To think I'm doing something wrong as a mum?

[ScarletLady02]

My lovely girl has turned into a diva!

My daughter is 3 in a couple of weeks and has become really hard work recently. I know it's normal at this age but some help in how to deal with her would be really appreciated.

We've been through quite a lot recently as a family. Without going into too much detail our daily routine changed quite dramatically, me and my DH separated for a month or so (he's been back home for about 6 weeks) and my Mum is in a hospice dying from terminal cancer....so obviously things have been tough at home and I'm guessing her behaviour is a response to that.

She's become very demanding...she whinges, whines and screams for a lot of the day, most days. She has a lot of meltdowns over silly things. I don't give in if she tantrums but some days I do feel like it's a constant battle.

She's doing the whole "MINE" thing which is making it difficult for her socially. I worry about other kids and mums thinking she's a horrible brat as she struggles with social interaction but she has a lovely sweet nature...she has never hit or been violent or nasty to any child...she just freaks if someone gets in her space, or tries to give her something she doesn't want. She looks at me and squeals.

I always explain as simply as I can that she has to share and be nice, and if she doesn't share then I will remove the object (after warning her of what I'm about to do).

I like to think I'm consistent but I'm really at the end of my tether. She starts nursery in January and I'm really worried that she'll struggle.

How do I deal with the tantrums and defiance? She's seen other children do the whole "naughty step" thing and she laughs and thinks it's a game so I can't do that. If she's in total meltdown I will calmly remove her from the situation to a safe place and just say to her "you need to calm down and then we can talk"...Once she's calm I talk to her about what's happened as simply as I can.

I'm at a loss, I understand we've been through so much recently and she's trying to process that but I find myself becoming SO frustrated with the constant "MINE!" and "NO!"...it's making me totally question my parenting style and got me thinking that I'm doing something wrong. She's quite bright and her communication skills are pretty good but she struggles with social skills and if she's in meltdown mode she doesn't listen to what I'm saying....am I expecting too much in her understanding? She's also still in nappies and showing not much interest in using the potty or toilet to be honest. I'm not TOO worried about that right now as all the family stress would probably make potty training difficult...but I haven't a clue how to start. Will the nursery expect her to be out of nappies?

Sorry so many questions and if you've made it this far...then thanks.

are you trying to shield her from whats going on too....

it is normal. we had this too. you just have to ride it out, keep your calm, and think of the amazing little person she will be when you get through it, to the other side.

no nursery shouldnt expect her to be out of nappies and when she starts and seew what other dc do hopefully she will make more efforts there.....

try not to give to many explantions or choices.

Sounds like you have a normal toddler and are dealing with it appropriately.

No, nursery won't expect her to be out of nappies at just under 3/just over 3. When she is ready, she is ready, before then it won't work. And the added pressure of potty training right now will probably adversely affect other aspects of parenting, because you have so much in your plate and so much to cope with. I'm a nursery worker- nappies on a 3yo really isn't uncommon, and I know everyone I work with would prefer for their to be less stress etc; at home then to attempt to potty training before the child can actually do it.

She sounds like a fairly typical threenager. You aren't expecting too much, she will be able to understand that, if, as you say you are, you are consistent. She will be taking it all in, even if she isn't following it now, and it will need a bit of time possibly to build up and have her do it without being told or being told off a bit.

You are handling it fine, and calmly, and therefore modelling the behaviour. She will grow to do that too. My DC kind of went through jumps --eons- of stuff like this, and it settles down and passes, although it does feel like forever at the time!

for you, it is tough, and extra tough with your current circumstances.

Working backwards on your list, no nursery won't/shouldn't expect her to be out of nappies, especially if she has been through an unsettling time. Once she gets to nursery she will see other children visiting the loo and probably want to join in. Nursery's take 2 years olds now so they are set up for nappies/potty training.

