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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

would I be unreasonable to ring my daughter's friend's mum?

26 replies

Freddiefrog · 11/12/2013 12:49

My 12 year old has been having some difficulties with a friend. I usually stay well away from her friend dramas but I think this time may need some adult help but I don't want to make the situation worse for my daughter.

My daughter started high school this September and her entire class moved up to the same school. There is one particular girl, Sarah, in her class who has been quite difficult the whole way through primary, resulting in most of the children in the class refusing to have anything to do with her. My daughter is quite easy going and laid back and has been one of the last remaining girls to be her friend, but has now had enough of Sarah's behaviour towards her.

Sarah has been quite horrible to my daughter on and off through primary (she has phases of being horrible to all the girls in her class and I've actually witnessed some of it myself, as have other parents of the children in their class), but it really kicked off in September at the time of my DD's 12 birthday. I agreed to DD inviting her 2 best friends to the cinema then back to our house for pizzas and a sleepover. Sarah heard about the cinema/sleepover and got upset that she wasn't invited so started sending DD some nasty texts. Nothing threatening but name calling/nastiness. DD ignored them and didn't reply and it blew over.

Then a few weeks later DD started getting odd texts from a number she didn't recognise. Nothing threatening or nasty, but things like "are you [DD's name]" "do you live at [our address]", which frightened her. We also discovered that a number of DD's other friends had received similar texts from the same number and the school and the police got involved and the texts were traced back to Sarah.

All through this Sarah's mum has refused to accept that her daughter is involved in this, even when the police were involved and she was shown the texts she insisted that other girls had got hold of Sarah's phone and had sent them/Sarah was upset that she wasn't invited to DD's birthday so DD should understand/etc/etc.

It got back to me that since half term Sarah's mum has been telling anyone who'll listen that my daughter has been bullying and threatening Sarah. I've spoken to my DD about her behaviour towards Sarah and DD says that she hasn't spoken to her for a while, goes out of her way to avoid her out of school and most definitely hasn't bullied or threatened her. They're not in the same classes and they're not in the same "house" at school so don't see each other from 1 week to the next. She also doesn't hang around the park/town/whatever after school so just doesn't socialise with Sarah at all. DD's no angel, but she's generally quite sweet and kind and a little bit dizzy, so I don't really think that she has bullied or threatened Sarah, DD's other friend's all back up DD's story.

Sorry that's so long, but would you ring Sarah's mum? Given her refusal to accept that her daughter is ever to blame for anything is there any point? Will wading in make the whole thing worse? It's really upsetting my DD that she's being accused of something so horrible and I would like to get to the bottom of what is going on, in case I have misjudged my DD and she really is bullying Sarah.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 11/12/2013 12:53

Nope, I wouldn't. It sounds like your DD is doing a good job of ignoring and not being drawn in to this drama! Leave her to it, but give her loads of praise for that and support at home.

If you ring, you would only be adding to/feeding into the drama, not a good thing to do.

NigellasLeftNostril · 11/12/2013 12:53

I would not advise phoning her, no, in fact i would stand well back and leave them to get on with it, they are not at junior school any more, also as you say that the mother is convinced her child is an angel (aren't we all?) so opening up a meaningful dialogue about this is unlikely.

HopAlongOnItsOnlyChristmas · 11/12/2013 12:53

No. Do not ring her. She will just deny it, claim that her daughter is being bullied and you will come across (or she will paint the picture) that you are now harrassing her as well. It will not help, and it will not end well. Maybe speak to the school ad say that you're a bit concerned about accusations of bullying being thrown around as your DD doesn't have any contact with Sarah?

MammaTJ · 11/12/2013 12:54

I also think the fact that you are trying to second guess yourself and seriously analysing the situation, rather than just taking your DDs word for it, means you are unlikely to be wrong about your DD not being a bully!

