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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What is better for a child, crap extended family or no extended family?

22 replies

monkeynuts123 · 09/12/2013 19:44

I am really interested in your opinions on this one. My partners family are lovely but all live overseas so we see them maybe once a year but they are great. My family are a nightmare. There are years and years of arguments that never get resolved, most of family not talking to each other and it is generally very dysfunctional. They are sometimes odd around my kids and there is always a terrible tension when they are around and I'm sure the kids pick up on that. I keep relationships going for the kids but what is better no extended family or a very crap dysfunctional one? Oh just to add our family has its moments but essentially we're a happy unit.

OP posts:

MommyBird · 09/12/2013 19:47

Lurking on this thread as i'm wondering this also!

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 09/12/2013 19:48

Ime no extended family is better. I have cut off a whole load of my family and dh cut off a whole lot of his, our lives are easier and less stressful without them, and my kids will never get caught up in all the dramas and family politics that goes along with our families.

BohemianGirl · 09/12/2013 19:49

Society is made up of all sorts of people - including mad family members

LemonBreeland · 09/12/2013 19:53

I would say no exrendes family is better. You can have lovely friends in your lives instead.

If people are sfrange around your dc, how is it a benefit to them?

revolvenotevolve · 09/12/2013 19:55

Agree with Bohemian - although obviously it depends on several variables including how you handle the situation, how bad they are, whether they would be dangerous, the impact being around them has.
I have some extended family who are an excellent example of how not to live your life. I have learnt a lot from them actually and particularly how to handle difficult people and tense volatile scenarios. However I did this in the context of having a close sibling who shared my perspective and sympathised as well as parents who were aware of how awful the others were.

RedLondonBus · 09/12/2013 19:55

I would say an extended family who are a little odd ( you need to explain more why they are so crap) is better than none

When your kids are older they might like to know them

christinarossetti · 09/12/2013 20:03

Depends on what you mean by crap. Odd - fine and dandy. toxic - clearly not.

Misspixietrix · 09/12/2013 20:04

I've noticed how dysfunctional and downright nastysome of the extended Pixie Family could be recently during a very tense and stressful time. (mother Pixie was critically ill). I still had to grit my teeth and bare it when it came to niceties when none of them deserved it but I don't want the DCs to be influenced by my opinions on certain family members. Or to not ever talk to them because mummy didn't for x amount of years. They can decide for themselves then.

YummyMummybee · 09/12/2013 21:31

No extended family. I have posted on this re my MIL & got some great advice, focus on raising your own happy family & teach them values that they will pass on to their own children down the line. Break the vicious, distructive cycle, you have the power to.

bordellosboheme · 09/12/2013 21:35

Well I lived most of my childhood away from my extended family and felt very isolated. Though my nuclear family was dysfunctional and my extended family were functional, so read into that what you will!

Lamu · 09/12/2013 21:38

No extended family is always better that a dysfunctional or toxic one. I was discussing this with Dp just yesterday, he's very lucky in that his family is fairly 'normal' whilst I have a nutty mother who I've just gone NC with. The upshot is that PIL more than make up for the dysfunctional-ness of my family and I don't think Dd will ever miss out iyswim.

theeternalstudent · 09/12/2013 22:22

Depends. My mum hates half her family and would say that they are useless. I get on really well with them and enjoy having them in my life. However, I am completely aware of their "quirkiness" and have made my peace with it.

Maybe your kids would grow up to feel the same?
Supose it depends if they are toxic and how dysfunctional they are.

Rosesarebeautiful · 09/12/2013 22:30

My family are the dysfunctional ones. DHs have their moments, but they are so much more normal than mine

But, I think no contact is extreme and could backfire on you- especially if you have teenagers going through a rebellious phase.

My kids are well aware of how unreliable my mother is. I haven't even needed to tell them- she's let them down too. I view it as life lessons. My mother can be very endearing, but totally self - centred. My MIL is less fun, but she does do what she says she will and she would always be there for us.

LunaticFringe · 09/12/2013 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rosesarebeautiful · 09/12/2013 22:37

Although - we do live away from both sides of family. So it's easy enough to limit contact as mine rarely travel to visit us

EssentialCoffee · 09/12/2013 22:40

I would say no to a crap extended family personally and actually did decide to have no contact with several family members when I was aged 10 and 12. DM was happy when I said I didn't want to see certain family members as she had only kept the relationships going for me and she had really struggled to do so and stay sane!

I think it really depends on each individual, but if say if there are tense atmospheres when your DC's are around then it's probably best to limit access at least.

hyenafunk · 09/12/2013 22:46

My extended family take toxic to another level. I mean, we got some whole Jeremy Kyle shit going on in our families . I just cba with family, never have been. There's a lot of hassle and drama and bitching and performing. It all feels so contrived. It's just not what we're about.

I used to have to go to the family events as a kid despite practically kicking and screaming to try and get out of it. Everyone gathered in their little groups anyway and wouldn't even look at the others. It was like a bitchy playground ffs. Nothing about my extended family is what family is supposed to be.

We raise our children to have morals, our families don't have any. We're a lot happier and calmer since stopping bothering with most of them.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 09/12/2013 22:58

Tricky one....hard to say, its so black and white.

However if you have a good circle of friends who are more in line with your own values and ideas, then maybe they are better as extended family..

golemmings · 09/12/2013 23:46

My dad's mum was toxic so he cut her out of his life when I was tiny so I didn't have to deal with her. I don't feel I've missed out. Mind you I have just made contact with a second cousin which feels pretty neat. I'm assuming 2 generations on that she's less manipulative than my grandmother/her ggm.

needaholidaynow · 09/12/2013 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShylaMcClaus · 09/12/2013 23:57

My teen has known for years that my mother's siblings and my sister are toxic, dysfunctional and damaging individuals. She has wanted to call Child-line wrt her cousins and she'd have been right to.

Trouble is - they all know where we live and I have DC to protect first and foremost. N/C is much better and Social Services and the school are not stupid.

Your family, the one you chose, is the one to focus on. OP.

enderwoman · 10/12/2013 00:07

Ex and I come from dysfunctional/toxic families and believe the opposite so we decided to deal with each side of the family in opposite ways.

I am NC with my side. My kids ask sometimes but are aware that I am NC.

Ex sees his side. The kids now realise that his mum is a cold and passive aggressive person. Personally I think this kind of relationship is pointless (they see her twice a year max and the only contact in between are birthday/Xmas cards signed "Love Gran") and damaging.

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