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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to disagree with DH and that I DO make a valuable contribution?

97 replies

notarealgrownup · 09/12/2013 21:07

DH has really knocked me sideways today.
We were chatting about one of his friends wives who has just been promoted to something pretty high up in the NHS, a position that pays about £50,000 pa. He then asked me when I was going to get a "proper job". I was gutted.
Been married for 12 years, 3 DCs and have always been a SAHM. Since youngest started school I have been working from home running a shop on EBAY. I have never had what you could call a career, just moved through various low paid jobs since leaving school. So when I became pregnant with DC1 we both agreed that it made sense for me to be a SAHM.
DH is self employed, and charges £30 per hour ( sometimes more depending on the job), and never works more than 30 hours per week through choice as this leaves him plenty of time to follow his hobbies.
My income is much lower (obviously), but it pays for food, clothing, fuel, xmas and birthday presents, etc. I do not contribute to the mortgage or gas/electric (the proper stuff as DH calls it) as I don't bring in enough.
I chose to work from home in order to be there in the morning and after school for the DCs. Also to not have to find childcare during the school holidays, as DH would expect me to pay for this and not contribute himself.
I realise I will never be able to earn as much as DH, but he seems to see what I do contribute (along with looking after the house, etc) as "not a proper /adult occupation". As though its merely a bit of a hobby.
Sorry for rambling, but just trying to explain as much as possible.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/12/2013 22:30

Actually just go away for a week and leave him charge of the dc

optimusic · 09/12/2013 22:32

You contribution far outweighs his.
You ensure that the family has a meal on the table.
You ensure that all the needs of the children are catered for, both emotionally and financially.
You ensure the children have clothes on their backs, and shoes on their feet.
You ensure that the children are educated and not just doing the school run.
You ensure the children are stimulated so they will be the best they can be.
You ensue that the home is clean.
You ensure everyone in the home has clean clothes.

Need I go on?

And he does what?
Pays the mortgage
Pays the gas and electric.

Like I said earlier.. Whoopdewhoop.

Don't let this man child put you down.
Don't let this man child say he is better than you. Because he isn't. He is a poor excuse of a father and a husband and he should be embarrassed about how little he does. And I bet that he has excess money, while you scrimp and scrap to buy things for this tosser.

Dawndonnaagain · 09/12/2013 22:34

I think you need to show him this thread, he's an arse, a bone idle one at that.

NearTheWindmill · 09/12/2013 22:35

If you have been together for 12 years I imagine your dc are still quite small and do need care but why can't you get yourself into a position where you could earn as much as or nearly as you dp. Why is he more valuable than you.

I think it's important for women to work and have their own money, their own savings and their own pension. Even more important when you think they might end up on their own and might need to be relatively self sufficient at some time in the future.

NearTheWindmill · 09/12/2013 22:36

And paying for childcare in the holidays if it is an investment in your future career isn't necessarily a negative in my opinion. You won't have to for ever and in a few years you will further up the greasy pole for having got back on again earlier.

antimatter · 09/12/2013 22:41

so he brings 40K salary for 30 hour week and says you have no proper job

I suggest you should look at retraining and leave him with the kids for those hours he is not working during the week - I guess it would be 30 hours and split weekends equally half each

spend money you are earning on building your career because he may decide one day he doesn't want to pay bills and mortgage any more...

how old are you kids?

Xmasbaby11 · 09/12/2013 22:43

I'm not sure why this is coming up now when clearly the situation has been the same for years. It sounds like you haven't been communicating with each other. You must be upset - he has a poor attitude.

I agree with others that there's no reason why you can't earn as much as DH. You shouldn't undervalue yourself. Childcare is a mutual responsibility, and if DH controls his own hours, he could do a lot more to enable you to pursue a career, if that's what you want.

Original poster

notarealgrownup · 09/12/2013 22:47

The DCs are 11, 7 and 5.
Think I may have left the retraining a bit late......I am 49. How many years would I need to start a completely new career that would enable me to match his earning power ? A lot I should think and I would be in competition with others a lot younger.

OP posts:

antimatter · 09/12/2013 22:49

do you think given more time you could make more money from your ebay shop?

Bogeyface · 09/12/2013 22:51

The problem is that the OP knows that he wont take on his share of the childcare or enable her to have a career.

I think that he heard about his friends wife's salary and thought "Kerching!!!!! I could do with a bit of that!" and then just expected the OP to jump to it with absolutely no input from him at all. If he knew what it would really mean for her to work a £50k job with a family then he would never have mentioned it. Because if she did get a job like that then it would mean a hell of a lot more hours than he works, no housework done, no cooking done, etc. Either he would just refused to do it and the OP would be working herself into an early grave just to keep the basics going, while trying keep this income because she knows he wont value her without it. Or he will halfheartedly do it and then leave because "You nag, you expect me to do everything"

Why go through that when she knows he wouldnt respect her any more than he does now, will probably be an utter bastard when he realises that she is outearning and outshining him and she will be unhappy? She is unhappy now but without all that stress, and at least she works a job she loves which she can grow as the children get older.

NearTheWindmill · 09/12/2013 22:51

I went back at 43 when mine were 5 and 8. Started at the bottom, part-time, and was on nearly £50k within 7 years. Retrained and took professional quals. No degree to begin with. I had 6 years on you but then I think I still expected to retire at 60 - that's all changed now.

