to hate bil

[caitlinsurrey]

I just can't stand my bil. Sorry for long post need some insight.

Background he's 34 never worked lives in his mums spare room, his mum brings him breakfast, lunch and dinner up to his room like its some kind of 5* hotel. He never washes and his nails are long and dirty he's never dressed sometimes when we visit MIL on weekends he's still in last weeks dirty white joggers. He's also an alcoholic and claims disability for being so. There is nothing wrong with him to stop him working - many alcoholics hold down jobs Im not sure what gives him the god given right to think he is any different. MIL says his issues stem back from when his dad left when he was 5. Well that didn't affect his brother my DH or me when my dad left, its not a reason to waste and take no responsibility for his life. I'm pretty sure every other person has family issues but you get on with life. He was offered a council flat but MIL wouldn't let him leave, I think she feeds/encourages his behaviour as she just never says anything to him and lets him do as he pleases. Actually MIL is a bit of a martyr. He's never paid rent or contributed towards food/bills etc. He's just had a backdated payment as they stopped his disability and MIL took the dwp or whoever to court and won, and instead of giving her some money he went out and bought a brand new iMac and iPhone. wtf right?? I just think its so screwed up and i know it upsets my DH. Oh also DH nan will buy all the grandkids AND MY BIL sweets every week like he's a 5 year old but not buy sweets for my DH or his cousins. Don't get me wrong my DH doesn't care about sweets, I think its just so odd she like thinks bil is a child????

There have been times him and I have had arguments one time was he said "only idiots work, i do f-all and get all this money from the government, you have to be a mug to work" he said in front of my DH who works like a dog for his family. I just find him so disrespectful, it makes my blood boil.

Now I know that half of what I have written is nothing to do with me like not paying MIL upkeep BUT I don't want this kind of behaviour to rub off on my boys, this is what I am getting worried about. I don't want my kids to see their grandmother treating their uncle like that and think they can do the same to me? AIBU??? I left home when I was 19 (27 now) and always worked/been independent and my DH works very hard and has same values as me but its just this situation with my MIL/BIL. It scares me.

Who do you think is happier with their life? Your DH or your BIL?

YANBU to hate him. I see why but he is your DH's brother and we can't like all our inlaws! Its a fact of life that some people see drinking and sitting around all day as a life choice and if he is enabled to do so by his Mum then surely thats her problem.
As for your sons, its not as if he is their only role model. Surely they will see their Dad and you working hard for them and its how you bring them up that counts.
As for the gran sending him sweets - that is odd but not something to get really upset about.

Agree with mamma.

He sounds utterly dejected with low expectations out of life.

As for being worried about his influence on your kids... don't be daft.

If he's successfully claiming DLA and his mother was able to go to court to fight on his behalf, I would guess there's more going on that just being a work-shy alcoholic.

YABU to hate him. Hate is a very strong emotion for someone who really shouldn't affect your life and feelings at all.

Thanks for the advice, when i say hate i don't hate him i really dislike him!! Yeah he has a liver problem but it doesn't stop him getting to the pub everyday or out with his mates, surly he could work if he can do that?

Im just so paranoid my boys are going to see his lifestyle as cool or something but pictish you are right i am being daft.

Are you sure we don't share the same BIL??

I have one rather like that (hubby's brother). He is an alcoholic, his mum has always bailed him out when he has boozed his housing benefit away and can't pay his rent, made excuses for his terrible behaviour and always made out that the sun shines out of his arse.

We are now in the position where their mum may not be around for much longer (terminally ill). One of the worrying things is what BIL will do then, because he has never learned to stand on his own two feet even though he is in his forties now. That is the real danger with someone like that, and we are now going to have to face it soon. Neither he nor MIL made any plans for when the inevitable happens.

Kaluki, im not upset about my DH not getting sweets because thats crazy - its more that his family never seem to let BIL grow up or get on if that makes sense, they keep him in a place where he is treated and pampered like a boy of 4 rather than a 34 year old man. I just think its severely odd.

Im just so paranoid my boys are going to see his lifestyle as cool or something

It is your job to teach them otherwise. Welcome to parenthood.

Your boys will be fine. You exert 90% of the influence on them.

I have three daughters. None see their uncle's behaviour as anything to aspire to.

Thanks, needed to hear that.

You seem to be perfectly reasonable to me regarding your attitude towards your BIL. Faintly unreasonable to be worrying about his being a role model to your DCs. As others have said, they are infinitely more likely to grow up with the values and work ethic of you and your DH.
I can't believe no one has yet accused you of 'benefit bashing', take absolutely no notice if they do.

Honestly - my bil is of a similar ilk - I could go into details but won't as I would be here all day.
Suffice to say, the kids are showing no signs of wishing to emulate his overgrown mammas boy lifestyle.
Don't worry x

Yanbu. I cannot stand my 3 bils or my 2 workshy scrounging sils.
Gawd knows where my DH gets his work ethic from because its certainly not from his work shy scrounging family.

Oh forgot to add.. all 3 of my bils still live at home expecting my pil to do everything for them.

its no life really is it op?

my bil was the same.he died this year at 43.

He won't be so smug when he's 50, with renal failure, no mother to pander to his every need and nothing to show for his life.

He will always have to go cap in hand to other people, never be able to say that he achieved something for and by himself. I would pity him rather than hate him.

He's to be pitied OP really. That's the message you should (subtly!) convey to your DC's. Imagine being bought sweets like a child!

Don't waste your energy on hate or even dislike. Would your husband prefer his own life or his brothers?

If he is that much of an alcholic and already has liver problems, he may not be a problem much longer. 2 people I know died of liver failure, one at 33 one at 42.

He sounds a complete disaster and his mother is enabling his bad habits. Alcoholism is an illness but he sounds like a sponge.

Whilst I do sort of agree that they are often to be pitied, trying to live with the fallout from one and to pick up the pieces can be infuriating and frustrating too. In equal measure.

They are not easy to have in the family. Long term they can be a nightmare, often with little that you can do if they have no incentive to mend themselves.

Im not sure what gives him the god given right

God?

Had an uncle like this, it's quite common in many families. I wonder if the parents (often the mothers) are partly to blame for creating and enabling these peter pans. It's quite sad really and nothing to aspire to or be jealous about. Sometimes it would be the unmarried daughter who stayed at home and needed up being the parents carer.