You DD sounds completely normal, the 'terrible twos' saying is a con, the 3's are much worse ime! Honestly it sounds like you are doing all the right things, you could look into some books, once you find a book that fits with your way of doing things it can be really helpful. I like 'Divas and dictators' by Charlie Taylor, he advocates 6 praises for every 1 negative, I find that works really well (on the basis that what gets noticed gets done and actually, don't we all feel better when we are being told that we are great at something) and 'How to talk so children listen' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is another good one to start with.

Nursery helped my DD because she had to share etc, she was/is a hot head and gets very stroppy, nursery did us both good because we got some time apart.

Thanks so much....it's just tough when you're doing what you think is right and seems to not be working. She gets herself so worked up sometimes, but I keep saying to myself it's because of everything that's going on.

It doesn't make it easier though...I get very frustrated and have been known to lose my temper. If I do shout, I apologise to her but I feel awful.

I try so hard to be consistent but it's difficult. If I say she can't have or do something I will stick to it...and I generally only give her two choices. Like for example if she doesn't want to do something I will say "if you want to do X then we have to do Y first....if you don't do Y then we won't do X"

I think I'm reasonable in what I ask of her, but she just screams "NO!" at me a lot. I try and stay calm and say I will only listen if she speaks nicely...is it right to do that? Does she understand? Sometimes I think I expect too much. In some ways she's very forward (knows all her numbers, letter, very high vocabulary etc) but she's quite backwards in other areas (not a great word I know). She really struggles socially. Her talking is basically just a running commentary of what she's doing....but having a conversation is difficult.

She sounds like a totally normal three year old so don't worry too much about how your difficult circumstances are affecting her. Three year olds do like to push boundaries at this age as they're learning to be more independent.

Try not to worry about her lack of social skills in terms of sharing etc. It's quite normal and as others have said, she will benefit hugely from interacting with other children and adults at nursery.

You've got a lot of things to deal with at the moment so don't beat yourself up trying to be the perfect parent. Just take it one day at a time and try to give yourself some TLC.

You are doing really well OP - one step at a time.

And in our house and my dsis, we never had the terrible two's, but OMG did we have the fucking awful threes......your dd's totally normal, and being around children her age at nursery should help a lot, she won't want to different from the other children.

Thanks you've settled my mind a bit about nursery. I think she needs the interaction and stimulation. I try and give her one on one time but its hard. When she's engaged and playing happily she's just amazing, and so funny...I know you have to do the whole "this phase shall pass" thing but I can't help but worry that I'm shaping this person to deal with the world and if I don't do it right I'll end up messing her up.

I'd like to add that obviously with everything going on I'm battling depression myself and panic attacks, so that doesn't help.

My nearly three year old has just begun being like this and i was feeling like omg!so reading this has helped me too.I think its frustration too,my ds is a good communicator too so i think when he doesnt get his own way he gets really wound up and has a tantrum and sometimes he wont listen.You sound like youre doing fantastic,even whilst having such a difficult time,so you know what?youre doing a good job,be proud of yourself and dont beat yourself up about it because youre doing nothing wrong x

Hi Scarlett. My dd is also about to turn 3. There are points in the day when she is all lovely, cute, and gorgeous from the top of her head to her toes. And then there is the other times. In my head, I call her my threenager because she can flip and become just like a hormonal teenager in a three year olds body. I shudder at the glimpse into the teenage years this gives me!

That said, I went through exactly the same with my son. He grew out of it and was a delightful four year old and is now a funny, caring, kind 5 year old.

Keep saying to yourself "this too will pass".

Thanks so much for all your replies. I'll stick with what I'm doing and hope she grows out of it. It's just nice to know it's normal behaviour and it's not down to anything I'M doing...that's what I was worried about.

When DH first came home she had terrible separation anxiety as she kept thinking he was going to leave (it was a turbulent month between us, though we tried to shield her as much as we could. She wouldn't settle on her bed on her own, but we've cracked that now...I think she's finally settled back into knowing Daddy will be there in the morning.