Weird parent at school

[Summerwood1]

I was friends with a Chinese lady at my daughters school. The Chinese lady's daughter fell out with another child at school, who's mum i also spoke to. Because I talked to the other mum,the Chinese lady now won't speak to me! My daughter and the Chinese lady's daughter are still friends at school and play together at school,but if we walk past the little girl whist she is with her mother,the child turns away and looks at the grass so she doesn't have to say hello! Yet play together every day at school. My daughter asked if she wanted to come and play,she replied 'I can't my mum doesn't know I play with you' . Our only sin was to walk with the other mum she had fallen out with,bizarre behaviour!!!

[ZingChoirsOfAngels]

or substitute it with "rich" / "poor"

[Valdeeves]

Ok I'll drop two points here:

When I ask someone if they've my husband - I use his uniques features to help - he's from a pretty unusual ethnic group here in the UK. Helps people identify him for me - no big deal. He doesn't see it as a negative to be described by the way he looks. My children look so different I have been asked if they are adopted - not rascist - just honest.

This lady is in a round about way asking if a cultural difference here might have caused what happened. I think it's important to understand that not all cultures think the same way - I should know - I married into a culture complete different to mine. Over the years I have seen people behave in a way that I thought was rude - because I didn't understand that I had offended them.

Isn't it ok to ask - have I done something this culture might find particular offensive? Could you advise me so?

Isn't this what she's really asking?

Is this rascist? Or is it actually trying to be informed?

That's how I read it.

All the rest of the comments, actually feel more offensive to me - you are so quick to judge.

[Valdeeves]

It's asked in a clumsy way though, that I agree.

[Throughthelongnight]

Is blahblahblah2014 the OP?

[HECTheHeraldAngelsSing]

She was neither asking us to identify the woman for her nor assisting us to pick the woman out of a crowd.
The repetition of ethnicity was neither useful nor relevent in this situation and any rl situation where it may be useful to use an identifiable element to point someone out is totally different and not relatable to an online description to strangers.

[5HundredUsernamesLater]

I've noticed there's a football commentator on TV who calls the players things like 'the little spaniard' or 'the big Belgian' and he winds me up so much. How insulting is that!

[Valdeeves]

But was she asking a cultural question in a clumsy and I'll informed way? Couldn't someone have just said:

Why are you asking that OP? Do you think it's something to do with being Chinese? Are you worried you have offended here in a way you might not understand?

Ok she was blatantly looking for a response like:

"They are funny those Chinese people"

But does making her feel stupid really help here?

Or are there just alot of people enjoying making her feel stupid?

[Valdeeves]

Someone could have said "Nope, don't think it's anything to do with her culture - you've just offended her."

Enough said?

Not repeat like a broken record:

"You are an idiot, lets take the p**s out of you over and over to make ourselves sound funny."

Sorry but I really think its a bit lame.

[Kewcumber]

She doesn't give any indication that she thinks a cultural difference accounts for her behavior. You have assumed that because otherwise her "chinese" repetition is just odd.

She doesn't ask - even in a roundabout way "DO you think this is a cultural thing" or even anything similar. She doesn't in fact ask anything she just says "bizarre behaviour!!!"

She isn't asking for an explanation - she is stating that this womans behaviour is bizarre.

I'm not really going to state again the fact its OK to describe someone in appropriate circumstances by how they look because if someone reading this thread haven't picked that up by now then I would assume they were being deliberately dim.

[HECTheHeraldAngelsSing]

I honestly do not believe the intention was to ask a legitimate question about 'culture'.
To begin in your title by describing the person as weird and to end your post with the statement that it was bizarre behaviour and to insert the ethnicity multiple times does not read as even the clumsiest attempt to aska genuine q about possible cultural differences.
The op is either long gone or sitting back with a grin on their face and to an eextent is irrelevent at this point. What is important is to challenge the belief held by some that the irrlevant insertion of an ethnic description is

[Valdeeves]

I am reading between the lines. I just feel strongly that you have to work with people's prejudices or preconceptions and deconstruct what they are saying rather than just make them feel stupid.

