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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to still be unable to fully forgive. 2 years later

16 replies

nightbird80 · 11/12/2013 01:47

I lost my dad when I was still a teenager. My mum passed away 2 years ago. I had 2 dc so was quite composed during funeral. Didn't want to upset them. That evening I sat in front of the computer (probably mning) with tears rolling down my cheek. Dh asked me what I had seen to make me cry. Ffs I buried the only parent I had for the majority of my life. He actually made the same mistake later that week. The 1st christmas without my mum was spent with inlaws. Mil gave a daft answer to a question and sil said something along the line of well at least your mum can't embarrass you in this way.
The worst thing is that I am going to be spending Christmas eve and christmas Day doing the same stuff as that awful first Christmas without my wonderful mum.
Aibu to still feel a bit bitter or should I try to put it behind me?

OP posts:
welshnat · 11/12/2013 01:53

My DM passed away 13 years ago and it still gets to me on special days. Last year at Christmas I spent it with my ex's family where his sister gave their mother a Pandora mother/daughter charm. I had to leave the room because all I could think was that it would never be me. I don't think that you should put things behind you. 2 years is still very soon for a bereavement and you need to let yourself feel sad/angry/happy and not feel guilty about any of your feelings.

I think the worst is when people complain about their mothers over the smallest things and you feel like slapping some sense into them. I just want to tell them to cherish every moment with their mother.

InaneNameChange · 11/12/2013 01:55

Oh I'm so sorry. I really feel for you.
No it's not wrong to still feel a bit bitter but that's not the main issue, it's about you being able to process the loss - can you try to get some grief counselling to help with it? Have you been to Cruse?

Original poster
nightbird80 · 11/12/2013 02:08

Not had an coubnselling and maybe it would be helpful. Guess I just feel sad that I was xo unsupported. Re embarrassment factor, my mum would do it every time but we loved her for it. Indeed have so many fond memories. Thank you for hour replies. ,

OP posts:
sandfrog · 11/12/2013 02:30

Link to Cruse Bereavement Care

Joysmum · 11/12/2013 05:38

My hubby list his mum aged only 55, this was 12 years ago whilst I was pregnant with our DD. He still grieves and gets upset now and will do till the day he dies. The hurt gets easier to live with but it doesn't go away.

Having been together so long and good friends since we were kids, I can usually recognise those down days when something's triggered a memory and he's down because of losing his mum or dad (dad is alive but in the final throws of advanced dementia). Sometime though, even I miss the signs can just assume he's being a moody git. I feel dreadful when I do but he's very understanding despite his grief.

Longtalljosie · 11/12/2013 05:53

Both the examples you give were bloody stupid things to say. But I think (and perhaps counselling would help you here) that you've attached the anger stage of your grieving to them - that while they deserve a certain degree of anger perhaps, two years of intense anger is probably not in proportion to what was said.

But it's understandable - utterly - and you have every right to be angry that you're in this horrible situation and they're not, so they're there in their much better situation, making thoughtless comments. Your husband does love you though, I'm sure, and I think you may need to find a way of forgiving him for making that comment - it was very silly but people are human and speak without thinking.

paxtecum · 11/12/2013 06:04

I think that the cultures that wail and weep at funerals maybe have got it right.
They are vocalising their emotions rather than putting a lid on them.

I don't mean you were wrong not to cry at your DMs funeral, but you do need to cry about her and thereby release the grief.

I'm very fortunate that my DM was well over 80 when she passed, so she saw her DGC grow up.

The bereavement counselling should help you.

Your DM wouldn't want you not to enjoy Christmas.

Best wishes to you.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/12/2013 06:10

Oh you poor thing. I'm so sorry for your losses OP

FWIW my exH said a similar thing about 3 weeks after my lovely dad died ("You need to get over it now, this is getting boring" when I was crying) and I have never ever forgiven him for that. When he said it I just froze in horror. But I did throw it in his face when we were splitting as an example of his lack of empathy.

So I know how hard it is to let these things go

Is yor DH usually nice and supportive and kind? Or is this a symptom of wider arseholery?

If it's the former I think you need to perhaps talk to him about how you feel and try and move forward.

Good luck. I wish you well

Original poster
nightbird80 · 11/12/2013 09:43

Believe me I have cried lots for her. In the early days on the lonely walk home after dropping children at school. And in the car especially driving past poxy take your mother here for mothers day signs. She died a week before mothers day. Thank you for rsplies.
I guess lasg night I was pissed off with dh for another reason and I saw the picture of us with inlaws on the photo calendar he got made and it just got to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
nightbird80 · 11/12/2013 09:51

Believe me I have cried lots for her. In the early days on the lonely walk home after dropping children at school. And in the car especially driving past poxy take your mother here for mothers day signs. She died a week before mothers day. Thank you for rsplies.
I guess lasg night I was pissed off with dh for another reason and I saw the picture of us with inlaws on the photo calendar he got made and it just got to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
nightbird80 · 11/12/2013 09:51

Oops. Double post.

OP posts:
LouiseAderyn · 11/12/2013 09:53

If it is too hard for you to spend Christmas with your ils, pretending to be okay, then don't let them or dh guilt trip you into doing it! 2 years is no time at all and they should be sensitive to that and put you first. If that means a quiet Christmas at home with your dc, then so be it.

Please don't feel you have to bury your grief and bend to the will of others.

greenfolder · 11/12/2013 10:01

My experience. My lovely dh made various comments that I thought insensitive when I lost my dad 12 yrs ago. I also thought he should be more upset-both families were close. But 12 yrs on, he has lost both his parents-now he understands what that feels like and I understand that it does feel different to lose an inlaw. I was sad and upset when pil died, I felt like my heart had been ripped out when I lost my dad. Ill be honest-i reckon it took me 3 years to come to terms with it. Even now if I'm down or upset I will miss him and have a little cry
The one thing that helped in the mountains of books I read was to view their life as complete. It finished on x date and that was their life with all its highs and lows. This helped me get past the feeling of what my dad was missing-kids growing up-now I can say "hed have loved this" without that pining feeling that he should have been there.

Original poster
nightbird80 · 11/12/2013 10:03

The strange thing is that he lost his dad when he wasin his twenties. So I guess I just expected him to understand.

OP posts:
greenfolder · 11/12/2013 10:04

And re christmas-first one was dreadful after that made decision to enjoy. Alcohol helped

ShinyBauble · 11/12/2013 12:47

Maybe cancel the in laws this year?

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