting totally fed up of it. We have had the same row so many times I have just given up saying anything. He'll get home and if there is a pair of socks on the sofa he will make a big deal of putting them in the washing machine, or will huff and puff putting the glasses in the cupboard off the draining board (never mind the fact that it is ME who washed them and I usually do put them away too but didn't get chance today). I feel that he is not appreciating me what so ever.

He plays football a couple nights a week with his mates and works late another eve so it is usually me who sorts out our little one for bed. Tonight, however, I asked him to bath her for me. I have just got back from a few days away with my girl and my mum so I thought he might like to spend time with her. But why is it up to me to do it all? When he's home surely he should do something too?? Only ever if I ask him to do something. I am still breastfeeding at bedtime so I am the only one who puts her to bed, and this then means it's me who baths her and reads the stories. Don't get me wrong, she is such a funny little girl and I don't mind at all doing any of these things, hey I am her Mummy after all, I would just LOVE ten minutes to sit down on my own every now and again! I really don't think that is too unreasonable?? After all, he gets his 'boys time' don't I deserve a bit of 'me time' too?

He does love her and he is lovely with her when he is with her, I just don't feel he is pulling his weight in our household. I do realise he is out at work paying the mortgage, but he doesn't seem to understand my side. When I was working full time too we did an equal share of the housework ect but now I apparently have all day to do everything. I feel like I have lost my husband and partner and gained another child to tidy up after and have nagging me 'what's for tea?'. GRRRRRRR!!!

Sorry for the horrendously long post but I just need to moan. I know he's good really, just bugging me at the minute.
Thanks for listening ladies xx

no you arnt being unreasonable at all.

the thing is your life has been changed completely as you have had a baby, your off work and at home.

his life hasn't changed as much and added to that he sees you at home as a get out clause re housework etc.

he's not bathing her for you it's not your job you are both her parents.

can you have a girly day out? express milk and go out fit a shop and lunch. leave them to it and let him see it's not all easy but make sure you leave him chores to do as well not just playing with dd all day!!

when you go back to work he's going to have to step up to the plate so you may as well tell him that now.

Definitely arrange to leave her with him, a few times if possible.

DH used to be a bit like this. Since he has changed his job, he looks after DD in the mornings while I work, then I take over after lunch while he works. I still do more of the housework and DD care since he works more hours and so I am home more, but a) he appreciates that it isn't always easy doing housework with a little one in tow, especially if she's ill or teething. And b) he is more confident doing things with her, so at the weekends when we're both home I get the chance to have a shower or whatever without him shouting up every 2 minutes or DD crying for me.

Ah thank you both, made me feel so much better :-)!! You are right thebody that is what I keep saying, it isn't for me it is for her but somehow it is primarily my responsibility! I did try that, now we only feed first thing then at bedtime I thought I could have more freedom . I met up with a friend a few weeks ago and left LittleShh with her Daddy for the day. Although they both survived the house looked like a bomb had hit! Dishes toys and clothes everywhere, dog not walked... Oh my goodness ChronicallySick how much would I love to be able to just take a shower by myself sometimes!!! When I return to work he will be in charge of her on a Friday afternoon so I hope he too will see that sometimes it just isn't possible to wash and dry dishes or clean toilets if madam has been grouchy. However, I have a sneaky feeling he will leave all that for me and still be asking about dinner the moment I walk in through the door !

I'd remind him of that day. I'd also take a picture next time to remind him.

I'd also get him to read this: www.brucereed.com/Humor/AllDay.htm

On friday take detailed photos of every room in the house,

go away for a week come back the following friday, take photos

Sit down and compare the photos.

Oh and threaten/ promise death to anyone who comes over and bails him out.

Do it or you will be banging your head against the wall for many a year.

It something you have to experience to understand, you are doing him a massive favour as if he carries on thinking this way it will kill your relationship.

Who ever is looking after a baby or a child is doing a full time job, well if they are doing it properly.

It's up to you whether you are a doormat or not (please don't be) but decide fast because the patterns that are set in the next few months will continue for the next eighteen years.

Decide what kind of family you want to be involved in and maybe make some changes. Should only take a month to set a healthy pattern which will bed in and last forever (I'm old, I know this stuff).