It's a better way of doing it. Rather than calling someone dim when you disagree. That's just a put down.

[Valdeeves]

It's clumsy comments like this OP that need discussion - rather than just mockery. That's a better way to deal with it in my opinion.

[HECTheHeraldAngelsSing]

Not an indicator of their own ignorance or prejudice.

And anyone who claims phones are no excuse for struggling to post or correct can kiss my arse.

[Kewcumber]

"They are funny those Chinese people"

Dear Lord I really hope she wasn't meaning that - I didn't actually assume that or I'd have challenged her even more as thats blatantly racist.

Actually if OP had ever come back to the thread and said "Hands up I hadn't realised when typing it out quite how crass it looked"

I've said inappropriate things myself on MN and (quite rightly with retrospect) been torn a new one by posters it affected in real life.

I apologised, moved on and it made me rethink how important the use of language is and how easy it can be to offend when its something that doesn't impact you day to day.

But I don't give any kind of free-pass to people who choose to define people by how they look but only if they look a certain way, not on the internet and not in real life. Thats my right however dull or lame you find it.

[Kewcumber]

I've discussed this too often in real life to pussyfoot around it anymore Valdeeves. I save my tact for the 8-12 years old who use language like this because they've no doubt picked up this approach from their parents.

Adults not so much.

You can say what you like as long as its not inciting hatred and its true - on the flipside I can too and do. Don't expect me to be the bigger person and put up with it because I'm not and I won't.

And I didn't call anyone dim. That would be a personal attack.

[Valdeeves]

I think it's easier to come back and apologise when you haven't had pages of people implying how stupid your comments are.

[HECTheHeraldAngelsSing]

And what iss this val? There has been a great deal of debate on this thread. And multiple attempts to explain why it is ridiculous to describe ethnicity in situations where there is no need to do so.

[Kewcumber]

And actually there was a couple of sensible discussions earlier of why its inapporpriate in these circumstances to keep referring to the womans ethnicity. It only escalated (very politely in my opinion) becasue there was the same old same old "Oh but its OK to call a black man black because its just a description. Like thats the point, it was so important to be able to describe the anonymous stranger that none of us could see.

[Kewcumber]

Oh I don;t think she'll come back now but in fact a lot of the commetns you object to Valdeeves are actually addressing other posters in the "oh its just fine and dandy" corner

[Valdeeves]

I agree about the pussyfooting, but sometimes giving people a chance to explain rather than just laughing at them gives you more of an opportunity to allow them to see what's wrong with the language they use - or a narrow way of thinking.

[Kewcumber]

I have been roundly told I was stupid and ignorant (in nothing like as funny a way as most posters have done here) in one of my earliest posts on MN.

They were right - I didn't deserve to get a free pass in case I got offended.

[Valdeeves]

I'm not saying its ok to describe by their ethnicity in an irrelevant situation. I just would have liked to have heard more from her - I wanted to know where she's coming from. I haven't stated that I object to any one in comment in particular. I just don't like the way this went.

[BettyBotter]

I think the point was we ridiculed the comment because it was ridiculous and not the poster herself.

For me, ridiculing thoughtless and sterotyped statements is ok, ridiculing people is not.

[Idespair]

Maybe the op thought "Chinese lady" and "lady" was better than "lady 1" and "lady 2". If you substituted all the references to Chinese lady to lady 1 it would be more difficult to write out using the correct numbers. Because the op knows which is the Chinese lady!

Anyway op if you are reading still, it's pretty normal for little girls to have little fallings out but for the mothers to have a bigger falling out over the same issue. The little girls make friends again and forget about it but the mums are rather less forgiving and other mums can take sides and act accordingly, Chinese or not . I would forget about it, it's enough for the girls to play together at school without play dates.

[Valdeeves]

Me too Kewcumber, and yep you are right - no free pass - but in this case I just wanted to hear more from the OP and there wasn't an opportunity.