NearTheWindmill · 09/12/2013 22:54

And remember (although I'll don my flak jacket for this) at 49 you won't be getting tied up with a boyfriend, focusing on a wedding for a year and then disappearing for two lots of maternity leave. Older women are suddenly quite an attractive opportunity for employers. You can offer 17/18 years of unbroken service to a prospective employer - far better than the average 30 year old who is likely to cost them money and be unpredictable in the context of continuous service. It's one of the joys of getting older.

Tapiocapearl · 09/12/2013 22:57

My aunt trained to be a nurse aged 50 and made it to sister before retiring ten years ago.

Tell him, you are happy to work/train as long as he takes on half the household chores, school journeys, childcare and holiday cover.

YouTheCat · 09/12/2013 22:59

OP, if you left him he'd still have to contribute financially and you'd be free of a complete using arsehole.

My exh told me when I got a job, he'd do more (he did bugger all). I got a job. He still did bugger all because I was only working 24hours - despite the fact that the rest of my time was taken up with our severely disabled ds and our dd. One of the reasons he's the ex.

Tapiocapearl · 09/12/2013 22:59

You should enquire how the other couple )her earning 50k) share the chores/childcare. I bet she does very little

Xmasbaby11 · 09/12/2013 23:00

Yes, you're right, I am oversimplifying it. He should respect your role and contribution. You have enabled his well-paid job at the same time as looking after the family. It's mind boggling he doesn't accept and appreciate that.

Original poster

notarealgrownup · 09/12/2013 23:01

Think Bogeyface has just about summed it up in her last thread. Even if I did somehow manage to get a half decent career going, the amount of work I put into the family at the moment would still have to be the same in his eyes.
But if. I thought for one minute that I could rely in him to step up in order for me to pursue a full time position outside the home then I would definitely go for it.

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 09/12/2013 23:02

Well while I absolutely agree your P is a cock, what are your plans for the next twenty years of your life? It's not too late to retrain at all. Although it wont be possible with that man-child on your back, I agree.

wonderstuff · 09/12/2013 23:13

30 hours a week is part time really, you seem to do much longer hours than him. He needs to understand that you could only work at a 'proper' job if he did 'proper' parenting alongside you. I'd bugger off for a few days, leave him to it, I think men sometimes think their wives have an easy job, and underestimate the work involved at home.

My DH has been much more supportive since he spent a couple of weeks as SAHP while I worked.

AnnieLobeseder · 09/12/2013 23:13

If he doesn't want the responsibility of being the high earner, and didn't envision you staying at home log-term, fair enough.

BUT

The way to change the situation would be to:

have a rational discussion about how you both feel about it, and put a mutually satisfying plan into place
make sure that he was picking up the domestic slack in equal proportion to you picking up the financial slack
bloody well appreciate what you do in the first place.

NOT whine that you don't bring in a huge salary while simultaneously playing personal housekeeper and nanny.

He can't have it both ways.

I agree with others that you coolly suggest he asks these high-earning friends how they divide (or pay for) domestic chores in order to manage two well-paid careers. Once he finds out, hopefully he'll be shocked into a huge apology.

If not, well then I'm afraid you have some serious thinking to do because it doesn't sound like he has much respect for you or appreciation of what you contribute, and that is not a healthy place to be in a marriage.

antimatter · 09/12/2013 23:15

I think you shouldn't worry about workload or responsibilities to family, kids are growing fast
as for the amount of work I put into the family at the moment would still have to be the same in his eyes. - lower your standard for the sake of your financial freedom
if he wants cleaner flood in the kitchen - he would have to do it!
don't let him define what is it you need to do

here on this thread you were given few examples of those who retrained late

I think accountancy and nursing are 2 I think mature women fit into - would it be something what interests you?

Whoknowswhocares · 09/12/2013 23:17

Jeez woman, get a bloomin grip on reality!

He is doing absolutely nothing around the house or with his 3 children, he expects you to not only do everything plus run a business, but tolerate his belittling of your significant achievements ( it's damn hard to make money on ebay, so if you're making enough to cover all those bills on part time hours, you are very,very successful) and tell you to 'get a proper job'

He works PART TIME ffs!!!!
30 hours is a four day week.
He needs to STFU and join the real world

notmyproblem · 09/12/2013 23:20

Op, you came on here asking for advice. It's a near unanimous YANBU. But now you're close to defending your H and already creating a list of reasons why you can't make your life better.

I'll tell you one thing. He knows EXACTLY what he's doing when he doesn't lift a finger around the house. That comment about people thinking he doesn't lift a finger? It came from the truth, and he knows it. He knows what a good deal he has going, he knows how to manipulate you and put you down to get what he wants, keep your ego small and insecure and make sure you do exactly what he wants all the time, every time.

Stand up for yourself. Start looking at your situation from an arm's-length. If your daughter was involved with a useless partner like this, low self-esteem, controlled and trapped in a relationship where she had little to no money of her own, 3 kids to look after and no help from her H apart from paying the mortgage... what would you tell her?

You're 49. That means probably another 30 years of living like this. Why would you want to spend half your life pandering to some excuse for a man like your H? Start getting angry and start making plans to change things. For you, for your kids. He can either change and come along for the ride, or stay like he is and get left behind. Either way, your future is bright. But you need to take the first steps. Stop arguing for your own limitations and start thinking about how you're going to fix this.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 09/12/2013 23:23

He earns good money but somehow thinks this entitles him to do fuck all else?

OP, it's not good.

Original poster

notarealgrownup · 09/12/2013 23:35

I totally agree. He has made me feel "privileged " by putting a roof over our heads.
And I really do need to change things somehow as he isn't going to rock his easy life is he?

OP posts:

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