Step one: write your DH a card (a nice one) which says "I'm so glad you're a loving father, a real Dad and not just a bloke with a kid - I know you'll really get it right".

And then...

1. Saturday morning: Tell DH that you are taking DC to the doctor for the MMR jab (or whatever - make it something controversial). When he starts asking questions just say "why do you want to know about any of this"? and when he responds "Because I'm her Father" you say "oh yeah, so you are" hand her over (or into a cot) and just vanish for five hours to the pub / spa / friends house / anywhere. Turn your phone off. He has his Mother's number.

2. Take up Netball (i.e. going to your mates house for tea and sympathy). If he plays football twice a week there is no way he can complain about you playing netball ("I want to get my figure back"). Make it regular, go and see you mates regularly (or just actually go and play netball if you fancy it) once or twice a week for a while and he'll soon get the gist of what it is to have a "babe in arms". Turn your phone off.
   I'm out - you're in with baby - this is this... Learn to love it DAD.

3. The mock weekend crisis...
   You're at home on Friday night, you get a call at 1am and you gush "oh no, oh no - really - oh no". You tell him your Father / Mother / Brother has been taken ill and you'll have to go and "be there" - no arguments - this is important to me. Then you take a sly weekend with your folks, your mates, (whatever) leaving Dad to actually grow into the role and when you return on Sunday night he can claim to be a hero for having kept a child alive for two whole days ! (keep your phone on).

Do these things (and stuff just like it which you will invent to leave Dad responsible for DC over a month or two and you will soon be living with a devoted loving Father and not a recently single bloke.

PS - tell him that his mate can change a nappy quicker and slicker than him and you'll have an expert on your hands within hours.

minimonty... laughing so hard, tears are running down my leg.

Minority.....I wish I'd read this when my baby (now 13) was little. Could maybe (just maybe) have saved my marriage.....

Now married to a great man and fantastic stepdad to my "baby"

Back up everyone telling you to get rid of the language of 'for you' you are equal partners sharing responsibility. He is being unreasonable, but in fairness no-one has any idea how difficult it is looking after kids on their own until they have done it. So it is only fair to him to rectify this situation asap Get a Spa day booked when you know he is free and let him know he will be taking over. It's a lovely opportunity for him to prove he is right He should leap at the challenge...

Him paying the mortgage doesn't excuse him from being a parent when he gets home. When you're both home you should be working together. Just because you're the mum doesn't mean it should all be left to you. Ask him where your time off is.

I think you need to take up a hobby for yourself so he has to have her more often and take responsibility. Netball, zumba or running?

I think you need to sit down with him with a jobs list and say that you are not prepared to wait on him hand and foot. Which chores is he going to take responsibility for? You don't live in the 1950's and he will have to pull his weight. You need to sort it out ASAP as otherwise a firm habit will be formed.

The other thing you could try is embarrassing him in front if others about him being a backwards 1950's husband instead of a 'new man'. Mention it as often as you can and turn it into a standing joke.

Can you also ask around and find out what people do in a similar positions? My hubby works, commutes a fair distance and spends about an half an hour doing kid things plus half an hour on chores midweek. Weekends we do everything 50//50. He is totally involved in the kids lives and they have a solid bond as a result.

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When you have your discussion about what jobs he is prepared to take on, you need to highlight that you undervalued by him. You need to stop being a walk over. If he refuses to do his share, stop cooking fir him and stop washing/ironing his clothes. Tell him you will not accept his behaviour.

I always think that husbands and wives should have equal time off daily. So if hubby has an hour of free time, wife should have an hour of free time.

DH used to look around the house with rather a look when he got back from work and clearly nothing had been done in terms of housework. I then left him with DS for a day (he took a day off, I had something I wanted to go to) and left him with our 'normal' agenda for that day. He managed about 60% of the agenda - and nothing in the house and was exhausted at the end of the day. I never had another look, and he would often come in and 'take over' with DS whilst I had some time on my own getting some supper ready or similar.

It's simple - money isn't the only thing required to run a comfortable efficient household as you well know. There are all sorts of things that also have to be done which also take time even if they're not paid for.