Fontofnowt · 11/12/2013 12:55

It sounds like Sarah's mum will use any opportunity to further her stance and you calling could be twisted into more accusations.
Are the school still involved?
Maybe ask school to mediate.

jacks365 · 11/12/2013 12:57

I don't see any point in talking to the mum you won't convince her but I would mention it to the school just so they can keep an eye on things simply because sarah may now believe she can get away with anything

pictish · 11/12/2013 12:58

I agree with mamma (again...2nd time today).
Your dd is successfully phasing Sarah out by herself, which is all fine. Don't ramp up the drama by phoning. Sarah's mum will not suddely make a turn around in her thinking after your call.

WhoNickedMyName · 11/12/2013 12:59

Sarah’s mum might be telling anyone who will listen that your DD is a bully, but given Sarah’s past behaviour and the amount of other children AND parents that will know all about Sarah, it’s highly unlikely that anyone is taking much notice of Sarah’s mum.

Don’t get drawn in. Your DD is doing fine avoiding and ignoring it, follow her lead .

All you’ll achieve with a phonecall is to add fuel to her fire. If even police involvement can’t convince her that her little angel is in fact a horrible bully, then a chat with you isn’t going to do it, is it?

monicalewinski · 11/12/2013 12:59

Do nothing other than keeping on what you're already doing with your daughter.

As long as your daughter knows she's got you in her corner if it comes to it, that's all she needs from you at the mo.

Don't feed the drama (phrase shamelessly nicked from Mama!), that will just keep it all going on and on.

Timeforabiscuit · 11/12/2013 12:59

Do not ring her - it will get twisted and if it does escalate it will just make matters more complicated.

If anything, ask the head of year for a meeting to see what actions they have put in place to remedy this.

Well done to your dd for keeping above it all.

MammaTJ · 11/12/2013 13:00

Just copy and paste that phrase Pictish, you could be using it a lot!

MrsSquirrel · 11/12/2013 13:00

No don't ring the other mum. It won't help anyone. Stay well away. The mum sounds like a nightmare.

You might want to consider having a chat with dd's form tutor about it. You may never 'get to the bottom of what is going on', but the teachers will be able to keep an eye on things at school.

CeliaFate · 11/12/2013 13:03

Definitely don't ring the other mum. Speak to the head of year and your daughter's form tutor. Ask them to log the fact that you've informed them about the rumour and refute it entirely.
The pastoral care at your dd's school should be able to help.

SatinSandals · 11/12/2013 13:08

My gut feeling was immediately 'NO' and I see everyone says the same. Take Celia's suggestion.

JustAWaterForMePlease · 11/12/2013 13:08

I would agree with others - don't contact the mum, but contact the school just so it's on record and they can keep an eye on it.

I found this phrase interesting though - "DD says that she hasn't spoken to her for a while, goes out of her way to avoid her out of school..." While I'm sure that your DD hasn't for anything in malice, deliberately leaving someone out, ignoring them, overtly avoiding them etc is still classed as bullying - it might be worth just casually mentioning that to her.

Will probably be in the minority here but I feel a bit sorry for Sarah - seems like she needs help with social skills and friendship issues. Perhaps you could suggest that to school when you ring - they may not be aware of all the background from Primary.

Breadkneadslove · 11/12/2013 13:11

Always a tricky one… to get involved or not??? I would say there is no harm in trying to help resolve / ease the situation.

If your DD and Sarah have been friends through primary school I imagine you will know or have some kind of relationship with her mum, am I right? So only you will know how she is likely to respond.

But you could call up and say something along the lines of "our girls have been friends for years, it would be a shame to see them fallout...I'm not exactly sure of the ins and outs of it all but there seems to be some kind of conflict between them at the moment… what can we do to resolve them resolve this? what are your thoughts? Try to keep it neutral and not place blame on any one child, all children have their faults etc and take it from there. Hopefully she will follow your lead and take the more mature and responsible route to trying to resolve this situation, realising that you are not attacking her or her daughter.

