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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 15 year old girls shouldn't do this?

51 replies

MrsUptight · 10/12/2013 23:51

I have name changed but am a regular...ask me anything random and you'll get that.

DH has a dd aged 15...she lives abroad where her Mum was born...when they left, before DH and I met, DH was devastated but has done all he can to remain a constant presence in her life....he didn't stop her moving home as she had mental health issues and needed her own mum...he calls and skypes as well as sending money and presents. He sees her maybe twice a year so gets no real say in anything about the way she lives...her FB page has been closed to DH until today and I see why.

There are loads of pics of his DD in bikinis etc...which is fine but the poses are really overt....there are also pics of her leaning forwards in low cut tops where you can see almost all of her breasts....I mean almost ALL.

this is really upsetting to DH and to me too. Her Mum is commenting on the pics things like "Isn't she gorgeous!" and their friends are liking them etc.

Are we really out of touch or is this the norm for 15 year olds today? Pics of her drinking alcohol too. Sad She's a stunning kid....really, really beautiful and I just feel a bit sad that she's displaying everything in these FHM style poses and young lads are commenting in sexist ways which she seems to lap up of course...aibu to think that they're not appropriate? If I am, I will accept that...I don't know any other kids this age.

OP posts:
Loonytoonie · 12/12/2013 03:58

Who is Nanette?

BoneyBackJefferson · 12/12/2013 06:43

Leavenheath
"But it is worth keeping an open mind about why a woman has no respect for her former partner and 'puts all men down' because often that comes from a place of hurt and as a result of poor treatment."

switch the genders and it becomes the "pshycotic ex" and red flags everywhere.

HanneHolm · 12/12/2013 06:44

Is she in Brazil or somewhere ?

Helpyourself · 12/12/2013 06:49

It's normal sadly.
Even the most staid teens display extraordinarily provocative pictures. There seems to be a disconnect between what they choose to show on facebook and how they behave. The fact that her mother is a fb friend and comments on them suggests that its the norm in her peer group and is also reassuring for safety reasons.

Helpyourself · 12/12/2013 06:51

Re is she is brazil? Grin
Other culture do have a less enlightened/ freer/ more open attitude to flesh and again that doesn't necessarily reflect promiscuity.

wannabestressfree · 12/12/2013 06:51

I was going to ask where she lives and then will comment. On another note I think going in 'gung ho'will ruin your relationship (both you and dh) with her. Big mistake

SatinSandals · 12/12/2013 07:01

I agree with Helpyourself , it appears to be the way they want to portray themselves to the world and, in most cases, not the way they really are. Of course it is not all girls of that age.
There was a whole SUnday paper supplement on it not long ago. I think they are called FOMOs ( fear of missing out) . It said that girls of that age would have lots of pictures of themselves getting ready for a big night out and the end result but actually they were not going anywhere, they had nowhere to go! One said that she wasn't happy if she posted a picture of herself and she didn't get at least 80 'likes'.
I wouldn't worry too much- it is probably a phase.

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 07:14

It is one thing to get rid of pictures on one Facebook account, it's another to be able to stop a 15 year old from posting pictures on line anywhere, particularly when she has the support of a resident parent, is in another country, and probably won't be willing to allow access next time she sets up an account somewhere.

I agree with Leavenheath's advice,

meditrina · 12/12/2013 07:21

It is both normal and common, and is a reflection of living in a highly sexualised culture.

That doesn't mean you have to like it, or condone it. But - like pink glittery shit - there are many who think it's what being a girl involves and that people should butt out and stop being killjoys.

By the time a child is 15, there is unlikely to be anything you can do about it. And as a devoted, but distant, father your DH can do nothing either in this specific case.

But you can think about the sexualisation of children, and what 'Pinkification' (not just liking the odd pink dress) really means in terms of how females are socialised to see themselves in society, and how it moves seamlessly to this, teach your own DDs from a young age to think about the voluntary aspects of their appearance, to think about the role of women in society, and to think about hyper sexualisation and know the effect it has.

CSIJanner · 12/12/2013 07:26

Thank you MiniMonty - have filed this info away carefully Grin

wonderingagain · 12/12/2013 19:45

That's excellent insider information about facebook Minimonty thanks.