You need to add up how much time he spends in paid employment, include commuting even if he does get to read a good book or listen to music in the process. So, say 45 or 50 hours. You then work out how many more hours need to be devoted to the household - which of course includes childcare, housework, cooking, food shopping, gardening, laundry and so on. And you too then do an equivalent number of hours on all that stuff. I strongly suspect that there'll be a shortfall on the hours needed for the household with a young baby .... and it's then that any further contribution needs to be pretty much divided up equally as far as possible.

And when you've both agreed what needs to be done - and when you both actually pull your weight doing it - then you both get to have "me time" as well as couple time too if you can possibly wangle it. There's nothing unfair about that, and I don't see how he could possibly object to such a clear division of labour unless he's some sort of arrogant throwback who thinks in terms of "women's work" being, well, women's work regardless of how long it takes a particular woman to achieve and regardless of how her physical and mental well being suffers as a result.

And yes, as many others have been saying, if he's somehow justifying his lack of contribution as being due to his work being far far more "important" and/or stressful and/or requiring more effort, as if one of his hours is worth two of yours or something equally insulting - then he needs to get a prolonged dose of reality and find out for himself what it's really like to look after a baby full time with little or no breaks.

My DD is 15 months, and I went away for the FIRST TIME last Saturday night (we have no family in this country to help out).
DH had her alone for 24 hours and when I came back his first words were "Now I understand how hard you work, I promise I'll try to give you more time off in future!" (He works 16 hour days too!)
RESULT!

Minimonty- I like like idea of a regular 'netball' night for me but as he is out three nights a week and I will be working late one night we are not left with many nights all together as a family. He is happy changing nappies, just needs prompting sometimes!

catsmother- I have told him I will bill him for my services. 24hr childcare, cleaning, tidying, cooking, laundry, decorator, dog walking, grocery shopping, running errands, personal shopper...He could not afford me! I can safely say that this job as a Mummy is far more intense and full on than my life before baby. No breaks here, and no 'down time' either!!

BigFatGoalie & Mistlethrush- I hoped that their Saturday afternoon together would have that affect but he had his mother here most of the time and still thought he had done a good job despite not doing any of the usual household things! ps. That look really riles me! I usually try to keep it tidy but some days that just goes out of the window! LittleShh has had a couple bugs/colds/teeth lately and rather a handful!

Tapiocapearl & Pobblewhohasnotes- me time is a very touchy subject as he thinks that I have all day for my 'me time' to do whatever I want. He just totallly misses the point that raising baby and running a household is not exactly 'me time', no time to do my nails, dye my hair, take a bath or watch a film. Okay I go to a few baby groups and I meet up with friends but usually revolving around our kiddiwinkles and more about chasing and changing manic crawling climbing babies than nattering over cake!

One night last week I asked him to finish putting the rest of the laundry away while I fed and put the little one to bed, it was just a little pile of baby clothes left. I could not believe it but every two minutes I had 'where do you keep her socks?' 'where shall I put her vests?' 'what about her jumpers?' GRRR!! How on EARTH have we got to this point and him not know where her clothes live!!!??!?! I pointed this out to him that he clearly has never dressed her or put any clothes away.

Last night I went on a silent strike. As I was dealing with grumpy snotty baby he asked what was for tea and I replied that I had had my hands full so hadn't had chance to look. I deceded to wait and let him do something (little one had eaten already). I waited and waited. Ended up going to bed without dinner because I was determined not to give in and he didn't bother!

I think that although I have loved the breastfeeding and am glad I have done it for both mine and LittleShh's sakes, I do think he has taken advantage of this as it has only been me able to feed her so me to do all the night feeds and be tied to her 24/7. I missed many parties and had months of only being able to wear 'easy access' clothes!

When I do get him to entertain her while I'm cooking or to bath her he always says 'oh well you go run the bath then' or 'pass me her toy then' 'can you get her pyjamas then' ect and it drives me nuts! I do it on my own all day. Alot of the time it is just like having an extra person to feed and clear up after. My mum doesn't understand it because my Dad was the same. Happy to have us but could only do that and the household stuff went to pot, and she was still always the default parent.

Sorry about all the grumbling and thanks for the support/advice. :( x