DP, jobs, finances, and the future. Sigh.

[ThurlHoHoHow]

Going in circles with this debate, and I'm getting so frustrated. Think I need to vent and see what other people would do.

We both work f/t, earn roughly the same amount, and at the moment we both commute into London. We have a 2yo; childcare is fine at the moment but I'm thinking long-term and about school etc.

I work in a sector which is struggling in the recession. However when things are good (as in when I chose the profession!) it is the best paid out of all the jobs I'm qualified to do, and has the potential for good bonuses. But it's not good at the moment and it might not be for another 5-10 years. It's a niche job so there's no chance of doing my exact job locally, to do that I need to change and make a side-step, which will involve a pay cut and probably changing my career path a lot. This has come to a head because I have an interview next week for just that sort of local job.

DP and I are arguing because it turns out we have different ideas of how to plan and work towards our future. He would rather I stayed in my particular sector (I had an interview today for such a job which would include a pay rise) because I would earn more, which would give us a better quality of life and the chance to buy a bigger house in the future. I should point out that we're not talking about me being in a big money profession here, pretty normal salary. DP's job is very secure but is on pay grades and with no immediate chance of a promotion. I am very worried about childcare, getting DD into preschool and school and how that all works if we're both commuting into London every day, so I would rather take a pay cut and give up a slightly higher earning career path so that I can be local. That all feeds into having another child in a few years, managing work during a probably hideous pregnancy, maybe going p/t afterwards. Also I'm increasingly tired with 11 hour days and not seeing DD that much, though I know that a lot of that might be because I am royally pissed off with my job and firm at the moment.

So we're at loggerheads. Yes, at the end of the day it's my decision what job I take, but we're a family so I do need to take his thoughts into count as well and I really do get his worry that me taking this local job might turn out to be more restrictive in the l/t.

AIBU? Is he BU? Or is no one?

Will it actually be a pay cut without commuting costs? And does he have an answer to your childcare concerns?

On the face of it YANBU, I don't think it's easy for both people to have careers which involve significant travel or commuting, it is difficult if you are both out for 11/12 hours a day.

I think if your aim is to be part time and make your DH the main earner he has to be fully on board. Its a lot to ask of a person.

Its not unreasonable if him to want a better quality of life and it sounds like he works just as many hours.

Local job will have no commuting costs.
Will there be an immediate cut in childcare. Longer term when dc at school you will need less childcare. Favour all thus in and then see what the real financial impact is

With the cut in commuting costs we would have the same money every month, but we would have less officially, which worries DP re mortgages. There wouldn't be a cut in childcare costs because while I'd be more local, they'd still be some traveling to work (probably what other people would still call a commute!).

I'm so worried about l/t and schools. DP doesn't have an answer, thinks I am worrying too much in advance which I probably am. But we manage now because we have a lovely CM who will look after children past 6. However she is the wrong side of town for all our catchment schools and pre-schools so something will have to change at some point, and everyone I know is already on waiting lists for pre-schools. So I'd prefer a job where I could guarantee pick up by 6 - as it is now, that can't happen. DP thinks it will all work out, which it normally does. He does a lot of the childcare now, more than me.

I don't want to go p/t but when factoring in DC2 it would be nice to have a job where that is potentially an option. With my current job, and probably any London-based job, p/t and/or flexible working wouldn't be possible so DC2 becomes a massive decision.

Your DP is wrong to worry about it looking like you have more/less money for mortgage assessment. They are no longer assessed on solely your income, but on affordability. This means you have to declare your monthly income and outgoings even including things like food shopping, petrol etc, so if the net effect on your overall disposable income is nil, the change should have no effect on your future ability to secure a mortgage

Do you need to buy a bigger house?

In the long term, yes, a bigger house would be good. This is an Ok house for little ones but wouldn't be in 5 years, say.

What's confusing me is I think we're both right and both wrong at the same time.

If you need to get a bigger mortgage in 5 years time, you could do a job change back then. Your concerns about school and pre school are right. Unless you can afford a nanny you will find it difficult to get childcare beyond 6, ditto with playschemes etc. Really don't underestimate this. If you are taking home the same money, I would jump at the chance. Btw I speak from having 3 kids ranging from 5 to 19 and have done every combination. I have concluded that commuting into london is not feasible for me as dh works in london. I use breakfast club from 8 and afterschool club til 5.30 or 6 and fit in full time hours, with a half hour drive each way

Thanks green. 8 days out of 10 DP can do a pick up about 4, but those 2 days... I already have to leave work early to manage a reasonable pick-up. There's a bit more understanding for it where I live because it's such a commuter town, but not loads. One day I'll convince my parents to move to this town as well but I can't make plans based around that.

See I think if the chance arrives, even if it's not my dream job and may require a bit of rethinking for my long-term career, I'd be silly not to take it too. DP would never say 'no', but his concerns about our long-term finances are valid.