Or you could just leave it be and hope it resolves itself as these things sometimes do…

Original poster

Freddiefrog · 11/12/2013 13:15

Thanks!

I think I'm finding this transition to high school harder than DD is, I've come over all "mess with my DD, you mess with me"

School were involved with the texts, but as far as they're concerned that is now resolved. They've confirmed that DD is not in any classes with Sarah but other than that they say that they don't get involved in things happening outside school hours. I will give them a ring again, they have Learning Mentors so maybe someone can mediate at school.

DD does talk to me quite a lot about it, she has been quite upset and struggling with it so I've just been here with hugs and praise and advised her to ignore it, rise above it and just be nice if she does happen to bump into Sarah.

DD's friend's parents don't believe Sarah's mum, they've all had run ins with Sarah at some point and none of them think that my DD has a nasty bone in her body.

DD tends to waft through life with a head full of sunshine and cotton wool, is generally nice and kind, and given Sarah's past behaviour, I do believe DD. She's no angel, but I don't think she's capable of such horrible-ness to be honest.

I'll give school another call

Thanks again

OP posts:

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 11/12/2013 13:19

This child has harassed Op's dd to such an extent that the police were involved!

If she was an adult and Sarah was her male ex partner would you still think she is bullying? Or perhaps sensibly avoiding an abuser?

Original poster

Freddiefrog · 11/12/2013 13:24

Sorry, crossed some posts

No she's not doing anything in malice, but she has avoided her since she received all the odd texts and the police were involved, and especially since she has been accused of bullying and threatening her. It's not that she's leaving Sarah out and excluding her from any friendship groups, it's rather that DD just wants to stay away from her - DD would chose to walk to school alone herself rather than in a group with Sarah, she's go and eat her lunch on her own in her "house" rather than the school canteen if you see what I mean

something along the lines of "our girls have been friends for years, it would be a shame to see them fallout...I'm not exactly sure of the ins and outs of it all but there seems to be some kind of conflict between them at the moment… what can we do to resolve them resolve this? what are your thoughts?

That's what I was thinking, more than phoning up and making accusations. Just see if we can get to the bottom of it. I do know Sarah's Mum and we used to get on OK, but I don't know now

OP posts:

AnUnearthlyChild · 11/12/2013 13:40

Stay out of it. Especially if police were involved. If you ring Sara's mum, she might just be bonkers enough to claim you were harassing her.

MrsSquirrel · 11/12/2013 14:00

Honestly, stay out of it. Just support your dd.

You are not going to be able to change Sarah's behaviour. By the sounds of it, Sarah's mum has no interest in changing Sarah's behaviour.

The girls used to be friends. Sarah treated her badly and they are not friends any more. Sounds fair enough to me. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who sent me threatening texts.

Groovee · 11/12/2013 14:11

I wouldn't ring her. I would mention it to the school. But the fact that her mother doesn't even believe the police who have the evidence to say it was Sarah, then attempting to approach her will just have her accusing you off things.

Let your dd continue how she is. We have a girl like Sarah in my dd's year and for 2 years she has been ignored by another girls for claiming that something was done to her when the whole class said it couldn't have been done at the time claimed. Her mum has often slagged off the other mum over it but we ignore her. We know which child is in the right and which child is causing a fuss because she was proved wrong.

Original poster

Freddiefrog · 11/12/2013 14:14

Thanks!

To be honest, I don't think DD really wants any more to do with Sarah and just wants to be left alone, but the rumours about DD bullying/threatening Sarah are really upsetting DD and I wondered if a reasonable "our DD's have been friends for years/it's a shame to see them fall out" chat may put a stop to it.

I've spoken to her Learning Mentor and he's going to talk to DD this afternoon and we're going to make some sort of plan on how to manage it at school.

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/12/2013 14:24

I think I would talk to the school too so they are aware what's going on. Nasty situation for your DD though :(

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 11/12/2013 14:25

Sorry X-posts. Glad you've spoken to them and they are working on a plan.

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