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 20:10

I think it's a bit of a false security to think that you can stop this kind of thing by com

merrymouse · 12/12/2013 20:11

Oops

Complaining to facebook about one account.

Other social media sites are available.

ProudAS · 12/12/2013 20:17

It doesn't seem right in UK but what would opinion be where she lives?

Xochiquetzal · 12/12/2013 20:28

I've just shown this to 15 year old sister and her response was to log into facebook and show me the profiles her friends parents don't know about (apparently most of her friends have 1 mum can see and a secret 1) and yeah this seems to be common among her friends, although letting mum see them/comment on them is not.

IdreamofFairies · 12/12/2013 20:33

i can understand how worrying this is for you both.

unfortunately it is a growing problem thats getting worse everyday.
CEOP has tips for parents and educational films that explain the danger of posting those images.

are you able to message her maybe sent a link and say how worried you are.

Liara · 12/12/2013 20:42

It really does depend on what country she lives in.

Imagine if one parent was in Iran and she were in the UK, posting what UK people would consider to be perfectly normal pictures of herself.

Would you share the parent in Iran's outrage at her showing her hair/arms/knees?

Birdsgottafly · 12/12/2013 22:10

"By the time a child is 15, there is unlikely to be anything you can do about it. "

Young people go through many changes and phases.

The comments about "that type of girl" are unbelievable and depressing.

You haven't become a "type" (whatever that means) at 15, you are still finding out who you are and how the world works, hopefully whilst doing so, you won't indulge in behaviour that is life long damaging.

Most of the teens I have known (particularly the damaged ones) behave in a way that is an extension or acting out of their emotions. This is destructive, it isn't a reflecti

Birdsgottafly · 12/12/2013 22:19

Sorry, a reflection of them, as people, just their emotional/mental state at that time.

Six months later they can be completely different people, as anyone can, at any age.

My eldest is 28, I've had extensive contact with a variety of youngsters, no one can predict how life will pan out, who will become drug users, young Mums, in DV relationships.

There is always a lot of smugness on these types of threads.

Since time began, girls who are not in the best place emotionally behave in a sexually provocative manner and some girls just go through stages of enjoying how they look, in a not ideal way, a bit to soon.

SatinSandals · 12/12/2013 22:30

I agree Birdsgottafly. I have seen babies grow up to 30+ year olds and you certainly get surprises! No one can sit back smugly thinking 'not my DD'.

Birdsgottafly · 12/12/2013 22:42

Satin, I thought the days were gone when females were put into a "type" because of their behaviour, or that one type of behaviour led or meant a certain path was guaranteed.

SatinSandals · 12/12/2013 22:43

Not if you read MN!

SatinSandals · 12/12/2013 22:50

I met a 25yr old last year that I last saw when he was about 7 yrs. He had been abroad and had come back and caught up with some of the crowd that he grew up with. He was the one who expressed surprise at how some had turned out and kept saying 'and have you seen.......?!'
Some of the high flying career ones were the least expected-same with the ones with mental health problems. You can't look at your 2 yr old and know what you will get at 12 yrs or your 6 yr old and know what you will get at 15yrs or even your 14 yr old and know what you will get at 24yrs!!
I meet people who are highly successful adults and listen with disbelief when they tell me what they were like as teenagers!

passedgo · 13/12/2013 11:43

Xoch it doesn't matter if the facebook page is secret, action from a solicitor would put an alert on the associated email addresses. And even if she set up elsewhere at least she would have been shown that this is not acceptable and possibly illegal (if she has been encouraged).

I don't get why people think that kids can outsmart us. They may be smarter at technology but they have no concept of the law or their rights and these take precedence over sneaky intenet behaviour.

merrymouse · 13/12/2013 17:20

she would have been shown that this is not acceptable and possibly illegal (if she has been encouraged).

Or just that next time she should set up an account without sharing with her father who lives in a different country and 'doesn't understand'.

Plenty of teenagers do illegal things as a matter of course. (Under age smoking, drinking, taking soft drugs) and habitually conceal things from their parents.

No, my children are not smarter at technology than me. However they have the ability to go places on line and in the real world where I can't see them.

I think that closing down an account as the non resident parent without the support of the resident parent wouldn't get you anywhere at all. Communication would.